I've been grumpy of late. I need things to do.

I realise that I am a creature of routine. I sure as hell need it. I'm so ineffectual when I'm slacking. So i sleep from 3 am to 11 am and then I wake up with a massive head-ache, go about doing little things then get sleepy by 5 pm. Gosh. I can't wait to start school... at least I'll have some sort of constant.

I've spent the last 2 day mingling with established individuals within the arts scene. And as usual, my little insecurites play up. Dammit.

I Desprately want it ALL

One of the most powerful TSD workshops that lofty conducted was the Clown one.
Where we all sat in front of the mirror and searched our images in the dim studio light to find "our inner clown".
So we all stared and dug for our "through-line in life".
To find "what we lived for"
"our driving force"
"source of motivation"
...
..
.

It was heart-breaking really. The one thing that had the potential to transform one into the quintessential comic was well, tragedy.
Not a new concept but when you are faced with real lives and precious individuals, the weight of it comes crashing down.
Tears were shed,
Facades torn,
And for a brief moment,
A little window in time,
Raw lives.
Naked and well...
Desperate.

Our need for God reaches far beyound what we know.

And so it all meets together.
My driving force and my struggles.
I despratealy want it all and all will rip me apart.

[Sat Sep 28, 08:20:32 PM | Hannah Lim | edit]

We are but Clowns

It was pure horror really, to see all all pretenses stripped away with a single line, the distillation of our essence.
No wonder clowns are so Darn scary.

Painful revalation. We saw so much more then could ever be revealed in a lifetime. I never really knew my driving force in life anyway.
"I desprately want it all"
I saw there, in the studio, our cradle, the sheer waste of human life-forms. We're pathetic, hopeless, lost and afraid. With nothing to keep us together but the masks that we wear and in that one line, We threw them away, coming face to face with each other... and ourselves.

I saw there, the "who" and not the "what" of every person. What we thought true of someone, revealed to be nothing more then a symptom of a greater, sadder, more powerful yet simpler truth...

"I'm always alone"
"Whatever... i don't care.. whatever"
"If i smile, everything will be alright"
"I don't know"

And so we sat there, crying, scared. Knowing too much. The truth was what we sought (we were trying to find our inner clown dammit) and we realised that the truth was not worth searching for. At least not the truth of ourselves as humans...

It made us question how we are to live. With these truths or these masks. Perhaps more immediate.. how can we face each other again knowing now that we know each other far beyound what we intended. And how do we face ourselves? How do we Continue knowing how utterly worthless and pathetic we are? Do we convince our clowns that he will one day triumph over the world? Or do we just crumble...

We had never been aware of our condition perhaps, that we indeed believed in the masks we don to protect us from who we are. I never knew that I personally am driven by utter depravity, by a sheer desperation to have everything possible, emotionally, materialistically... So hence i find my source of greed, pride, fear, self-conciousness, worldliness and jealousy. I see why i want attention, why i want to go shopping... and why i am never satisfied... I Desprately want it ALL