I am writing this above your blog.
I am sorry, I knew no other way.
I was selfish, very very selfish.
My anger was justified, but it was not hate, it was pain.
It still hurts to hear your voice, shaking in agony. to know that I hurt you by simply existing.
To know that you love me, and that I love you, but they do not meet.
It hurts that I harbour anger...
And to know that I did not have consideration for you when I attempted to handle that anger.
But why did you have to?
twice over I ask this question, refering to 2 different junctures in our relationship.
The first you will never answer too, I don't want to know. It will only hurt more.
The second.
Why 6? why not 9 or 10?
a cry perhaps?
Leave me in my selfishness... or guilt.
But I do love you, in my selfish way.
But not in the way you do.
I will try try try.
But fuck. THAT IS NOT THE WAY
I want to slap you and hold you at the same time.
Being self-absorbed
Guilt: a selfish reaction to another's pain.
I will try not to, But to be strong, for him and me.
To understand that delicate balance.
But for now. I'm just paralyzed...
I can only sit here... and helplessly delete blog entries.
Flacid and useless.
Father God, please.
Oh but God it was my fault.
I shouldn't have...
Twisted
You know it only breaks my heart
To see you standing in the dark alone
Waiting there for me to come back
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded
I can only take so much
These tears are turning me to rust
I know you're waiting there for me to
come back
She tied you to a kitchen chair,
She broke your throne and cut your hair,
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah.
And she broke you...
Saturday, November 02, 2002
*thinking hard*
That's how it's been lately.
It's amazing that I'm still studying, though most of the time is spent trying to eradicate the random thoughts that float through my mind.
Cell group:
Question ~ What would you do if you were God after Gensis 11?
If I were a mother, even if my child went astray, I wouldn't kill him and simply beget another...
Reflections.
That we images of God, would still be beautiful,
...despite being imperfect.
God's not done with me yet... forgive me.
That's how it's been lately.
It's amazing that I'm still studying, though most of the time is spent trying to eradicate the random thoughts that float through my mind.
Cell group:
Question ~ What would you do if you were God after Gensis 11?
If I were a mother, even if my child went astray, I wouldn't kill him and simply beget another...
Reflections.
That we images of God, would still be beautiful,
...despite being imperfect.
God's not done with me yet... forgive me.
Friday, November 01, 2002
I see that I am having a hay-day on my blog.
Beautiful, don't know if I should agree with your opinion on blogging. "such a superfical outlet of communication."
Then again... it has the paradoxical nature of being the safest, and thus by far becoming the most dangerous.
So it's back to the ol rat dragger race (somehow dennis, that always reminds me of chris)
How are the hamsters doing babe? Feed them well, clean them and love them.
Go forth and multiply
But beware.. 3 generations of 40 hamsters can be quite a handful...
She's a beauty queen
My sweet bean bag in the street
Take it
down to the laundry scene
Don't know why she's in my hand
Can't figure what it is
but I lie again
~tori
Beautiful, don't know if I should agree with your opinion on blogging. "such a superfical outlet of communication."
Then again... it has the paradoxical nature of being the safest, and thus by far becoming the most dangerous.
So it's back to the ol rat dragger race (somehow dennis, that always reminds me of chris)
How are the hamsters doing babe? Feed them well, clean them and love them.
Go forth and multiply
But beware.. 3 generations of 40 hamsters can be quite a handful...
She's a beauty queen
My sweet bean bag in the street
Take it
down to the laundry scene
Don't know why she's in my hand
Can't figure what it is
but I lie again
~tori
Okie guys, check this out... it's dennis' link of the week.
Who the hell?
So like she has the Bod and a pretty good face. But naayyyyyyyyyyy....
I've seen better heads in my lifetime. Like daryl said : standard lah.
Buck up your standards dennis.
ohhhhh but puh-lease check out her songs and her voice.
Haunting... Makes me wanna cry.
(or shriek in agony which ever one applies)
I woke up with her voice ringing in my head.
(to be exact it was her cover of I don't wanna miss a thing under the "misc" section of "music")
*somebody shut that banshee up*
But I gotta hand it to her.
She has guts, to put a voice like that on public domain and acknowledge that it BELONGS to her.
I gave her a 6/10. I mean attitude, and looks thrown together. (just don't let her sing) Pretty good. But something abt her style erks me...
Maybe it's her narcissistic, self-absorption. (she said she was a semi-narcissist.. she totally under rates herself)
And I bet some of you are nervously shifting around musing: why does Hannah go around checking girls out?!"
*blink* It's a best friend thing. eh dennis?
Who the hell?
