For the past 5 years

Edwardian style

...There is only one man in my life who has ever... made me happy. Do you know that? One!...

...who is out there somewhere in the dark... who is good to me, and whom i revile; who understand me, and whom i push off; who can make me laugh and I choke it back in my throat; who can hold me, at night, so that it's warm, and whom i will bite so there's blood; who keeps learning the games we play as quickly as i can change the rules; who can make me happy and I do not wish to be happy, and yes I do wish to be happy... sad, sad, sad.

Sad.

...whom I will not forgive for having come to rest; for having seen me and having said: yes; this will do; who has made the hideous, the hurting, the insulting mistake of loving me and must be punished for it... sad sad sad

Sad.

...who tolerates, which is intorerable; who is kind, which is cruel; who understands, which is beyond comprehension...

... sad, sad, sad.

Some day... hah! some night... some stupid liquor-ridden night... I will go too far... and I'll either break the man's back... or push him off for good... which is what i deserve

5 years, and you're back for more.

I'm having a horrid day.
Maybe it was last night, or my dream...
Maybe it's the sheer stupidity of it all, like a vicious cycle.

I'd blame PMS, but my period is over
I'd blame the weather, but I love the rain
I'd blame the stress, but the bulk's over
I'd blame my mirror, but it's already been kinder
I'd blame my loneliness, but I'm far from that
I'd blame the alcohol, but it's been 2 days
I'd blame you, but that's impossible
I'd blame me...
[Silence]