1330 hrs: Burma is amazing
1345 hrs: I love Bogge
1630 hrs: Ahhh, to work in a team!
1730 hrs: 'tweak tweak'
1930 hrs: I'm dying inside
2230hrs: This place is amazing

So many things to do, so many lessons to learn, so many people to love!

Choose wisely ok?

Geez louise! How I love you still!

Ugh! Everytime I throw something away, or buy something I feel evil. EVIL! Our earth is dying and here I am, happily sucking at capitalism's boob. It's murder I tell you!

This trip has been, quite simply, perfect. There are many things left to be desired, of course - like healing a couple of broken relationships, and extending this vacation to say... forever. But nonetheless, there is perfection here, in its simplicity, humility and gentleness. I am so easy to please.


I think that this has been an important trip for me. This restfulness has been purposeful and almost solemn in the silent, contemplative way I've held the view from the bus and car windows. Many windows, many journeys, all within this ridiculously tiny city. The colours are bright in the sunshine and the neon lights scream out from the dead of night. But the nights are never actually dead. Here is a country, a region, that cannot sleep for its excitable youth, with all its angst in identity formation, self-determination and otherization. Still beautiful in its youth with an unbelievable array of perennially blooming flowers and endless coats of fresh paint, she's ridiculous.

Then there's Christmas - and this is why I miss Singapore, every decorative ornament during the capitalist season is classy. No chunky plastic Santa towering on a drunken slant by a decrepit sidewalk of chalky grey. The trees are proudly wreathed with lights trinkets and glamour - in vogue, and not merely humbly laced with a flaccid trail of lights, leaving more nakedness then cheer shining through. Even the fountain of wealth at Suntec has been girdled with fairy lights like a luminous caterpillar, giving it the air of an aristocratic child dressed in starched lace (macam tat glam, actually).

And I have been quite silent, letting defenses fall to receive lots of chicken soup, curry, prawn mee, portraits and love. But beneath the surfacial bubbles of contended consumption I'm preparing for the return to Vancouver. I sometimes feel like a baby swapped at birth, returned to my real parents at the politically ripe age of 21. While being here, I've developed a sense of purpose - I'm here, not just to be here, but to prepare to go back. I am very much here now, that I may be very much there when I'm back. I'm at that stage in life when I can no longer live parallel lives 16 hours apart. I will need to devote my current state of being into building something strong, present and sufficient.

Sufficiency beyond me. I prayed for God's heart and found myself in a constant state of tears this year. I am now praying for... his hands? Well whatever it is, the means to carry out whatever task I've been called to do, that He might bless the work of my hands, allowing me to find favour, and success. I'm really not sure what that might mean. But it sure as hell has taken a lot of weight off my shoulders.

So I'm simply going to sit back, relax, eat more food, put on some flesh, laugh and bask in the endless wealth and comfort that Singapore has to offer. Only 11 more days before I return to battling the cold, and my anger.

I pray for grace, and while I do so, I pray for strength and direction to understand justice.

2 things that surfaced in the shower - for me.

Be more honest with yourself
Be very very sure that you have come to terms with the consequences of a decision before launching into it.

I'm starting to notice, that amongst the other things I miss about Singapore, I am looking forward to being in her sophistication.

I miss being in a society that works, is clean and is relatively honest with itself.

Since when have I forgotten that cleanliness, safety and sophistication are NOT virtues?
I think I am embarking on a remolding of my outlook in life.

I climbed the tree with my Hannahlee
My intentions they were pure
Oh the breeze did whip and I lost my grip
I tumbled towards the earth
Where You never would guess who it was that stood below
And his name I would never tell
But His eyes were clear
And His arms were strong
And caught me as I fell

Hannah ~ Ray LaMontagne

Luke 12:22-34

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

"Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

It's all the nuances in life that serve to remind me, not just of God's grace, but of his presence. The extent of his care then, must be met with my extent of obedience. We'll get there.

This seems to resonate with what, put simply, I believe in: Hell is when you MUST do what you want to do. It's the tyranny of choice.

What we need is less of "you can be ANYTHING you want to be" (which is an outrageous lie), and more of "this is who you are". And yes, I know what I'm saying.

We are free from many things that used to chain us. But we no longer have any goal to weave our freedom toward. We have nothing to be free for, so what is the point of freedom?
Of course, there is always the self.

And what's going to happen when our relationships become subsumed by this?

I think we just need to remember that we are finite, and should understand that we need a frame work to work in and to work with. And we have to understand that we are not alone here.



"Her beauty is only skin-deep, surfacial. I mean, this is all there is really. Nothing else to her. And to make things worse, She's delusional, and arrogant"
~ Conversation on the bus.

My life, is perfect.

But it's 1 am, and all I want is to connect with someone. To belong. To be known.

And if I cannot be that, I might need to recollect, reflect and reassert.
Home is near.