Affirmative

It is sad that in the days when life must be most beautiful, I am not alive to experience the full extent of it. Curtis says that the slump is the direct result of chugging down 6 weeks of academic absinthe. All that hard work and density is killing me.

As Sarah notes, for me to be unconcerned about the fact that I might get 4 'D's on my transcript (for chinese, of course) and to be nonchalent about the mis-reading of my I/R Theory midterm, would be symptomatic of my weariness of school. Dang it. Graduate already.

But what all this leads me to is just a general sense of boredom and superficiality in my life. I am becoming plastic (although I'm sure there are people out there who would say that I have always been). I talk but I don't communicate. I talk out of habit, these are the things I talk about, these are the things I say, these are the things I do, these are the things that constitute the reflection of my identity to the world.

So more then anything else, I think this is taking a hit on my identity and as a result, my social interaction. Go on, tell me something I haven't heard before, give me a new paradigm. Even if you succeed, I probably won't have the energy to really care or engage in it. I look around and wonder why people care about half the things they care about. I look at myself and wonder the same thing.

I also have issues with difference. I remember telling Sarah once last year about have I have trouble seeing why people see things the way they do. She, in her bountiful grace, reassures me that this is just a by-product of careful deliberation and actualization of morality on issues that I encounter. But that's besides the point. I simply don't understand why people function the way they do sometimes. Not that I don't see their point of view, or see where their coming from, or see how they came about with various conclusions, or sympathize, or empathize, or excuse them... yet looking at all this and all that, and none of it makes sense to my little mind. I feel like I'm standing in a relational black hole. I want everything and everything gravitates towards me andfinallyendsupcrashinginonmeandcollaspingundertheweightofeverything.

Breathe.

So... I don't understand, I can't seem to be real, and I am bothered by it so I can't say that I don't care. But... yeah.... huh.... Talk to me now about anything existential and I'd rather be a chimpanzee.

la fee verte.
Here.