Today was the day of weird.

1. E-confusion muddles the morning with tear-threatening anger, a frequent visitor lingering far beyond visiting hours. It is anger in a certain dress, or more like it, straight jacket. It comes with entrapment, pressure, and not sign of an outlet. I do however, as it was so shared, enjoy this flurry of emotion and it's difficult ways. It makes me think, examine my expectations, reason with my reactions and contemplate my past behaviour in similar situations. I want to be fair, consistent, respectful yet not self-abasing. What was it that Dogville taught me? Such grace can equate to arrogance. And yet, in some situations, such arrogance can be apt, in persona, if not in rem. After all, I know what I'm capable of and have seen not so much what he can do, but what he can't. It is simply enough for me to know that I cannot expect the same as I or others give. So unlike Grace, I have no trigger to pull. I believe this is tied in somehow, to the decision I made on Sunday: That I will no longer be angry. Of course, now that I have the framework, the next step is to draw up the action plan.
2. I ran into PW on the train at Braddel, having not seen her for 9 years. She demanded a hug, and was not afriad to tell me after that that hug was unacceptable in her PW way. She missed my hugs she told me and that which I offered failed her expectations. I smiled wondering how the morning's muddlement had seeped through into my energy and love for others. But it was the first step toward smiling.
   
3. I met GMH for lunch, having not seen her for 7 years. I ran into her again sometime late last week outside the Shangri-La. Turns out we're both involved in the APEC SOM meetings. Let's do lunch. Yes, lets. Doing was a wonderful trip to the past and so was bringing the past into the present in concrete forms. It is interesting running into old friends and seeing where they are, and what they've done. Looking into facets of familiar faces that I was then too young to notice, or they were too green then to full reveal. Time nurtures, grows and redeems.
   
4. I ran into FC at ION, having not seen her (in person) for 7 years. Media doesn't count. She scrambled past me looking for an elusive washroom. They're upstairs, I told her, before she launched me into a conversation that I thought we'd never have. Are you back? Not really (How did you know I was gone?). How did she even remember me, if I'd barely remember her if not for her face glowing on every magazine? It was a blessing, to be tucked away in a tiny corner of the mall for the larger part of our conversation, we stepped into the greater light of the public and I sensed all eyes on her.
   
5. Text messages that create a blanket of safety while we discuss eye candy and tiramisu. He is kor kor. And one with whom I feel safe with.
   
6. A phone call. With jokes about demons and invitations to be engaged over the coming weekend. A zone of comfort.
   
7. A phone call. With much fluff to think of. Blessed distractions that keep my mind toward the present and the future and that keep my heart full without space for darkness.
8. I meet with SL and DS for noodles and I walk barefooted from Pervis to Princep to finish the evening in a room full of blues. We talk business and have conjured up a business plan that involves, bibles, bikinis and the internet. We wander into a shop selling wonder, but that failed to conjure up my eager enthusiasm. God, that's like failing to feed a hungry puppy.
   
9. I realize my title sounds Dennis-esque.
   

I made a decision on Sunday to cease this anger. But after today's odd mix of past-present-future, I realise that this decision will make me. Today, I didn't have to decide, I just danced.