I never.

I'm coming out of my cage And I�ve been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I�m falling asleep And she�s calling a cab While he�s having a smoke And she�s taking a drag Now they�re going to bed And my stomach is sick And it�s all in my head But she�s touching his�chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, let me go I just can�t look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it�s just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes �Cause I�m Mr Brightside

I never.

I'm coming out of my cage And I�ve been doing just fine Gotta gotta be down Because I want it all It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I�m falling asleep And she�s calling a cab While he�s having a smoke And she�s taking a drag Now they�re going to bed And my stomach is sick And it�s all in my head But she�s touching his�chest Now, he takes off her dress Now, let me go I just can�t look its killing me And taking control Jealousy, turning saints into the sea Swimming through sick lullabies Choking on your alibis But it�s just the price I pay Destiny is calling me Open up my eager eyes �Cause I�m Mr Brightside
I never.

The Killers ~ Mr brightside.

I am.

Come hither, 4th of July.

Here's the bit of absurd existentialism.

I am waiting.

HAHAHAHA :: Ian Tann rocks my socks

He gives me strength to be gracious, to be positive and to just live it like it is.
Sure it mayn't be altruistic, but it all fits well into my mirocosmic fabric of life.

Thank you God.

And after 3 days of ranting and seething, the temple can be rebuilt. Tomorrow at work, I will ask Vivek to rerun that conversation we had a week ago, about looking back at our lives and quizzing over why we stress ourselves up so, over such innane things. Things are good, God is sovereign and He works with us. It's the amazing partnership between man and God that rushes us toward the escatological end.
---
Things work.

I had a great BBQ with my parent's CG. I swam, ate, played squash, ate, swam, ate, showered, talked. And as I zipped up my goggle case that happily mummufied my aquatic-optical-organ-protective-equipment, and pushed my toes a little deeper into my plush teva slippers (bought cheap at a warehouse sale), I found that I finally reached the height of materialistic satisfaction. Buy things that you need, that make your life significantly (albeit slightly) more functional and rational.

Now I just need to get my hands on that iBook...

Existentialthe

right now in this moment of sheer human weakness I'd like to say that I fucking hate you. And I pretty much do. But not for forever... just for now. It's just a moment, this time will pass.

"its about time for a leap into the big unknown. this goes into my head as "Stories for the grand-children". of my bestest bestfriend of 7 years and how things naturally come to how they are. its all good.

and ive heard rumours. no one is to blame anyone. especially if your name isnt dennis or hannah. "
~ Dennis. (emphasis added)

I understand that pain is natural too.

I will tell my story.
It will be my story.
And I will hide nothing from no one.

And after this is done, I will allow you to fade away, to where you don't matter.
But that will be later, for now i will wrestle, resist my urge to slaughter, and just drag my sorry emotional corpse through the mud of now, entrails trailing dramatically behind.

EDIT:: I cancelled this bit almost immediately after I posted it on. I have this principle to never delete what I blogged if I changed my mind about something. Because that was once a moment of Truth. But as life often proves, (as it just has to me) a moment of truth is just that, A moment. And so things change and so do people. But you can never undo the past. So be very very careful about the story you're living. Live it well.

Anyway Dustin is right: One thing never fails - my drama.
---
The weight of human responsibility once again resonates with me today. We make choices that ripple out like stones dropped into water. We live with them, not just you or I, but you, me and every other goddamn human being that comes into contact with us. Walk humbly Hannah.

And today, I figure that as opposite the notions of Justice and Grace are, they are usually delivered hand in hand. Thank you God, for all this.

Now work me.

I want you to know, you don't need me anymore.

Tonight, Dennis agreed that it was time to end our 7-year-old life together. He tapped my shoulder in the middle of 'The Office' and told me so.

Well then.

I guess that's the end of it all. Naturally, it doesn't come easy. I feel like I've to plunge a knife into something that is very much alive. I think I've come a long way through this struggle and have mastered the art of containing myself within my 5 foot frame. What I would have otherwise done, when expressed, brought Thiyachai down to shudders and chuckles. But no more.

So this is the end of our relationship, of a life, of the only life that I know.

Walk on.
You got to leave it behind.

I don't quite know where to start. As Thi pointed out, nothing really happens when it's still a swirl of emotion, inexplicable internal life forces just seeking for a direction to flow. The real distance comes with indifference. So I'm working on it. <-- Get the irony?

