Bold

Everytime I think I got it made, that I can slowly settle in and relax I am presented by greater challenges.
External and internal.

External challenges are fine. refreshing almost. It's like a puzzle where you find the pieces that fit or find missing clues. At the end of the day, you remove yourself from the situation and feel all secure and unshakable. You can sit on your bed with a bible and praise God, or muse with a close friend over milo or coke.

Now internal challenges, they become problems. They are inexplicably linked with WHO you are and weigh around your neck like an anvil. You can't get through the day without dragging yourself. The state of mind you seem to conform too has depressed overtones. The end of the day feels like smack down, and you're still in the rink. You can't see beyond yourself and reclusion becomes almost unbearable.

On retrospect. Maybe I got it all wrong myself. Maybe there shouldn't be a distinction between the internal and external. That I am to a certain extent expected to internalize the external. I can't go around living my life apart from others. I have to be involved internally. Be with them.

"It's all about the people."

But sometimes, I think I change it to "it's all about me"
Don't you see? I'm solipsistic. Everything I do for you springs from a selfish motive.

"I desperately want it all"
I think we've found the root of our problems.
I forget how despensible and yet indespensible I am.
I forget that I cannot claim anything as my own doing, and yet forget the amount of effort required to make things work.

Sometimes, I think God's work is fused with who you are.
That's so beautiful...
... and scary

True.


You are Psalms.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is what I am but it's not ME.

Go figure.

Strange blessings.

I seriously don't know how to express what happens every weekend.

One person short of an offical party. Guys drunk on anything BUT alcohol (mostly on each other).
Some having the mental age of 3 year olds.

How can you not love them?
That's why I hang out with Guys...

But strangely, somewhere at some corner of my being, there is this little girl, hopping from one foot to the other, clutching her elbows whimpering... just please don't stop loving me.

Gap Kids ~ XL 10years old

"you make people around you feel better"

This is drastic change isn't it? from being queen mother bitch of the western skies.
It's amazing what God does. I can only boast in the Holy Spirit.

I've found my place, I've found my ministry, I've found my center, I've found my thru-line.

To honestly love, with all my being, everyone... everywhere.


The challenge is keeping it.

where conversation is worse than Titanic

So the matrix revolutions was one hell of a disappointment.
But tonight was pretty pivotal in so many ways.

It was hell organising a 11-person outing to the movies when everyone has differing timetables, different friends and budgets. It doesn't help that the cinema doesn't have pre-seating services, isn't in a convienient location and doesn't have sweet popcorn. Oh well.

But I must say it was worth it. And everything I see is way beyond me.

Momento Mori
Don't overrate yourself. It really isn't you

With great love comes great hate. The capacity to touch and to feel is but a tool and how it is used depends very much on the individual.

I can only pray that I first find favour in the eyes of God. Only then will I be a blessing which is, in turn, the greatest blessing one can have.

Nudge from the Big Guy
Never been this way before eh? Look at them, you're meant to love them all. And not by yourself...

And I do, I love all of you from the bottom of my heart. And I really want that to keep getting deeper.

On my own

I know I can sing. I just wish I didn't stop practising for 2 months. Now i fear opening my mouth. So much for the audition. It's funny because if anything, my acting was my saving grace. Acting, something that I was afraid to do back in TSD (despite faulkner's "what is she doing in make-up?!") I've unlearnt everything really and it just seemed to flow. It reminds me that ultimately, everything is internal, within and singularly yours.

I love Hobbes for this.


To merge my theatre with thier culture.
To make their culture mine.
To do their theatre.
To make their theatre mine.
To be me.

I want what's yours
And I'd give anything...

For all the boys on the radio.

Alright maybe not... But i'd like to feel that way too.

Crashing and burning isn't exactly my idea of a good healthy self. I think I'm still on the way.
I hope so.

In your endless summer night
I'll be on the other side
When the water is too deep
I will ease your suffering
When the glitter fades in morning
Turn away and you will find my empty eyes
Your beauty blinds



I know that you're rotten to the core...

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time...

hmmmm....

I'm cold. It's 0 degrees outside.
This is madness, It's freezing here while it's 7 degrees in Toronto.

Apparently vancouver is the most erratic places on earth when it comes to the weather.
Winter last year was warmer then fall this year...

Sometimes walking to the caf is too much. I start conciously searching for the 'esc' button to press to end my misery.
Even typing on my computer is hampered by the cold. My fingers go numb.
I can't get out of bed in the morning, I can't turn off the shower when I bathe...

All you people in Singapore, be warm for me...

And God saw that it was good...
Me too.

Realised that I have an attraction to strong slimcut males with an air of self-confidence, grace, and a hint of controlled arrogence.



Oh but trust me... it's more than that.

A typical Adrian conversation

Us: How do you know?

Adrain: [proudly] Because I am a science student!

[pregnant pause]

Us: Um... that has nothing to do with science... besides, you're an engineer.

You say you're starting to enjoy life in Canada eh? I'm in love.
But it's funny how we're all like family and yet, we don't go too deep or too raw.

It's a constant contention between the sense of familiarity and the strange.

So what happens now?

All relationships are built on necessity
~ One of Hannah's firm filosophies.

But perhaps... just maybe, this necessity should entail an element of personal choice and desire?

necessity and choice: gravity and ingenuity

Something from Josh

"to be prayerless is to be guilty of the worst form of practical atheism. We are saying that we believe in God but we can do without him. "

Dear God, Please let me find my watch.

Yes mummy, I'm sorry, I lost that one too.
I'm so upset I could kill myself.

*struggle*

Day by day

See what happens? I let up reading the bible and praying for a couple of days and I start slipping.
Misery starts seeping in and I find myself failing and desperately scratching around for something to hold on to and I know full well that it's all so darn useless and pathetic.

You're way too dependent on God, you're pretty useless as an individual without him.
Generalized other to me.

Then again, that's the point. More of God less of Me.
So I've become a weak and incapable individual that's overly dependent on my concept of God.

How much of that matters really? Really really matters?

To the rest of the world that sees me,
I'm effective, joyful and whole, perhaps stronger then ever and more human.
More joy, peace and patience.
With gifts aplenty.

So does it matter that I'm nothing without God?

Does it really really matter in the face of life?

being real...


BB

BTW, josh and I are starting a group of what we've affectionately dubbed BBs (bible buddies).
We aim to encourage each other to plow through the Bible in one year. the whole thing.

maybe not just as a text but as the living breathing word of God.

Any shouts of interest?