So like she has the Bod and a pretty good face. But naayyyyyyyyyyy....
I've seen better heads in my lifetime. Like daryl said : standard lah.
Buck up your standards dennis.
ohhhhh but puh-lease check out her songs and her voice.
Haunting... Makes me wanna cry.
(or shriek in agony which ever one applies)
I woke up with her voice ringing in my head.
(to be exact it was her cover of I don't wanna miss a thing under the "misc" section of "music")
*somebody shut that banshee up*
But I gotta hand it to her.
She has guts, to put a voice like that on public domain and acknowledge that it BELONGS to her.
I gave her a 6/10. I mean attitude, and looks thrown together. (just don't let her sing) Pretty good. But something abt her style erks me...
Maybe it's her narcissistic, self-absorption. (she said she was a semi-narcissist.. she totally under rates herself)
And I bet some of you are nervously shifting around musing: why does Hannah go around checking girls out?!"
*blink* It's a best friend thing. eh dennis?
Thursday, October 31, 2002
Possession
Beautiful time.
Not just being happy, laughing, being loved...But in healing.
Thank you all for not judging or accusing.
And to you. For loving me, no strings attached.
Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied,
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath,
you words keep me alive,
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander,
it's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied,
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear...
Beautiful time.
Not just being happy, laughing, being loved...But in healing.
Thank you all for not judging or accusing.
And to you. For loving me, no strings attached.
Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied,
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath,
you words keep me alive,
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander,
it's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied,
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear...
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
The enigma of Love
I'm trying. It's been 5 years and I'm a little bitty rusty. Fear is not of God, so what can I say about my love which evokes fear?
That all I am trying to do now, is give without restraint and with abandon. It's been a long time, and I have so much to GIVE!!
"you gave me something
like loving
and took me in so soon
you took my feelings
from nothing
came back at noon
just meet me
i'm ready
to show myself to you
you've found my river
now will you
escape away too
but baby
i'm ready
i'm falling into you
cause you make me feel
cause you make me feel wild
you touch my inner smile
you got me in the mood
so come and make your rule
and free me "
~texas
All of you. *hug*
To be Human
A good friend of mine was sharing her experience with me.
That she did not want to shortchange herself of this experience. However.... yes you did get a little carried away with the grief and got sucked in eh?
But something that you said struck me:
"It's good to do that if you want to be human, but not if you want to heal"
So I thought about it. and realised...
That if we made a concious deliberate effort to feel or experience something, that wouldn't be a natural "human" thing to do would it?
Isn't everything that we do, feel, think and experience all contained within the arena of "being Human"? I mean Hitler was being human, so were you when you got over him in 2 days. So am I having fallen in love again, and so is dong, still being unabled to let go. It's just which aspects of humanity we're emulating. Afterall, we are all human, bred of the same condition, same emotional, spiritual, physcological creator, image, purpose.
So i figured, nothing we do can make us any more human, or any less for that matter. So heal on baby!
I'm trying. It's been 5 years and I'm a little bitty rusty. Fear is not of God, so what can I say about my love which evokes fear?
That all I am trying to do now, is give without restraint and with abandon. It's been a long time, and I have so much to GIVE!!
"you gave me something
like loving
and took me in so soon
you took my feelings
from nothing
came back at noon
just meet me
i'm ready
to show myself to you
you've found my river
now will you
escape away too
but baby
i'm ready
i'm falling into you
cause you make me feel
cause you make me feel wild
you touch my inner smile
you got me in the mood
so come and make your rule
and free me "
~texas
All of you. *hug*
To be Human
A good friend of mine was sharing her experience with me.
That she did not want to shortchange herself of this experience. However.... yes you did get a little carried away with the grief and got sucked in eh?
But something that you said struck me:
"It's good to do that if you want to be human, but not if you want to heal"
So I thought about it. and realised...
That if we made a concious deliberate effort to feel or experience something, that wouldn't be a natural "human" thing to do would it?
Isn't everything that we do, feel, think and experience all contained within the arena of "being Human"? I mean Hitler was being human, so were you when you got over him in 2 days. So am I having fallen in love again, and so is dong, still being unabled to let go. It's just which aspects of humanity we're emulating. Afterall, we are all human, bred of the same condition, same emotional, spiritual, physcological creator, image, purpose.
So i figured, nothing we do can make us any more human, or any less for that matter. So heal on baby!
