Saturday, May 05, 2007
I'm in the office over lunch and I really should be taking a nap, but well, as coffee would have it, my mind is spinning at speeds that would put formula one to shame. I jitter.
I've been doing a lot of thinking again, and I find myself gravitating toward the same issues: Identity politics, and Christianity. Now I know that these are topics that have been flogged over, and over and over again. But...
Singapore and I
And no matter how often I hear these responses, I can't help but react with a sense of incredulity. How did you come to the conclusion that this would actually matter to me? I mean of course it hurt having to surrender my passport, it hurt knowing that henceforth I was no longer 'local' but rather 'a foreigner'. It was a form of institutional violence wrecked on my identity to say the lease. But it still stands that
a) I gave up my citizenship as there was no option of keeping it. My Canadian birthright was a perimeter within which I exercised choice and options, not an option in itself.
b) I do not regret as my conception of what the Nation-state actually is does not give space for such an orientation of remorse.
I do not see citizenship (of anywhere) as an end in itself. It is not the cumulation of my identity and ought not to have bearing on my personal construction of selfhood. Unfortunately, the power of 'the state' has extended beyond fulfilling a person's individual needs into the realm of naming a person's individual identity. Now, we would die for a country's autonomy, our way-of-life, the right to be -insert whatever national identity here-. And, well... I don't quite buy into that. I mean it's all fine and good to be known as 'A Canadian' or 'Singaporean' or whatever, but at the end of the day, it is something that clashes with my value system (either that or it's a classic example of sour grapes).
It basically boils down to my personal faith as a Christian. I believe that the concept of being a 'citizen' has overridden many other constructions of identity (of course this is a point of contention and I'd really like to be challenged on this one). Economics, freedom and politics become bounded by national borders and it is within these borders, power is defined and eventually identity, is created. Hence as a Christian, I do not see my identity belonging to any country (I have no patience for people calling to make Canada a Christian nation) but rather to a greater community (the church so to speak) that transcends that tangible boundaries of borders, economics, culture and race.
That being said, it would follow then that my goal for self-actualization would have little to do with which country to belong to. My passport and my nationality is simply a matter of chance, a matter of convenience or otherwise. What I want to do and who I want to be would not be contingent on what my citizenship is, but rather my identity in Christ. God-willing, I'd go anywhere and be anything.
All in all, my journey wrestling with these questions has found me here at a point where it really doesn't matter. I am Canadian, but I love Singapore so much more. I have no permanent address in my passport country and am only allowed 30 days at a time in the land where my family and loved ones are.
The fact that I did not retain my Singapore passport over my Canadian doesn't mean that I love Singapore any less. It simply means that I'm ordering my life around different principles. Principles that, for the most part, remain indifferent to these questions of allegiance.
I've been doing a lot of thinking again, and I find myself gravitating toward the same issues: Identity politics, and Christianity. Now I know that these are topics that have been flogged over, and over and over again. But...
Singapore and I
It's been a journey. And while it's not over yet it doesn't hurt to pause and look back over the path you have come by. In taking the plunge away from my red passport and pink I.C., I have drifted (or swam, faltered whatever...) around the confusing pool of my identity politics. While sharing my (not-all-that-unusual) story with different people, I have noticed a similarity in responses: These usually dance along the range of:
'Why on earth then did you give up your citizenship?'
and
'So do you regret giving up your citizenship?'
'Why on earth then did you give up your citizenship?'
and
'So do you regret giving up your citizenship?'
And no matter how often I hear these responses, I can't help but react with a sense of incredulity. How did you come to the conclusion that this would actually matter to me? I mean of course it hurt having to surrender my passport, it hurt knowing that henceforth I was no longer 'local' but rather 'a foreigner'. It was a form of institutional violence wrecked on my identity to say the lease. But it still stands that
a) I gave up my citizenship as there was no option of keeping it. My Canadian birthright was a perimeter within which I exercised choice and options, not an option in itself.
b) I do not regret as my conception of what the Nation-state actually is does not give space for such an orientation of remorse.
I do not see citizenship (of anywhere) as an end in itself. It is not the cumulation of my identity and ought not to have bearing on my personal construction of selfhood. Unfortunately, the power of 'the state' has extended beyond fulfilling a person's individual needs into the realm of naming a person's individual identity. Now, we would die for a country's autonomy, our way-of-life, the right to be -insert whatever national identity here-. And, well... I don't quite buy into that. I mean it's all fine and good to be known as 'A Canadian' or 'Singaporean' or whatever, but at the end of the day, it is something that clashes with my value system (either that or it's a classic example of sour grapes).
It basically boils down to my personal faith as a Christian. I believe that the concept of being a 'citizen' has overridden many other constructions of identity (of course this is a point of contention and I'd really like to be challenged on this one). Economics, freedom and politics become bounded by national borders and it is within these borders, power is defined and eventually identity, is created. Hence as a Christian, I do not see my identity belonging to any country (I have no patience for people calling to make Canada a Christian nation) but rather to a greater community (the church so to speak) that transcends that tangible boundaries of borders, economics, culture and race.
That being said, it would follow then that my goal for self-actualization would have little to do with which country to belong to. My passport and my nationality is simply a matter of chance, a matter of convenience or otherwise. What I want to do and who I want to be would not be contingent on what my citizenship is, but rather my identity in Christ. God-willing, I'd go anywhere and be anything.
