Thursday

Amidst morning laughter with family and friend, a familiar number flashes across my cellphone screen. Ah, it's the boyfriend.

"Did you get Dennis' message? He wants to have Dinner on Thursday. You, Me, Himself and Jasmine..."

So I spent the rest of my day with a little sullied cloud over my head. Why would Dennis arrange to have us all for dinner when we aren't even on talking terms? And forgive me for my nitpicking but I thought his negligence to text and inform me himself rather rude. And 8 pm in the east when I live in the North, well inconsiderate. All that aside, I have spent every stray moment in my own mental universe. Thinking, thinking, thinking... what could possibly be going on? What might possibly happen?

Well, whatever the case, Sue is here and Sue is coming with me. I thank God. She will keep my dirty tougue and evil heart from inflicting too much damage on our generous hosts.

I cannot imagine a 'casual dinner' on Thursday (unless I read wrongly) to be a good way to sort things out between us. These things happen behind closed doors and privately. But seeing what Dennis himself has been telling me about being unable to respond to my messages ('it's a woman insecurity thing' - what sexist labelling) I begin to wonder if there is no other way. Then I wonder if I want anything this way. And then I wonder if I even care.

Well maybe Thursday is really intended to BE a casual dinner between old friends, army buddies and girlfriends ooo tickle hahaha you're a riot that's awesome how cool. But then the present seeps the colour back into my mind and I conciously remind myself that Thursday will come and go, and life will sweep us along anyway. Only, Hannah, keep in mind that this is your story and you must live it well. Do not mess it up anymore then you already have. Already have. Some things are irreversible regret, inevitable. But not irredeemable, and this is the power of God in my life.

All in all, I am really convinced that Dennis does not understand the extent of the hurt inflicted on me, nor the intensity of the love I harboured for him. As Pastor Wee says, it's all a misunderstanding, and had we been clear about each other's intentions, things would have turned out quite differently. And then I look around me, at my amazing life (which I would trade for no one else's), my bright future, my perfect family, my loyal friends, and my ever-loving boyfriend to whom my heart is not yet given(it honestly remains with Dennis, still), but who has agreed to walk my pain with me, and through that will irrevocably capture my being again.

I start to see that maybe, compared to this life, I wouldn't have wanted it that way anyway.