Here's a post for MajorTom. One that he will *finally* understand:

Thank you buddy, for being a great friend.
I really appreciate your presence in my life.

Modernitiy's idol is security.
When we are secure, we no longer need God.
Lord, keep me insecure.

Rhetoric meets reality.

I had a hard day. It hurt.

But it fits in so beautifully with the dying thoughts that unfolded in my mind while I listened to Hannah bubble-bathing one wall away. If health isn't the absence of pain, but rather having the spiritual and emotional capacity to deal with pain, then our prayers should follow suit.

Should we not pray for the strength to deal with life? Instead of praying that life will be delivered to us easily?

We pray for things to happen to us, or for things to not happen to us. We pray for good weather, good grades, a good time and a happy home. We are passive prayer-mongers, following rule and rote. But where is God's heart?

What is God really interested in? I have found the Christian story to be one centered around internal change, the renewal of mind and redemption of soul. I would feign want to work against the will of God, so why do I pray otherwise? Why do I pray for ease when it is comfort that leads to no good? The easy life is alien to the Christian as the Christian is alien to the world. We will receive blessings no doubt, and comfort of course, but to seek such as an ends in themselves, with no eschatology in sight is to slight the purpose and perfect will of God.

The journey to the cross wasn't an easy one. And if we are called to be crucified alongside Christ, I am starting to think that our daily crucifixion shouldn't be centered around prayers for happy events and easy days, but rather, for the uncompromisable change in the self.

God isn't interested in what happens to you, in so much as he is interested in you happening.

SUCK IT

The slipping out of neatly labeled boxes always unnerves people, when will we learn to stop trying to understand reality as opposed to live it? And while I have to say that I am utterly disappointed to see most people around me struggling to scoop up unruly reality and reinforce these boxes, I strongly urge that we run rather to embrace the messy mass of truth that comes flooding out uncontrolably from sheer being.

The best you can do is to fake it... stupid girl.

So while not giving up on growth, I am considering refusing to be artifically polite. To dissolve the painted faces to give light to flesh. So I will make you awkward. I will not attempt to be who you think I am. I will not watch my words, I will not watch my social roles, but I will keep my eyes on Jesus.

Give me Jesus. You can have all in this world, give me Jesus.

I also am understanding that I am depressed.
But only for now.

SICK

I am so unhealthy.
Not just physically, but everythingly.

Health not being without pain, but rather, having the spiritual, emotional depth and community bonds to deal with pain.

I am starting to realise, that unacceptance is starting to bug me less.
And while this is an eager sign of growth, it still is dissettling.

So I am what I am, and there is only one other I am who can accept me fully.
No one else is obligated to do so.

Thank God.

Lovefool

Put simply, persons who are attracted to the pastoral ministry are often people who have a need 'to help people.' They like to be liked and need to be needed. Their personal needs become the basis for their ministry--and also their greatest problem.

~ Resident Aliens

Confirmed!
Walking with Elim to One More Sushi, I asked her about her thoughts on focusing on what one is good at VS, toning down positive traits to nurture weaker ones.

I think that I really am not naturally good at anything in particular. I might do reasonably well in a lot of things, but that still leaves me a master of none. And the little that I have gained fluency in is a result of deep focus and deliberate nuturing.

How dare I leave these strengths behind and gamble on my weaknesses?

Only in the context of Godly grace and only with the understanding of my finiteness can I accept the fact that my greatest strengths invariably translate into my greatest weaknesses and needs. And were I to stand alone humanly. I would fall.

Should I dare leave these strengths behind and gamble on my weaknesses?

My strengths are a result of specialization, of deep focus and deliberate nurturing. A very, progressive, positivistic, modern, individualistic, capitalist notion. Where is God in all this? Does he want me to be good in some areas and to keep persuing my strengths?

Will that lead to engorged weaknesses?

Perhaps then, I shouldn't look to being the best that I can be, but the most.
Instead of being amazing at an individual trait, I should seek to be a wellrounded holistic person, and let my not-so-amazing-individual-traits, live together in a community of the self.

Will that not deny the true nature of my being and identity?

Will it? Nurturing a weakness, doesn't mean being who you're not, but being more of who you are.

I am not many things, but I am also many things. And in the many that I am, I am weak in some. and in the few that I am strong in, I may specialize in one. Then that will start to consume me. My identity and my being. And then I will cease to exist, and be a mere reflection of that one thing.

So to kill my babies, to suffocate my strengths and to tend to the frail doesn't mean trying to grow fruit off the wrong tree, but rather to make all native fruit grow. Together.

Lord, give me the courage to lay my strengths down, to become like a child in capability, sufficiency and value. That in running against the wisdom of the world, I will find the foolishness God.

Cool Runnings

Do eggs float when boiled? A question that wagered running out in the dark of night in nothing but your underwear. Eggs DON'T float when boiled of course, but they do when the water's salty.

So since the conditions of the bet weren't specified clearly enough. All five of up stripped down to our undies and took off into the night.

Thankfully it was only 8 degrees out. It could've been worse.

I hope this didn't aggrevate your cold Andre.

I know everyone has their faults and shortcomings, but to have someone bear them with you is another story. I fear that my faults keep such possibilities at great lengths away.

And anyhow, I realise that affirmation is needed more then we realise.

Thank you to all you peeps who have contributed to my healing process from food poisoning.

1) Shu, for making me lots of food. Tea, Cookies and Porridge.
2) Tom, for Kenny vs Spenny, Tea @ starbucks
3) Jenn, for not letting me clean out the laundry room when the washing machine decided to eat all the stuff.
4) Mel, for driving me to school and back.

Now I will lie down and tremble.
Gag.

Inertia creeps

I've got a lot to do, but somehow, resort to dreaming.
Tomorrow, the week starts anew, and I have a lot to accomplish.

I come. slowly.