Insecurity

Seems that most of us are plauged by it. I'm getting hit particularly badly these few days. It happens as a reaction to something too wonderful to comprehend, that I fear I'd lose it all due to my shortcomings or a flaw that i unwittingly possess. And it manifests in the most perculiar ways.

Yes dennis, I'm saying that it probably isn't the root of my insecurity but just an outlet. You know who i'm talking about. But then again, there is no other yardstick to measure by. And we we're left with our little friend off from the Zoo, who btw happened to be wonderful too during visiting hours i'm sure. Don't deny it.

It's a horried recognition that everything is momentary. I read a comic strip, a conversation between 2 guys ~

A: Guess what? Jenny and I are back together again!
B: oh, too bad for you.
A: why would you say that?
B: because she's a lying, low-down, selfish, disgusting shrew
A: Gosh, why would you say such bad things about Jenny?
B: well that's what you told me when you guys broke up.

So you can say that you don't live in the past, or even the future, but even the the past and future define our present so you have no way of escaping them. That in some way, some incident yesterday makes you more cautious today and some consideration in the future makes you more thoughtful perhaps.

It's like realising i don't belong, and I somehow can't as my presence would only serve to shadow the beauty that's bestowed upon me. It's paralyzing, coming face to face with something like that, and being wrecked with fear that I simply do not match up, not at all. That one day, my inadequacies would crack through, and all that you'd find, is a broken verson of that dream, a tear-stained, skinny, muted girl with nothing much to offer anyway. Why didn't I see this before? I've asked that question before, in reaction to my decisions. I don't expect anyone to be excluded, in any situation. We're all vunerable to this.

Love isn't love, when fear's as strong as he

And then we go on to a more objective angle. We see that insecurity leads to bitching which evantually becomes a habit. I enter JC last year and came face to face with people who, in many aspects, were so much better then me. I started losing ground in every area of my life and started becoming... a bitch. So i noticed the trend and reversed it. But these efforts only go as far as superficial. And it's the superfical i have no problem with.

I have no problem with the world, as long as it remains impersonal. My security lies in that fact that I am unknown, isn't that so in all of us. That we know that we start with a clean slate and with proper handling, attain what we would call a desirable reputation. So I can breeze in, get what i want and breeze out. Let me stay a moment or two and I... tremble tremble tremble

The whole irony of the situation is that when it doesn't matter, nothing happens. I remain Hannah no. 1 or 3, confident, cool, direct and even powerful. But when it does matter as much as you matter, Hannah no. 8 seeps in, paradoxically more powerful in her weakness, that she is rendered helpless, for fear. Fear that she is simply not good enough.

I know that much of this is breed out of a positive aspect in my life. Of everything positive one has, there is always a negative setback to it. so i think.

For beauty, vanity
For intellect, pride
For a desire to improve, jealousy.

For transparency, insecurity.

So much so that i fear that this obsession may be the harmatia in your life, that you cannot handle my emotional weakness coupled with overbearing emotional strength. Even I have problems dealing with myself, I have 8 different aspects of me living inside, all similar in strength and priority, all polarically different. So every once in a while i engage in a silent battle which leaves me exhausted.

So how do I expect someone else to handle that in me?

My driving force in life is to have it all, to over-achieve, to be all.

...You can't change the world you know...
Not the world, I want to change myself...
But Hannah you are the world. Your world.

How tragic, how mundane, how pointless.