I find it ironic that today, I had to step out into the smoking balcony to bask in the Singapore sun a little, as I was getting rather chilly in the meeting rooms at the Copthorne Hotel. Yes, we do talk about climate change too. All this while Vancouver is undergoing heat waves and a severe shortage of air-conditioners.

Everybody's free to wear sunscreen

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, The kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40. Maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in "New York City" once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in "Northern California" once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

"Brother and sister together we'll make it through, Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there. I know that you're hurting but I've been waiting there for you and I'll be there just helping you out whenever I can..."

I'm back at a spot where my problems in life are good ones: I can't take this course because it clashes with another! I can't take this exam because I want to go to Israel! I can't go to that Investment Experts Group meeting because I am in the Market Access Group meeting! I can't meet M because I am meeting A!

Close your eyes, so you can't be tempted...

"I wanted to say that I enjoy hanging out with you because I feel safe. It's been a while since I felt that way." "You're welcome..." 8 years, and nothing much has changed.

This morning's affairs brought new harrowed winds as I flew from station to station in the sports hall. "Relax, dear..." one of the volunteers said and laughed when I told her about the source of my distress. Oh boy. My first instinct was to tell myself that I was being unnecessarily dramatic - an unfortunately learned reaction. "So what if you are?" he would later ask over dinner, "It's who you are, and your friends would love and accept you for it." But I knew it already then and let myself go: to be as externally frazzled as I needed to be internally calm. And then a wonderous revalation: When I'm stressed, I laugh. A lot. And I like it.

So I found myself at the ICA booth without the required forms and passport photograph. Where do I get one? Over there, he said, pointing toward the end of the hall. I scout around and was directed toward the central library, forum, to the ends of the earth. "No, there's one right here" he said, pointing to this odd looking machine. It looked like a mental detector, one you'd find in an airport, it had a screen and a camera lense. OF COURSE! I step in and fiddle with the machinery. Insert card here... eye level here... why isn't the screen staying straight... "It isn't on", he said, and proceeded to flick a switch. At that moment, the screen comes to life and read: 36.6 C. I was trying to take a photo in a giant thermometer. I was directed to the photographer 3 feet away to my left.

I leave triumphant, in giggles. Later he tells me about his daughter, and I feel safe again. Calm does carry me through.

Today, she talked about how forgiveness means letting go. It means recognizing that you can't speak to the situation or deal with it anymore. It means laying it down at the alter and walking away. It doesn't mean reconciliation.

Done.

sad.

It was great meeting TAC and 老师 again, after 7 years of distance and growth, it is nice to come back into your past and see that really, you've lived your life well.

I love coming home late, dragging my aching feet out of a taxi in the silent hours of the night. The click of my heels toward the gate chasing away the stay cats that sleep restlessly under my front porch. Past the hibiscus, sleeping of course, drooped and quiet as they fold their petals away from the darkness. Then the strong scent of lilies, stronger and older each evening, that greets me at the door as I enter my house.

I'm doing quite fine, thank you very much.

Weak as I am, no tears for you.

Quartered and confused, I find myself in different areas, with different desires and different thoughts. But I do have one goal: to be free. But for now I will roll around in the sadness, the anger, the regret, the contempt and the past, until the bowl tips me over and I move on again into a newer light. I hurt for different reasons on different days, and there's no telling what will happen next. But on the whole, I've been very pleased with the results and I wonder if this is what they mean by "glory to glory". Kor gave me 6 months to get it all out of my system, but at the rate that I'm going, it's probably going to be quicker then that. The fact that I was very much alone through it all is helpful.

Hannah! You're going to find assholes everywhere! PM said, pretty much exploding with frustration over tea and organizational structures, hands flying in wide gestures. Yeah, I think to myself, rolling my eyes toward the afternoon glare reflecting on the hotel windows. Except I wasn't thinking about potential colleagues in the private or public sector. And at that moment, my heart sank a little; I thought about what I used to believe in - honesty, respect, openness and grace and wondered if I no longer had the spirit to engage in the same way as I used to. Or if they had been proved ineffectual.

