When you see me here, in all my undignity and clutter and shame,
Without a song in my bubble or grace in my line
Will you still love me?

When you see me here, removed from that pocket of reality,
Without the ease in my smile or silver in my voice
Will you sill love me?

When you see me here, with everyone else,
Without everyone else.

I'm staying here.

Flowers in the window

K. A passionate life.
H. A passionate soul.

Then again. It's all about the people. the person. the heart. the soul.

It's amazing how 2 hours can shape you as a person. How a simple decision changes a lot of things.
"yes"
"ok"
"I'd like that"
bang

And i'm constantly being blown away by that.
Having conversation with someone is always an amazing experience. The worlds unfolded, the maps charted, the beings created extend beyond anything mankind has ever achieved.

I will never unlock the depths of human experience. I will never understand the human heart, mind, soul or anything. I'm too small and it's too big. It probably isn't for me. But I do know that it is for me to love, to live and to be, and I am very contented with that. I am constantly discovering how broken, helpless and pained we all are, and yes despite all that, how beautiful each and every person is.... no matter who you are.

It's unbelievable how self-absorbed as a species we can be. How set on conquering and controlling we are. Perhaps the greatest powers are bred in quiet humility. That in reaching out and honestly loving, you achieve the greatest, reach the furtherest and overcome the biggest.

Man has reached the moon, I'd rather reach for honey milk tea.

And yes, despite all this, I'll stand by my claim that I am a practical person.
What could be more practical then influencing the forces that have a hold on the very core of your being?

The most amazing thing Canada has done is to make me Chinese.

"i've never associated you with anything other than who i've discovered you to be through getting to know you"
~ Seth

How then can you not believe in angels?

Man... it's easy to get lost out here

Whoops!

...

In retrospect on my previous post:

There are no auditions in relationships, but that doesn't garuntee a natural engagement.

Everyone has something to offer in any production, and sometimes, it's to be an audience.

And that's beautiful too, in an introspective, quiet, observing way.

I hate audtions.

It's alright to just be good at something and to simply enjoy the gifts. But when faced with the prospect of someone telling you that "you know, you aren't really that good". Then what?

Now that, I cannot face.

Only I forget that among hearts and people, there are no auditions.

Walk in.
Love.
Move.
Touch.
Listen.
Heal.
Engage.
Change.
Deliver.

It's like any art: in need of honesty, vulnerability and passion.

Third-Culture Kids

"So seriously, which country do you identify yourself with?"

"It depends... on who I'm talking to."

Yeah I see a little of that in me.

It's been a while

It's been 6 years, and I think that I am finally ready to have normal healthly honest friendships again. I'd like to say that I'm in control and that I totally know where I'm heading and what I'm doing, but I don't.

Sometimes, that's a good thing.

I've been deadly sick for the past 2 days. Sicker then I've never been since I had that 40 degree temp when I was 10. And yes the very first thought, or the constant thought, on my mind in my state of delirum was "I WANT MY MUMMY". It was just miserable to be stuck in that dhingy little hole in the darkness, being unable to move, with no concept of what was going on. I just really wanted to be back in singapore, in my well circulated room with an entire family to pamper you. I just really wanted some homecooked chicken soup, carrot and potatoe soup, Water Cress soup, soft fluffy rice, porriage, black sauce salmon, steam fish, Xiao Kai Lan, Herbal Chicken Soup...

Ah well, thank God for Shu and prayer.

But I swear in the days still left...
We will walk in fields of Gold

Painful as it is, sometimes the beauty lies in it being ephermeral.

"You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold"

Fields of Gold ~ Sting

An empty rage

I realise that there are many sensations I miss: The feeling of being comfortable in your own skin, Of having more space then just a little room, of shorts and tanktops...

"I had a dream I was your hero"
Of being needed, and sharing that.
Of just being at peace within a relationship of honesty and comfort.
It just isn't too nice not having that level of mutal trust that you used to have.

"Just open up I'm gonna come inside I wanna fill you up I wanna make you cry..."
I miss being powerful and vulnerable at the same time, all tightly wrapped up in a little ball of trust, peppered with affection, laughter, fun a pinch of disagreement, delievered with ease please.

"This monkey can't stand to see you black and blue"
Puppy or no.
Yeah I can't. Not anyone. All too beautiful.
I just really want to make it alright for people. Especially the sincere and true, which I believe entails everyone.
But really, for the conciously hurting and lonely.

"And I return as chained and bound to you"
I would do anything really. for affection.
How female.
But there's this little girl inside that just yearns for a lot, for when I was fifteen and had that little delusional relationship with a non-existant individual. But it would have been beautiful.
Today, at twenty, though I don't respond to her, she's still there, tugging at my hand, head, heart.

"Damn I wish I was your lover
I'll rock you till the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm

I am everything

Tonight I'll be your mother
I will do such things to ease your pain
Free your mind and you won't feel ashamed"

The biggest promises made, the greatest strength conjured, sometimes comes from the weakest, most vulnerable of hearts.



Lyrics:
Damn I wish I was your Lover
Sophie B hawkins