Family is always awesome.

:)

Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store!

Grace. Amen.

To love another person is to see the face of God.

The difference

There's something about you, that's just different. You live life better.
~ Buddhist to Sue.

I see a need to spend more time with God. To pray, meditate and seek His word. I would hate to skirt along the edges of life, not willing to plug in because of a stupid whim to be self-centered. I'm starting to get the hang of hanging out. I'm starting to become known again. Slowly. Not in the way that I have been known for the past 7 years. As Elim said, I need to let God fill that one.

And I'm starting to know again. I think.

I think it's hilarious how you think you know me.
~ Dustin to myself.

Sigh. I wonder how much more hilarity exists in my life

A person drowning in self-absorbtion cannot quite see beyond her failing arms. How to see the truth? I appreciate the reality check every now and then, reminding me that things, especially people, aren't always what I see them as. Thankfully.

And that gives way to so much humilty and grace.

I will go to bed tonight with many strange feelings. Reading things that probably aren't too healthy for me to dwell on, I realise how beautiful and how distant people can be. I never realise how solitary I am (or can be) until I nudge myself away from the center of the universe.

Run along little man.

The fact that God is infinite allows him to absorb all hurt, sin and pain, making forgiveness via the cross possible. I, on the other hand, am nowhere near 5 ft 1", and am painfully lacking in the art of absorbing pain. In weakness then, I can only think of psychological disembowelment and mutilation. Then I realise that I what really lack is love.

Center me.

And I realise that what I really want, is to be known.
Like I was before.

As I was lying in bed last night, I was thinking about how grateful I am to have Lyndis and Josh in my life. Thank you.

You too, parents.

Go.

I have done much today and I am pleased. I enjoy really taking time to do things and making the most of everything that I do. I enjoy connecting with people and building the intangible. I think I'd make this a plan of action. To not senselessly waste time and to be pro-active in life.

Lunch with Lysandra was good. I enjoy her company and appreciate her taking the effort to ask me out for coffee/lunch. Sweet thing. There are great people out there. Once again the world surprises me with the fact that it is not all two-dimensional and predictably cold.

Made dinner with Sheena. The grocery part was a bit odd. I've never shared food this way before and I think I will have to let calculativeness go and grace flood in. This is learning in flesh. Dinner was awesome, so was conversation, cleaning, baking and laundry. Leon is a sweetie.

Stop.

Lingering in my past in an unhealthy obsession. I enjoy reading old blog entires to savour youth and childishness again. I find that things are very different from what I expected them to be. I think what hurts the most is reading about Dennis, and how much we had and how much I loved him and thought that we would be. I think I'm over it all, but really, to rip off the romance of DeBeers:

An Amputation is Forever

And for the rest of the world, please make sure that that rock you wear around your finger is conflict free. Both in South Africa and within yourself.

Wait.

-The person-
It is true that I connect with people quite well. I converse and talk and get comfortable with. But I wonder how much of that is really true. It's easy to play the social role. It is something that I picked up while doing theatre. A good actor delivers the part and makes it seem true. Believeable.

Stanislavski would make sure that it IS true. If you're about to do Hamlet, please make sure that you have sersiouly contemplated on whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them to die: to sleep; no more.

But I don't think I ever was a good method actor. I'm a snap. And the thing about snap, is that you rarely ever are the role you play.

But that's about enough for today. I'm going to get up and go.

Genuine

More then being real.
I won't be just a bunch of reactions, but human.

I'll be working very hard for the next period or so to develop myself humanly, to be in relationships, to trust to love and to invest in and be invested it. I will learn to overcome my fear of the big world out there and to outgrow my insecurity of the even bigger world within.

There are good people in the world

I think I view humanity and society as Elim does dogs, with fear and suspicion. I'm excited to see that slowly leave me, like a dying tide. Exposing rubble yes, but lots of interesting and beautiful things.

"it's more important to know yourself"

To make myself known.

Becuase that's what we all crave most.

You Live, You learn.

I was in very good company today, and I learnt many things. I think God's really giving me a nudge in the practical side of life. I found that in first year, He taught me to love Him with my mind, in second year, He taught me to love with my Heart. And now...

I found that going to school freshly showered is a joy. I came back from the gym, took a bath and boy that feels good.

I also made vegetable curry, and it was good.

I met Elim, her flatmate, his collegue and Mel to go to the Richmond night market. I bought socks and Dusty's present. Exactly what I needed. I found my inner tai-tai emerging as I lusted over the $20 super-mop that could pick up ANYTHING. Honestly. I want.

We later sat by the river and made paper sampans out of the old notebook prayers that I had written last year. I yelled at them to refrain from reading the utter-most personal, intimate moments that I penned as much as words would serve. We tossed them in the river. Good-bye

Mel's car wasn't in it's parking lot. We put the pieces together and concluded that it was towed. We were right. We taxied to the tow company at 11.30 pm (the towing was more expensive the the fine) and at 11.45 we set off.... to burnaby (a wrong turn.)

I came home to find my curry all burnt. I guess there is a limit to how long you can leave the crockpot on.

It was a lot of curry.
---

Do you find that you talk to yourself when you're a lone?
Oh buddy, you have no idea.

Sadly, what I find myself mumbling, most incoherently, most often, is the word 'Home'.
And I know that it's not Singapore, or Gage, but some nebulous idea existing beyond my reach that is reflected in my life in the form of dark shadows that dance deceivingly on the cave wall.

So I can move forward...

Fantasy or reality,
Analysis and theories,
What does matter really?

I'M STILL VERY MUCH LOCKED WITHIN MYSELF.

"If a drunkard signs the pledge, or a rich man gives all his money away, they are both of them freeing themselves from their slavery to alcohol or riches, but nor from their bondage to themselves. They are still moving in their own little orbit, perhaps even more then they were before."

Tell me what to achieve

MY EXISTANCE DECEIVES ME.

"If we take the first step with the deliberate intention of placing ourselves in the situation where faith is possible, even this possibility of faith will be nothing but a work. The new life it opens to us is still a life within the limits of our old existence, and therefore a complete misapprehension of the ture nature of the new life. We are still in unbelief. "

Tell me what to believe,
Won't you bring me order?

Slowly lah.

...all these car crashes in my head.

Only he.

Discipleship is not an offer man makes to Christ. It is only the call which creates the situation.

I want, I'd like, but I don't know if I've been called.
And I can't do a damn thing about it, except obey.

That's my lot.