我从来没遇到好人。。。我从来没遇到坏人。
This eve, I had dinner with M and G and the rest. An obligatory gesture bred of ancient habit that has hatched into a chicken called necessity. Who am I to question a thousand years of incubation? G was in one of his moods again. The mood that would cast a shadow thicker then a blanket over the steaming plates of food, and us. We sat in silence as he riled against everything, with hurtful precision. At one point, I calculated the net worth of our relationship and wondered how much I was willing to pay to slam my utensils down in insolent, ungrateful retort. I decided to keep shoveling food into my face: I may have a penchant for drama, but I'm not stupid. Besides, he is what he is, to me and to himself and no amount of reasoning, confrontational or no ,would dispel the abusive or bitterness that has grown up alongside his wealth.
And that's when I realized he reminded me of JF and the proximity of such character traits scared the crap out of me.
"He seems to be emotionally abusive" I mention tepidly to C, not wanting to offend.
"Oh, but he is." She says with an affirmative lighthearted chuckle.
I fell silent. It's easy I guess, since G's bi-weekly presence can be quarantined and dealt with there, even with distant affection. "He's just like that, you know?". But what if you were to live with this, under this, for the bulk of your life? How is this living? I marvel at the strength it took to just be, scared hurt but still fighting for what you need, knowing that what should be yours by nature has been coldly taken from you and given to another, while you watch.
I expressed a part of my bitterness. Why was G so friendly to outsiders and not to me? He's mine! Yes, C agreed with me, but that's the way things are with him. And I thought about how this pattern isn't new, how one uses the ones closest to give face to others. Why care of the close when they are close already?
But he is very astute when it comes to one's character, C continued. oh? Yes, even though he treats you badly, he can see and know that you're a good person. Oh.... -silence- So? I asked. I don't need him to tell me that I'm a good person, I know that. The question is why does he treat me that way if he cares for me, likes me and thinks me good? C sighs, yes, she says. I know. Humpf, so much for his subjective experience of affection - of what good does it do when I end dinner rolling my eyes. Thanks for the affection, G.
A part of me heaved a sigh of relief. Thank god I got away the way I did, with full knowledge and a clear understanding of the situation. It solidified further the appropriateness and wisdom of my decisions, especially that one in March. But it also made me sad, because G has been this way for decades, with no hope of redemption or peace. Unreasonable demands, expectations, selfishness and myopia got the better of his ability to be happy and I fear the poison has dulled the sense that senses love. Or at least, makes one fear love, killing it slowly.
Anyway, my sadness spill over to JF. Judging from G, maybe he just won't ever be happy, will only see darkness and think himself doomed to hell (neither of them actually believe that. I checked). But in all, it was nice to see that there is life after all that, and maybe one day there will be space for me to say what I want to say. I found, even in my anger, that I never wanted to offend G. I just wanted to tell him that he was being fucking ridiculous, and that really, this was his fault. Now can we get on with our relationship and actaully get to know each other?
Nah. Life is life I guess. He is what he is and I will always be standing on the outside with a hug and a conversation ready, wondering why he wont come out.
This eve, I had dinner with M and G and the rest. An obligatory gesture bred of ancient habit that has hatched into a chicken called necessity. Who am I to question a thousand years of incubation? G was in one of his moods again. The mood that would cast a shadow thicker then a blanket over the steaming plates of food, and us. We sat in silence as he riled against everything, with hurtful precision. At one point, I calculated the net worth of our relationship and wondered how much I was willing to pay to slam my utensils down in insolent, ungrateful retort. I decided to keep shoveling food into my face: I may have a penchant for drama, but I'm not stupid. Besides, he is what he is, to me and to himself and no amount of reasoning, confrontational or no ,would dispel the abusive or bitterness that has grown up alongside his wealth.
And that's when I realized he reminded me of JF and the proximity of such character traits scared the crap out of me.
"He seems to be emotionally abusive" I mention tepidly to C, not wanting to offend.
"Oh, but he is." She says with an affirmative lighthearted chuckle.
I fell silent. It's easy I guess, since G's bi-weekly presence can be quarantined and dealt with there, even with distant affection. "He's just like that, you know?". But what if you were to live with this, under this, for the bulk of your life? How is this living? I marvel at the strength it took to just be, scared hurt but still fighting for what you need, knowing that what should be yours by nature has been coldly taken from you and given to another, while you watch.
I expressed a part of my bitterness. Why was G so friendly to outsiders and not to me? He's mine! Yes, C agreed with me, but that's the way things are with him. And I thought about how this pattern isn't new, how one uses the ones closest to give face to others. Why care of the close when they are close already?
But he is very astute when it comes to one's character, C continued. oh? Yes, even though he treats you badly, he can see and know that you're a good person. Oh.... -silence- So? I asked. I don't need him to tell me that I'm a good person, I know that. The question is why does he treat me that way if he cares for me, likes me and thinks me good? C sighs, yes, she says. I know. Humpf, so much for his subjective experience of affection - of what good does it do when I end dinner rolling my eyes. Thanks for the affection, G.
A part of me heaved a sigh of relief. Thank god I got away the way I did, with full knowledge and a clear understanding of the situation. It solidified further the appropriateness and wisdom of my decisions, especially that one in March. But it also made me sad, because G has been this way for decades, with no hope of redemption or peace. Unreasonable demands, expectations, selfishness and myopia got the better of his ability to be happy and I fear the poison has dulled the sense that senses love. Or at least, makes one fear love, killing it slowly.
Anyway, my sadness spill over to JF. Judging from G, maybe he just won't ever be happy, will only see darkness and think himself doomed to hell (neither of them actually believe that. I checked). But in all, it was nice to see that there is life after all that, and maybe one day there will be space for me to say what I want to say. I found, even in my anger, that I never wanted to offend G. I just wanted to tell him that he was being fucking ridiculous, and that really, this was his fault. Now can we get on with our relationship and actaully get to know each other?
Nah. Life is life I guess. He is what he is and I will always be standing on the outside with a hug and a conversation ready, wondering why he wont come out.
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