I've deleted his link off my blog, deleted and blocked him from MSN...
I won't have anything, as far as I can help it, to do with his life.

No they can't even feel it

Now before the gasps come rolling in, it was a joint decision between Dennis and myself. Logically, I am glad for this bilateral action. It breathes freedom and a new adventurous life ahead of me. True me-ness, true intensity and love. I praise God for the lessons I'll be learning, the Grace I'll be cultivating and the independece I'll be strengthening.

"Give up something" <--- my job in "The office"
"pfft... I know what I'm giving up: Dennis"

"my pride"

At the end of the day, I couldn't singlehandedly give up my relationship with Dennis. It was never completely mine to hold anyway. And anyway, it was given up for me, via a tap on my shoulder in the middle of the Alliance Franchise.

I can justify, I can logicalize, rationalize and theorize...

BUT I CAN NEVER DO AWAY WITH THE FACT THAT I AM HUMAN AND THAT I AM HURTING DESPERATELY RIGHT NOW.

It's just a moment, this time will pass.

2 days off and I go back to VJ to help the kids with their exams. Shaun is an acting genius. I have never seen acting so good. Maybe execpt Ivan Heng.

I spend all afternoon with Jiayin talking about the past and gasping about the present. I find a picture of myself dolled up for our TSD exam. I had long hair then. I have an ephiany about the people I worked with in TSD. About how most of my misgivings were totally unwarrented and about how much I really appreciate them for who they are, what they do and the art they give. I'm sorry for being so wrong and so selfish.

I'm starting to really see the importance of our actions and decisions in life. If I'm spoiled for choice, I'm weighted with responsibility.

Why do we crucify ourselves?

Today I took a walk through the Opera Gallery at Takashimaya Shopping center, I was just passing through. But this has fast become one of my favourite places to visit in town. Paint and paper going for tens of thousands of USD... charming. But anyway, I was snaking though the gallery and I realise that the most popular form for representation was the Female.

Not just the female form in all its sensual glory, but the female being: In all her mystery, divinity and complexity. The goddess is reflected and worshipped two-dimensionally, with stokes and blends that hold her complexion with the utmost reverence.

She does not fart, act stupid, nor does she ever make a foolish comment that might rape her dignity.

So there is Woman: held at an arms length
behind a glass pane
within a gilded frame.

Is there truth? Can beauty exist for beauty's sake?
----
I wonder where we get these non-truths from.
Maybe if we talked about our differences every once in a while instead of sloshing them on naked canvasas, we girls would be able to identify more with the Woman in the painting.

All that you can't leave behind.
U2 provides my worship songs, my philosophy in life and my muse.
My medium of expression, of release and refocusing.

I realise I spend way too much time in my head playing scenarios, dreaming of the future and altering reality.

I might be going insane.

It's also a thought that Changed the world

In the wisdom of my father:

Somethings are better left unsaid.

So despite beliving in transparency, I also believe in truth. Truth that engages and acknowledges the worth and beauty of the individual. There's time to transparency and there's grace. And maybe, just maybe, I'll experience the beauty and goodness of it all, and not just theorise about it.

So for now, I will struggle with my thoughts and secret conversations. Bite my tongue and keep my teeth in. Only when I finally do not feel the need to talk this way, will I
Be
Free.

She travels outside Of karma, karma She travels outside Of karma

Indeed, I can live without all this.

I've had a tiring day/week/month/year, and I'm all prepared to go to bed/scream out loud/go on a holiday/jump off the roof. But there are small things that make me smile/get me through/make it ok/make life amazing. I just wish, as Vivek keeps pointing out, that I could make them last.

---
TSD once again speaks truth into my life:

Blanche regretfully blames herself for driving her husband to suicide by cruelly rejecting him - at another dance casino:

"I killed him. One night, we drove out to a place called Moon Lake Casino. We danced the Varsouviana! Suddenly in the middle of the dance floor, the boy I had married broke away from me and ran out of the casino. A few minutes later - a shot! (A distant shot sounds) I ran - all did - all ran and gathered about the terrible thing at the edge of the lake. He stuck a revolver into his mouth and fired. It was because, on the dance floor, unable to stop myself I said - 'You're weak! I've lost respect for you! I despise you!"

Walk humbly Hannah.