"Strange...
...I thought I knew you well"

It gets hard sometimes, reconciling expections and reality. Like G-love once noted on his blog the disappointment he faces with relationships, I cannot help but feel that I've let some relationships down. Or worse, they've let me down.

"Be mine."

I have expositions on the abstractions of commitment and effort and what-have-you-nots that pertain to successful healthy relationships, and I could muse endlessly on my desire and longing to establish such. The result, I smugly suggest, of my generous and most appropriate attempt in having a tender human heart. New concept to me.

But no, I serve only to kick myself in the head. Because in falsifying and creating pleasentville, I retract into Egypt. I have a fixed notion of what things ought to be. But I understand wrong.

I don't understand at all.

I shouldn't.

The heart does not speak in the language of the mind, it goes beyond that and seeks an actualization of truth that fulfils rather then articulates.

I will come to terms with my difference and my anomalish nature.
And Love; and be.

"It's almost like a disease."

Having a heart means being vulnerable, but yet not being insecure. There are times when I am so tempted to retreat back into the Egypt of my mind and restrict myself severely from life. I have yet to learn the art of balance Or maybe, I should just sleep, and stop kicking myself in the head.

"Write your soul down word for word."
You won't be mine ~ Matchbox 20

Give and take

That's what I'm learning to do now. Healthy balance Hannah, it's all in the balance. I've been very stressed lately. A lot of work to do. A lot of people to Love. A lot to be. I need more strength then this little human frame can comprehend.

G-love

Happy birthday Idol. You're growing more and more beautiful each day. It's been a joy being a part of your life. I only want things to grow. You dropped in during a very strange period of my life. I hope you sit around till I straighten out.

Grant me.
This much. Whatever your heart has for me. Whatever your will. Strength, Wisdom and Grace. More humanity, please. I'd like a heart.

"What more in the name of Love?"

In the name of love ~ U2

Burn baby, burn.

God no

The world is on fire, it's more then I can handle.
But I am surprisingly willing to be broken.

Freedom

That's what forgiveness brings. I need to learn to mount it.

Today I found another dimension to myself, it was somewhere inbetween my lungs. Near my stomache. And I was praying from there. I think I found my heart! I need to learn to unleash it.

I want to live. I need to learn to breathe.

Home
This is for my mother's benefit. But hey, we can share.

my room


My room from the other side


Our Comfy Corner


Kitchen


Other side of kitchen


Living Room (note the flat screen)


Living room from other side + Roomie DJ Who incidentally has a new niece.

"People are going to hell. Can we not sacrifice convention for them?"
~ A very wise Sarah.

I'm learning how to love again, to feel the warmth of spirits settle into an open heart.

This great leap being facilitated by empty sinks, giggly roomies, a rose on my door and an honest e-mail.

Love is not painless. If it doesn't hurt, it's not love.

Marginal decisions

Relational Politics 101

Lesson 1: Defy them.

The individual who engages in interpersonal relationships ought not to seek for power over the other in any form.

It's organic. Like a character on stage that brings the audience through profound emotions and experiences, it cannot be dictated.

Let her be.

My mother has got to be the most supportive person on earth.
Thank you mummy.

Rock me, DJ

"God is more then happy to meet you at wherever you are at."

"You've been on this mountain for too long. It's time to move on"

I think I'm getting somewhere with all this.
School is good, friends are good, rest has been really restful.

And God, of course, is amazing.

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures and
Twenty four tries

Twenty four found me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

There's twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

You see I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty four parts

But I want to be right today
Centered and true
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now

And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, to see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me

24 ~ Switchfoot

This speaks more then I ever could about my reasons, by desires and where I am right now.