I guess wisdom is the key, and being strategic even with principles of grace and openness. I thank god I haven't hardened or become embittered. Slowly learning I guess with a couple of stumbles on the way, but I'm learnig to just close my eyes and let my little self bounce back up, perhaps over a KTV song or two, or 400. Mostly it's been simply perfect frowning in concentration as PM rants on. This feeling of being safe and of being appreciated, a distant memory resurfacing from the darkness.

Even when I'm feeling crappy, I can still thank God that I'm not back there.

Squirm :: DMB

Open up your head
Open up you primitive
Open up your mouth
Open up your head
Your sweet primitive
Open up your mouth
It's coming out
Open up your head
Scream, you sweet primitive
Tell me what you said

But how, your kiss
Your words, your lips
Not a gun to your head
You're gonna die before you're dead

Not sad, when you're gone
But when your light’s still on
Your dreams wont let you fly
Don't be dead before you die
Hunger, till fed, give love instead
When it gets inside, watch the dead man squirm

Above all things

If kindness is your king

Then heaven will be yours before you reach your end

Dear Seth, this isn't a post with emo lyrics. I'm dancing light. And grinning in that cute red dress.

Today was the day of weird.

1. E-confusion muddles the morning with tear-threatening anger, a frequent visitor lingering far beyond visiting hours. It is anger in a certain dress, or more like it, straight jacket. It comes with entrapment, pressure, and not sign of an outlet. I do however, as it was so shared, enjoy this flurry of emotion and it's difficult ways. It makes me think, examine my expectations, reason with my reactions and contemplate my past behaviour in similar situations. I want to be fair, consistent, respectful yet not self-abasing. What was it that Dogville taught me? Such grace can equate to arrogance. And yet, in some situations, such arrogance can be apt, in persona, if not in rem. After all, I know what I'm capable of and have seen not so much what he can do, but what he can't. It is simply enough for me to know that I cannot expect the same as I or others give. So unlike Grace, I have no trigger to pull. I believe this is tied in somehow, to the decision I made on Sunday: That I will no longer be angry. Of course, now that I have the framework, the next step is to draw up the action plan.
2. I ran into PW on the train at Braddel, having not seen her for 9 years. She demanded a hug, and was not afriad to tell me after that that hug was unacceptable in her PW way. She missed my hugs she told me and that which I offered failed her expectations. I smiled wondering how the morning's muddlement had seeped through into my energy and love for others. But it was the first step toward smiling.
   
3. I met GMH for lunch, having not seen her for 7 years. I ran into her again sometime late last week outside the Shangri-La. Turns out we're both involved in the APEC SOM meetings. Let's do lunch. Yes, lets. Doing was a wonderful trip to the past and so was bringing the past into the present in concrete forms. It is interesting running into old friends and seeing where they are, and what they've done. Looking into facets of familiar faces that I was then too young to notice, or they were too green then to full reveal. Time nurtures, grows and redeems.
   
4. I ran into FC at ION, having not seen her (in person) for 7 years. Media doesn't count. She scrambled past me looking for an elusive washroom. They're upstairs, I told her, before she launched me into a conversation that I thought we'd never have. Are you back? Not really (How did you know I was gone?). How did she even remember me, if I'd barely remember her if not for her face glowing on every magazine? It was a blessing, to be tucked away in a tiny corner of the mall for the larger part of our conversation, we stepped into the greater light of the public and I sensed all eyes on her.
   
5. Text messages that create a blanket of safety while we discuss eye candy and tiramisu. He is kor kor. And one with whom I feel safe with.
   
6. A phone call. With jokes about demons and invitations to be engaged over the coming weekend. A zone of comfort.
   
7. A phone call. With much fluff to think of. Blessed distractions that keep my mind toward the present and the future and that keep my heart full without space for darkness.
8. I meet with SL and DS for noodles and I walk barefooted from Pervis to Princep to finish the evening in a room full of blues. We talk business and have conjured up a business plan that involves, bibles, bikinis and the internet. We wander into a shop selling wonder, but that failed to conjure up my eager enthusiasm. God, that's like failing to feed a hungry puppy.
   
9. I realize my title sounds Dennis-esque.
   

I made a decision on Sunday to cease this anger. But after today's odd mix of past-present-future, I realise that this decision will make me. Today, I didn't have to decide, I just danced.