Day 5 pt 2

Initiated for health reasons, this cleanse is starting to take on a somewhat quasi-spiritual element to it. It's like a fast. Basically it IS a fast.

The past 5 days have been trying, difficult, empowering and humbling at the same time. It's amazing what you learn about yourself when you're in such a space of need, discomfort. And coupled with 6 km long, 2 hour odd walks each day (yes I AM too cheap to spend the $1.80 on a bus), I have had plenty of time to think, pray, meditate and talk to God. I bring my journal along (the one Baby G got me!) and I just started writing today.

With fasting, you learn a lot about yourself. Your vulnerabilities and true self almost. It's as if your conciousness is focused on ensuring that you DON'T eat that you forget to watch yourself, and this other person comes creeping up from behind your shoulder and you realise, Oh, it's actually me.

And now I understand what it means for the flesh to be weak. Actually, it's not weak. It's strong. Supremely strong. And boy does it ever have a mind of its own. I have to remind myself every 2 minutes that it is NOT a good idea to grab that pizza in the fridge. The body is deceitful. It seems to want to fool me out of my fast, to feign contentment in hopes that I would absent mindedly grab some cheese sticks. It knows when I am emotionally weakest, and pounces.

Speaking of the emotional, the past few days have been extremely trying on my spirit. I'm generally weepy and sad, contemplative and withdrawn. My long walks find myself looking for a quiet bench somewhere to read, write and lately, to cry. The slightest thing jolts tears to my eyes and stress triggers internal responses inproportionate to the cause. Works a tad bit dangerous now. I might be PMSing too.

And then comes the sense of helplessness, and this is where the humbling comes. I'm hungry but I can choose to eat. But I won't for reaons XYZ but why doesn't this make any sense?? It's strong entrapment and the forced understanding of the necessary present. Now is now and I am hungry now. But later (5 days later) I will eat and be happy. But I am here Now. And Now is now. Why isn't now then? I WANT TO EAT NOW.

5 more days. moan

But all that being said, this is a good process.