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
Ahhhh... so I've just started to rebuild my faith in human nature. (As dennis would put it, "have more faith Hannah") Sooooo... far so good, I can start to love willingly, opening up delicately despite my otherwise leathery exterior. But as much as I am beginning to allow myself to be entralled in this recollected experience (last i remember being somewhere at 13 years of age... 5 years, 5 teen-age years, of being unabled to let another person close... except for dennis) I start to doubt. Not the goodness and beauty of others, not that, which is easily beckoning me to submit to self-release, but myself.
I start to worry that if I allow myself to get involved in a whole new web of unrestrainted friendships, that I might be my self-traitor, poisoning whatever is joyfully granted to me, not by any right but by grace (like every relationship on earth is but an image of our relationship with God, the fact that we are loved despite being so unlovely is a gesture of grace).
Like you Dennis, I am a creature of necessity, i.e. i make and keep relationships out of necessity. No sentimentality, no emo (but I am a girl afterall so i guess Hannah no. 4 may emerge once in a while, maybe while looking at photos, but on the whole, i would not attempt to revive whatever has passed).
My philosophy? They come and go, both for a reason, when the time comes, let them go their way, they have fulfilled their purpose in your life, and you in theirs.
Fine by me for the past 5 years. But suddenly, with the re-introduction of "friends" along with all it's perks: laughter, ease, gossip, acceptance, love, dreams, concern, sharing... (you know me I could continue) I'm stumped. So I live and love, but I doubt... Do i love because I love? Or am i the perfect specimen advocating the Solipsistic theories... That everything I do, be it to befriend, to hold, to encourage, to love, springs not from an inner honest beauty, but from a self-centered, self-seeking, selfish machiavellian motivation, that it's all about me, my advancement, my life.
Or am I simply being human?
So how do I say I love... when I feel I do, but fear that I do not.
I start to worry that if I allow myself to get involved in a whole new web of unrestrainted friendships, that I might be my self-traitor, poisoning whatever is joyfully granted to me, not by any right but by grace (like every relationship on earth is but an image of our relationship with God, the fact that we are loved despite being so unlovely is a gesture of grace).
Like you Dennis, I am a creature of necessity, i.e. i make and keep relationships out of necessity. No sentimentality, no emo (but I am a girl afterall so i guess Hannah no. 4 may emerge once in a while, maybe while looking at photos, but on the whole, i would not attempt to revive whatever has passed).
My philosophy? They come and go, both for a reason, when the time comes, let them go their way, they have fulfilled their purpose in your life, and you in theirs.
Fine by me for the past 5 years. But suddenly, with the re-introduction of "friends" along with all it's perks: laughter, ease, gossip, acceptance, love, dreams, concern, sharing... (you know me I could continue) I'm stumped. So I live and love, but I doubt... Do i love because I love? Or am i the perfect specimen advocating the Solipsistic theories... That everything I do, be it to befriend, to hold, to encourage, to love, springs not from an inner honest beauty, but from a self-centered, self-seeking, selfish machiavellian motivation, that it's all about me, my advancement, my life.
Or am I simply being human?
So how do I say I love... when I feel I do, but fear that I do not.
Superhero
I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I'll give you my heart
I love you
And you alone were meant for me
Please give your loving heart to me
And say we'll never part
I think of you every morning
Dream of you every night
Darling I'm never lonely
Whenever you're in sight
I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I've given you my heart
I think of you every morning
Dream of you every night
Darling I'm never lonely
Whenever you're in sight
I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I've given you my heart
I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I'll give you my heart
I love you
And you alone were meant for me
Please give your loving heart to me
And say we'll never part
I think of you every morning
Dream of you every night
Darling I'm never lonely
Whenever you're in sight
I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I've given you my heart
I think of you every morning
Dream of you every night
Darling I'm never lonely
Whenever you're in sight
I love you for sentimental reasons
I hope you do believe me
I've given you my heart
For angie
Top 10 Fave Things
1. Dennis
2. Friday pre-CG coffee
3. HA CHEONG KAI!
4. "studying" with Angie and DQ
5. Jogging
6. Meeting up unexpectedly with old friends. (like Dawn and Cheryl)
7. Getting sweet surprises. (that are REALLY surprises)
8. Waiting no more then 5 min's for my bus
9. Long bus rides (969 or 858) but the air-con can't be too cold...
10. Shout outs!
Top 10 Fave Things
1. Dennis
2. Friday pre-CG coffee
3. HA CHEONG KAI!
4. "studying" with Angie and DQ
5. Jogging
6. Meeting up unexpectedly with old friends. (like Dawn and Cheryl)
7. Getting sweet surprises. (that are REALLY surprises)
8. Waiting no more then 5 min's for my bus
9. Long bus rides (969 or 858) but the air-con can't be too cold...
10. Shout outs!
