Canada
Relationships
Girls
Myself
Failures
Social perceptions
Growing old
Loneliness
Humiliation
Mistakes
Losing things
Anger
Being Wrong
Being Corrected
Cockroaches
Fatigue
Heights
Suffocating
Scary Movies
Rejection
Darkness
2.4 km runs
People
Auditions
Tests of capability
Just a couple of things I'm scared off.
Sunday, June 22, 2003
Doesn't mean much, doesn't mean anything at all
The life I've left behind me is a cold room.
Not yet anyway...
Is devastating, to reach a point where I want to leave so as to push all these failed relationships out of the picture.
Only that they aren't really failed, I just perceive them to be.
It's my perceptive I need to push out...
I'll be carrying my demons around for sometime.
I've crossed the last line, from where I can't return,
Where every step I took in faith betrayed me.
And led me from my home
Anyway from all that I know.
Had God given us everything we wanted and asked for, had he removed all our trials the moment we prayed for delieverance, we would not understand the extent of his faithfulness.
We probably wouldn't know Him at all.
A sense of betrayal... personal expectations.
Of course there is no betrayal in such faith, fool...
If you can't see His hand, trust His heart.
Take me to lose all expectations and to have faith, simply.
Lest I cross the last line once again.
You take me in no questions asked
You stripped away the ugliness that surrounds me
Replicated over and over again in my earthly relationships. Only that I do not trust these reflections as much as I should.
Have more faith in humanity Hannah...
The price of self-dependency - fear, trepidation, and ultimately, hollowness.
Who are you?
Are you an angel? Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I don't disappoint you
When I'm down here on my knees
Extreme.
That I would have such high regard for anyone I respect.
That I would end up disappointing the expectations I have projected that they have upon me.
Everyone is an extension of myself - my desires, my sense, my will.
Hideous.
And I don't understand how by the touch of your hand,
I would be the one to fall.
Always, and it's my fault.
They don't darn know it.
The effect I have upon myself.
They're all... facilitators sadly, not real entities.
In effect, I touch myself.
I miss the little things, I miss everything
about you.
Always.
You live in the past Hannah, you have to learn to let go.
Sweet Sweet Surrender...
Is all that I have to...
Not just yet.
maybe
The life I've left behind me is a cold room.
Not yet anyway...
Is devastating, to reach a point where I want to leave so as to push all these failed relationships out of the picture.
Only that they aren't really failed, I just perceive them to be.
It's my perceptive I need to push out...
I'll be carrying my demons around for sometime.
I've crossed the last line, from where I can't return,
Where every step I took in faith betrayed me.
And led me from my home
Anyway from all that I know.
Had God given us everything we wanted and asked for, had he removed all our trials the moment we prayed for delieverance, we would not understand the extent of his faithfulness.
We probably wouldn't know Him at all.
A sense of betrayal... personal expectations.
Of course there is no betrayal in such faith, fool...
If you can't see His hand, trust His heart.
Take me to lose all expectations and to have faith, simply.
Lest I cross the last line once again.
You take me in no questions asked
You stripped away the ugliness that surrounds me
Replicated over and over again in my earthly relationships. Only that I do not trust these reflections as much as I should.
Have more faith in humanity Hannah...
The price of self-dependency - fear, trepidation, and ultimately, hollowness.
Who are you?
Are you an angel? Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I don't disappoint you
When I'm down here on my knees
Extreme.
That I would have such high regard for anyone I respect.
That I would end up disappointing the expectations I have projected that they have upon me.
Everyone is an extension of myself - my desires, my sense, my will.
Hideous.
And I don't understand how by the touch of your hand,
I would be the one to fall.
Always, and it's my fault.
They don't darn know it.
The effect I have upon myself.
They're all... facilitators sadly, not real entities.
In effect, I touch myself.
I miss the little things, I miss everything
about you.
Always.
You live in the past Hannah, you have to learn to let go.
Sweet Sweet Surrender...
Is all that I have to...
Not just yet.
maybe
And I fear, I have nothing to give
And I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better then to fall
And I fear, I have nothing to give.
Somehow, this is more real to me then ever before.
I've come to the root of my vice - Fear
Of not being good enough,
Of being scorned
Of being turned away
Of being rediculed
Of being unloved
Of myself.
Of being weak.
I fear what I am.
I guess it's a start. I'm learning. Thank you God for so many things.
The bible says in revelations "Blessed is he who overcomes" and if we are going to be overcomers, we'd better have something to overcome.
Amen?
Amen.
And I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better then to fall
And I fear, I have nothing to give.
Somehow, this is more real to me then ever before.
I've come to the root of my vice - Fear
Of not being good enough,
Of being scorned
Of being turned away
Of being rediculed
Of being unloved
Of myself.
Of being weak.
I fear what I am.
