5/7/09
You do not, after all that has happened, show up to say shit like that. You might as well eat your own excrement, and take that as the physical manifestation of eating your words - every empty, meaningless, worthless one.
Needless to say I am a little angry today. Unfortunate, as it shows that I am a little off the end goal of having him not matter. Incidents will always hold significance of course, as they are the experiences that sum up our existence. But the people behind the experiences do not have to matter - and eventually, this one will not. I look forward to the day when there is no more anger, no more sadness, no more fear ... simply nothing. When I can look into his face and not sense a thing, as if he were merely a cup, a bowl, or something else inanimate and dispensable. I doubt that will ever happen of course, at least, I hope I never have the chance to figure out how far I've come and that I'll even forget I had such a goal.
But of course I have to turn everything into a spiritual / academic exercise and will agonize over the theology of it all. Thankfully, the distance that every day brings offers a little more perspective and clarity and for now, this is where I stand, more or less: I will wish him the best in life and love and will, with God's grace, do so willingly and with joy, as I do not wish anyone to suffer. But I will not concern myself with the specifics that is him, or care for who/what/how he is. Jesus loves him, but I am sure as hell not Jesus. I feel like Jesus died so that I am not responsible for such failings.
Needless to say I am a little angry today. Unfortunate, as it shows that I am a little off the end goal of having him not matter. Incidents will always hold significance of course, as they are the experiences that sum up our existence. But the people behind the experiences do not have to matter - and eventually, this one will not. I look forward to the day when there is no more anger, no more sadness, no more fear ... simply nothing. When I can look into his face and not sense a thing, as if he were merely a cup, a bowl, or something else inanimate and dispensable. I doubt that will ever happen of course, at least, I hope I never have the chance to figure out how far I've come and that I'll even forget I had such a goal.
But of course I have to turn everything into a spiritual / academic exercise and will agonize over the theology of it all. Thankfully, the distance that every day brings offers a little more perspective and clarity and for now, this is where I stand, more or less: I will wish him the best in life and love and will, with God's grace, do so willingly and with joy, as I do not wish anyone to suffer. But I will not concern myself with the specifics that is him, or care for who/what/how he is. Jesus loves him, but I am sure as hell not Jesus. I feel like Jesus died so that I am not responsible for such failings.
"I've lost all respect for him."
"Hannah! I am proud of you!
You said that a lot last month,
but I didn't believe that you really felt it.
But now I do.
And I think, it takes a lot to lose respect such as yours."
"Hannah! I am proud of you!
You said that a lot last month,
but I didn't believe that you really felt it.
But now I do.
And I think, it takes a lot to lose respect such as yours."
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