All in all, my journey wrestling with these questions has found me here at a point where it really doesn't matter. I am Canadian, but I love Singapore so much more. I have no permanent address in my passport country and am only allowed 30 days at a time in the land where my family and loved ones are.
The fact that I did not retain my Singapore passport over my Canadian doesn't mean that I love Singapore any less. It simply means that I'm ordering my life around different principles. Principles that, for the most part, remain indifferent to these questions of allegiance.
So anyway, I've thought about it a little and I think I want to study the Church in Cambodia.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I received expected news today with unexpected reactions within me.
I shrugged my shoulders and extended what I thought to be necessary.
But dark shadows crept around me still while I carried on my daily chores without skipping a beat. I do not want to believe that this means anything more then that.
But other things weighed more heavily on my mind: am I spending the summer wisely?
I shrugged my shoulders and extended what I thought to be necessary.
But dark shadows crept around me still while I carried on my daily chores without skipping a beat. I do not want to believe that this means anything more then that.
But other things weighed more heavily on my mind: am I spending the summer wisely?
Monday, April 30, 2007
Summer's Limbo
I find myself drifting from sunspot to sunspot, my world collasping into placid walks along perfectly manicured lawns. The fluffy summer sunlight showing the world to be comfortable patchwork of blonde and blue. There are cute speckled birds.
But there's a restlessness that wrestles inside me. I am not what I was bred to be. If the unversity could be personified into a single being of human calibre, he would look upon me in amazement and ask "So how is it that you don't know what NATO is? Why did I give you a degree?" On one hand, insecurity squeeks like the annoying hinges of an aged door. But that's just it, it's annoying, but insignificant as, afterall, I'm about to under go another 4 years of school. But for now, I answer calls and write proposals.
There is a sense of meaningless rotation in my life that is yet... meaningful in itself. I was thinking of my profound loneliness today. So profound it's not there. I have a loving boyfriend, a wonderful family and numerous confidants all aroumd the world. I am the least lonely person there is.
So I smiled and enjoyed the flowers.
I find myself drifting from sunspot to sunspot, my world collasping into placid walks along perfectly manicured lawns. The fluffy summer sunlight showing the world to be comfortable patchwork of blonde and blue. There are cute speckled birds.
But there's a restlessness that wrestles inside me. I am not what I was bred to be. If the unversity could be personified into a single being of human calibre, he would look upon me in amazement and ask "So how is it that you don't know what NATO is? Why did I give you a degree?" On one hand, insecurity squeeks like the annoying hinges of an aged door. But that's just it, it's annoying, but insignificant as, afterall, I'm about to under go another 4 years of school. But for now, I answer calls and write proposals.
There is a sense of meaningless rotation in my life that is yet... meaningful in itself. I was thinking of my profound loneliness today. So profound it's not there. I have a loving boyfriend, a wonderful family and numerous confidants all aroumd the world. I am the least lonely person there is.
So I smiled and enjoyed the flowers.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Ugh. Highly unimpressed with CIBC. I don't know how they can justify getting every aspect of my order wrong, and late. Not only am I unable to pay my landlord via check. I have to go all the way down to Sasamat on a Saturday for no other reason then to pick up the bank draft that they are drawing for me for Ontario. It's such a hassle. Respect is plummeting.
Why would you issue cheques for my savings account?
Why would you issue cheques for my savings account?
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
And this is why I love Vancouver.
"Dallas is winning 1 - 0 now..." I didn't really think much about Susan's comment about game. I was there for yoga, the first time in 3 weeks since crunch time started. I was so tired, I was falling asleep once we proceeded to the floor exercieses. So good.
An hour later, I'm walking out the door into the balmy spring evening. My head is assulted, still, by the echos of my tiny voice in the void Ian left, I'm concerned about my gym membership and some jack ass is thumping his horn. The car goes by, unflanked, unobstructed, NO GODDAMN REASON for the racket. I turn and glare as I cross the road. I hate to be interrupted like this.
But is wasn't just him, a middle aged Chinese man, I had caught a glimpse of him through the steeliness of my glare. But the streets were alive! Cars of all sorts had taken up their voices in a rowdy chorus that bugged the crap out of me. Then I realise that... there has to be something more going on.
Let me guess, we won the game tonight?
Me to stranger. Who was grinning silly while waiting for the light to change.
Affirmative. I have never been in a city so spontaniously and yet disparately jubeelant.
Yay Canucks!
"Dallas is winning 1 - 0 now..." I didn't really think much about Susan's comment about game. I was there for yoga, the first time in 3 weeks since crunch time started. I was so tired, I was falling asleep once we proceeded to the floor exercieses. So good.
An hour later, I'm walking out the door into the balmy spring evening. My head is assulted, still, by the echos of my tiny voice in the void Ian left, I'm concerned about my gym membership and some jack ass is thumping his horn. The car goes by, unflanked, unobstructed, NO GODDAMN REASON for the racket. I turn and glare as I cross the road. I hate to be interrupted like this.
But is wasn't just him, a middle aged Chinese man, I had caught a glimpse of him through the steeliness of my glare. But the streets were alive! Cars of all sorts had taken up their voices in a rowdy chorus that bugged the crap out of me. Then I realise that... there has to be something more going on.
Let me guess, we won the game tonight?
Me to stranger. Who was grinning silly while waiting for the light to change.
Affirmative. I have never been in a city so spontaniously and yet disparately jubeelant.
Yay Canucks!
