Even the best fall down sometimes...

I miss you now but I don't know how much I can take of you walking in and out every 6 years or so. I'm sorry. But thanks anyway.

*yes i realise that this is ridiculously emo*

The Boyfriend

I never go for church camp...
they always try to exorcise me

I sometimes wonder if it's not without reason.
And it's fair, since he DID suggest that I go for a lobotomy.

-------
Hannah: im bleeding like a bullet wound and i have an acheing womb

jarrett: ...

Hannah: sorry...i just need to be heard. it's a weakness of mine

jarrett: is this about you being panicked, is this a stress thing, is this about you being a bleeding heart, or is this some strange maternal instinct Christian thing? I need to listen, 's fine

Hannah: no i'm having menstrual cramps
omg can i blog this?

I.12
I draw aside the curtain. You mock us with the beauty of your world. My heart hates the trees, the wind moving the branches, the dead diamond machinery of the sky. I pace the corridor between my teeth and my bladder, angry, murderous, comforted by the smell of my sweat. I weakened myself in your name. In my own eyes I disgrace myself for trusting you, against all evidence, against the prevailing winds of horror, over the bully’s laughter, the torturer’s loyalty, the sweet questions of the sly. Find me here, you whom David found in hell. The skeletons are waiting for your famous mechanical salvation. Swim through the blood, father of mercy. Broadcast your light through the apple of pain, radiant one, sourceless, source of light. I wait for you, king of the dead, here in the garden where you placed me, besides the poisonous grass, miasmal homesteads, black Hebrew gibberish of pruned grapevines. I wait for you in springtime of beatings and gross unnecessary death. Direct me out of this, O magnet of the falling cherry petals. Make a truce between my disgust and the impeccable landscape of fields and milky towns. Crush my swollen smallness, infiltrate my shame. Broken in the unemployment of my soul, I have driven a wedge into the world, fallen on both sides of it. Count me back to your mercy with the measures of a bitter song, and do not separate me from my tears.

~ Leonard Cohen

Sometimes, it's all that's left. God forbid that I silence such depth, truth and raw humanity with words from the shallow end of the pool, splashing in undignified bigotry. Trading one disguise for another.

"I cannot see you in Church. Ever."
Me to Christian (ironically)

And it's true. These past 4 months have found me finding a little more of myself, more certainty and strength. This has lead to an outpouring of my heart and soul into the wonderful people around me. Let me share my walk and my faith and the nuggets of truth that I pursue! But I find, that at the end of the day, if any decide to take this journey with me, it would not start with The Sinner's Prayer. And not just for the fact that this would be an impossibility, it would also make my stomach turn.

But truth and love are too powerful to be shut out by any construct that man can make. Build a wall and it'll seep through your inevitable cracks. Build a church and it will overwhelm your highest steeple. So sit back, relac one corner, and be.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the king's men
Could not put Humpty together again.

Somebody pushed him.

You're so nice and you're so smart
You're such a good friend I hafta break your heart
Tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart
Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart

Kim Dawson ~ So Nice So Smart

As much as leaving spring-sprung Vancouver always hurts, I am STOKED about summer. Come hither, life!

What I've been telling people of late: Only in your weakness, do you allow people to love you. If you are not broken, there is no space for love in your life.

But I, in no way, walk the talk.
I don't know anything but self assuredness and security.

Or maybe, my weakness is my strength.

*yawn*

So the library was warm, with spring round the corner and all. I was by the window within arms length of the sun. Warm... I think I shall take off my thick, long sleeved shirt and sit here in my tank top. Just like in Singapore!

Ok let me just pull up the hem... up to my neck.... twist, turn... hmmm who's that man walking through the aisle right at me... undress... undress.... Oh, that's UBC's president.... undress undress.... awkward.....

President side steps into the adjacent isle to avoid head-on collision/eye-contact with girl in the process of removing her shirt. He reemerges a little to my right and keeps walking.

Story of my life.

OK! OKOK! WHAT SAY YOU WE ALL JUST DROP THIS SHIT AND KILL THE LAW AND JUST LOVE. LOVE!!! YOU HEAR ME???? LOVE!!

In other news, Hannah is really really fed up with property law.

To all the people in my life here, I love you.

Thanks for the wonderful - almost-perfect - life.