I guess it's a start. I'm learning. Thank you God for so many things.
The bible says in revelations "Blessed is he who overcomes" and if we are going to be overcomers, we'd better have something to overcome.
Amen?
Amen.
Friday, June 20, 2003
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
I'm off to the philippines world.
want anything?
I can't write anymore.
My imagination has left me.
I'm stuck on buses now with boredom or books.
Left in the stink of my inertia.
I'm off to the philippines God.
want anything?
Oh that I could give you back the world.
That I could make that darn "tick-tock" song come true.
That I could just give and not lose.
Then i would take away the colour in the world, make void the human spirit, take away beauty with the pain, remove the meaning of existance, make redundent everything God has done.
In a way perhaps, such is needed for the finite to have a glimpse of what we are otherwise too pathetic to comprehend. It's all about the human experience. God reaches us in a divinely human way. From pain rises glory, from blackness appreciation of white. It's all within the human experience. thank god he knows that.
Don't fret.
Remembering
Scarlet Petaled flower
Even if you were to fade away
Tomorrow would still come
Though never the same as yesterday.
I faded away and things changed.
I dream in fear and you in pain.
it's because of what you went through that you are what you are today.
I can't blot it out. erase it. ignore it.
I have to learn to accept and move on.
To allow that to become a part of me. Naturally.
Maybe it's time to make peace.
want anything?
I can't write anymore.
My imagination has left me.
I'm stuck on buses now with boredom or books.
Left in the stink of my inertia.
I'm off to the philippines God.
want anything?
Oh that I could give you back the world.
That I could make that darn "tick-tock" song come true.
That I could just give and not lose.
Then i would take away the colour in the world, make void the human spirit, take away beauty with the pain, remove the meaning of existance, make redundent everything God has done.
In a way perhaps, such is needed for the finite to have a glimpse of what we are otherwise too pathetic to comprehend. It's all about the human experience. God reaches us in a divinely human way. From pain rises glory, from blackness appreciation of white. It's all within the human experience. thank god he knows that.
Don't fret.
Remembering
Scarlet Petaled flower
Even if you were to fade away
Tomorrow would still come
Though never the same as yesterday.
I faded away and things changed.
I dream in fear and you in pain.
it's because of what you went through that you are what you are today.
I can't blot it out. erase it. ignore it.
I have to learn to accept and move on.
To allow that to become a part of me. Naturally.
Maybe it's time to make peace.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
I wonder what it's like to know honestly that you're good.
To stand up
With ultimate control, composure...
power
Over the mood
the atmosphere
the people,
and most importantly,
yourself
To know exactly what to wield and the outcome.
To play with the dynamics of the situation like an artist with his canvas.
To pour my being into what I give.
To be beautiful.
Confidence.
I hope it's just PMS.
I cannot trust what I have anymore.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
I'm perming my hair tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
At some place called "Seah something"
Didn't even get the name right.
Dinner was great.
Something I really looked forward too, and really savoured.
From
The CG to
the Youth to
the worship thing to
Past relationships to
Canada to
the Press to
Friendship to
Service to
me to
You...
...made me see so much more. Challenged what I held firm. Gave me a new perspective, one that has been carefully groomed from 7 years more. Engaged me, made me feel comfortable and engaging, worth something. Refreshed me mentally away from what I have been resting in for the past 3 years.
The funny thing about being uninvolved is that you see a lot. But it doesn't help you grow
*stumped*
Yes you're right.
Last night was a snapshot of what I should let myself have - many times over, in many different ways.
Last night, a little hole in me was filled.
Though I think you did more for me then I did for you.
Perhaps you would have no idea.
Thrid place, Sixth Storey
How would a christian theatre group be different from others?
Well Q, I think I'm going to find out soon. And I think I like it.
Engage me,
Challenge me,
Allow me to give.
Please.
Wish me luck.
At some place called "Seah something"
Didn't even get the name right.
Dinner was great.
Something I really looked forward too, and really savoured.
From
The CG to
the Youth to
the worship thing to
Past relationships to
Canada to
the Press to
Friendship to
Service to
me to
You...
...made me see so much more. Challenged what I held firm. Gave me a new perspective, one that has been carefully groomed from 7 years more. Engaged me, made me feel comfortable and engaging, worth something. Refreshed me mentally away from what I have been resting in for the past 3 years.
The funny thing about being uninvolved is that you see a lot. But it doesn't help you grow
*stumped*
Yes you're right.
Last night was a snapshot of what I should let myself have - many times over, in many different ways.
Last night, a little hole in me was filled.
Though I think you did more for me then I did for you.
Perhaps you would have no idea.
Thrid place, Sixth Storey
How would a christian theatre group be different from others?
Well Q, I think I'm going to find out soon. And I think I like it.
Engage me,
Challenge me,
Allow me to give.
Please.
