2005-02-09_0011

So it's valentines and Love is in the air. I skipped church today and walked with Elim along Jerico (I know there's an 'H' somewhere) beach for 2 hours in the late afternoon. Life cannot get any better.Then Paul comes over for Marvel Vs. Capcom and Cranium. Poker-face doing river dance. Now that is what I call in house entertainment.

Stepping back from the moment, I can see how I've totally screwed things up with my meddling hands. I'm learning the basics, once again, of letting go and letting God take it all. Something that I've always found so intrinsic to the Christian faith, and yet humanly impossible to do.

Now, don't get lost in your head.

Dear Lord, give me more love. Overflowing. Out.

I'll be in Seattle folks. Have fun...

Urrrmmmpppp!

Ok. Life really does get harder then anticipated, even if you're walking on air. I struggle with being aware of how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling this way, how I react, and how I want to react. And at the end of the friggin day (read 5 in the a.m.), I find that I am hopelessly not enough to lead a fulfilled life in all that I am. I naturally gravitate into the blackholes of sulkiness and blahness and dearie-me-I-am-all-depressed-and-tragic. Even Glen notes that I cannot descibe my emotional state of being, which is usually less then 7/10, apart from my relationship with Seth. Whatever that is.

And then the story goes round my head and the text is impossible to read. It's like being in the Never-Ending Story and trying to read it, simultaniously, with a cuppa coffee in the Starbucks at Tampines Mall. Then the rethoric goes something like "ahhh... but the story isn't meant to be read charted... it's meant to be lived."

Horkay, very good. So then now what does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean? And over bus-rides and Nav meetings I try to figure out how to pen the process of not penning the story. And as I watch one rodent in my life, another one slips past and hits the cheese. Oops. How did I get here again? Thank God for constantly pulling me out of the black holes. Ok, now back to rat-watching... ttyl, creator.

Flip out. I need to worship.

My last resort to being a perfectly regeneratingly flawed Human being.
Suits me just fine.
Thank you sir.

shhh. yourself.

Things can ONLY get better.

It's true that we can't live on good intentions. Dialogue and communication, expression and understanding and drastically understated. I hate how we're unable to see past the monolithic constructions we've happily projection on others. No fault on our part I think, that's just how we function, -very within-.

So things happen, tempers flare, opinions are wrong...
I do sound like a pretentious honors student. ok, enough of that.

It hurt very much and I cried.
But that's ok.
Really, what else was I expecting?

Fuck all that.
Just shut up Hannah, and keep running.

Moving

Life on steroids, it doesn't get any better then this. Mourning is over in exactly 7 days and for now, I'm just trippy.

I want your heart on a platter... with whipped cream
~Ireti

I missed Seth today. Quite badly, and I wonder why.
Ah well, life is beautiful. I'm crusing and resting.

I wonder what God has in store next.

Faith to faith, glory to glory.

Life isn't and shouldn't be easy, but it should be fulfilling. I don't think one can accomplish that by taking the path of least resisitance. Of course we need to evaluate our priorities and really ask ourselves if this is what we want. We need to make informed, or at the very least, conscious, decisions.

Carry the cross, count the loss, cut the crap.

I believe that human beings were built to be empowered. And in order to do that, we're going to have to realise that we're more then just a bunch of nerve endings. Physically and spiritually.

Who are you really? And where do you want to go?
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In other news...

Gong si fa cai.

I had the most amazing CNY dinner ever.

So three days ago, Shu and I were at Regent college studying when we catch a couple of Singaporean accents from the next table.

"Are you Singaporean?"
"Yeah, but I've been here for 11 years."
"You would't happen to know my Dad do you? Lim Cheng Siew?"
"I do!"

I've never asked that question before. It never crosses my mind. Especially not with a random middle aged guy who immigrates to Canada years after my family leaves.

What's the deal?

So I had CNY dinner at Uncle Hwee Yang's place with Shu and Dustin. We meet the most amazing people, and hear the most amazing stories.

With lives like these, how can we not believe in God?
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I praise God for the journey that he's brought me through. For every step along the way and every corner turned. I find my limits being pushed and expanded.

My relationship with Seth has totally revolutionized my faith. I realise that the only thing that's the same is that Jesus is God, Lord and my personal Saviour. Other then that, you wouldn't recognise me. And I like it this way.

I feel alive and true.

I have moments of weakness where I become less then I really am, but hey.. we'll get there.

The heart is in bloom.

I think I've eaten enough of this bullshit to warrent misery. Really, I am alive and I intend to express that. The world is beautiful and moving. Shouldn't I be too?

It's a beautiful day.
I know I'm not a hopeless case

I love regent lectures.
They speak truth and grace into my life.

I'm learning to live by being myself, to be independent from what society tells me, to be free.

In other news, the holes are being filled.
Slowly.
Very slowly.

I think all our problems, hurt, insecurties and pain come from the inability to recognise who we really are and where we stand and belong. The process of becoming isn't easy, and it probably isn't meant to be charted.

But for now I struggle to remember who I am and what I have to do.
I struggle mostly with letting go of what isn't mine anymore, of what isn't congruenent to my identity.

There's only so much I can take, so I should stop taking more.
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The hurt is washed away, but still here I am in the middle of it all with heavy hands. And I try so hard just to leave behind me, all the chains that bind me.

I won't back down, won't turn my head around,

Quick, take a recess, oops, take another breath,

Guess who, who's you, better take another crew,

Find out, all about, just don't doubt, just don't doubt

And I won't be lost in these watered down dreams that surround me.
I won't be caught up in the moment of the day.

Human beings were created with holes that were meant to be filled.
They can be filled with just about anything.

And you can be satisfied to the fullest.

But will you be free?