Pastor Wee tells me that this whole Dennis thing is a big misunderstanding. Dennis has misunderstood me and I have misunderstood him. No this isn't going to be another angry/emo rant about the ex-boyfriend to stood center of my life for 7 years. It's really going to be about Belmont.

So maybe it was all the result of a misunderstanding. Maybe everything that I say and feel is really just misinformation and untruths spewing around. Perhaps. But then what? Given that Dennis refuses to engage with me in almost any form of discourse, I think it is safe to say that such misinformation is an inevitable condition. How can I find out for sure who you are if you do not talk to me? I will have no choice but to continue with this unflattering impression of thus.

And so, I have found that when it comes to Belmont, I have my images, my perceptions and my solitarily-form realities. And they aren't always pretty, swinging from insecurity to insecurity. But then the evening rolls by and we find ourselves by the beach, in a park. Engaging person to person, soul to soul, I am taken by surprise by a reality so familiar, yet differently hued. Then my breath disppears into the thin midnight air, and my feet no longer know the ground.

Always Mel, we'd always be friends.
~ The end of our MSN conversation, 2 seconds ago.

So immediately after blogging the previous post, I nestle down in bed and call the boyfriend at 1 am. Poor kid is up struggling with his project overview and decides to relax with a bit of conversation with me.

Me: "... or something rather."
Bel: "what?"
Me: "or something rather."
Bel: " huh?"
Me: "Or something rather. It just means, something around there lah"
Bel: "Nice. You can like, not wear clothes or something."
Me: "... .... what?..."
Bel: "Nothing."
Me: "what?"
Bel: "Nothing."
Me: "what?"
Bel: "Nothing."
Me: "What did you just say?"
Bel: "Nothing..."
Me: "...Omg, was that a freudian slip?!"
Bel: "uh... I guess so."

He suggested I blog this, for humour's sake. We laughed for ten minutes.
World, meet Belmont the boyfriend. He is my ridiculousness in its masculine form, my intensity inverted into calculated self-conciousness, my fury made calm and my fears met with honesty.

I'd like to give my heart away. Seeing that he is bold enough to tell me that he loves me.

I won't say 'I hope all is well with you' because I wouldn't mean it.

I don't know whose side I'm taking, but I'm not taking things too well.

[If only she knew ~ M. Branch]

I think it was a retired bus no 167 that rounded the bend at the Sembawang bus terminal where I stood. The pixelated signboard sang out hallowed seasons greetings "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year". A week ago, I found myself screaming in Changi General Hospital whilst desperate nurses tried to give me my Hep A booster shot. A booster to the orginal jab administered in May.

Has it already been six months? Am I going 'home' already?
So much has happened. I wonder, did I orchestrate this for real?

I have been enjoying myself immensely. I have deep affection for the world I have created during my 'exchange programme'. Munchie Monkey, lunch in the Business Canteen, Fong Sengs. Belmont, Erwin, Ting, Marcus, Jason, the band, Jacky, Nick and the lot. What friends! What joy!

Why you so narcissistic one har?
~ The boyfriend in response to my previous post.

Anyway, we went to the MV Doulos today and walked around the familiar bookstore. How long has it been since I first set foot on the ship? Aye, I wouldn't know. I was there 30 years ago when I was still unformed in my mother's side. I wanted to let Belmont into these tiny corners of my life. Afterall it was Burma in 1998 that changed my life.

I appreciate the honesty we have between us. It reveals the desperate need we have for the divine. And then,

I want a trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes no sense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

Miracle Drug ~ U2

I sometimes cannot deal with the emotional trauma I decidedly drag myself through. Dealing with the past and the future draws out the strength of the present. I hence forth waste my time recouperating instead of say, doing my readings. Then I panic and kick myself for having no discipline and shit. Shit shit. Life goes on.

On the bus today, I found myself wondering about the number of hearts I have broken. How many boys have cried over me? Too many. Alright, this has got to stop. And it stops here.

And I must let all else go.

I won't worry about the unnessary to retract from my happiness.
Just be the best that I can be, and love intensely.

Then, life will follow.

Chase me?

Can't hold on forever baby.

Today was insane.

I know that everything is not ok
But you're like honey on my tongue

I'm just tired.
I enjoyed talking to Dawn today.

I really have nothing intelligent to say. Maybe this.

Words, words, words, have you heard
A bird in hand is much better than,
Any number free to wander
Fly away...stay
You pay for what you get
You pay for what you get

Everybody asks me how she's doing
Since she went away
I said I couldn't tell you
I'm okay, I'm okay
Surprise, surprise you pay for what you get
You pay for what you get

[Pay for what you get ~ DMB]

Yes. Nothing in the relational realm happens by chance. Here is where concious decision-making has the most impact. Two together, to create and call into being. I might have left, but put simply, you didn't stay. And I'm glad you didn't.

So the difference between the promises made today and those uttered two years ago, is that these today were made with a sincere, and not desperate, heart. And that these today were made by a soul with the strengh, will and conviction to carry them, and me, through.

I stood staring quizzically at the two cups of teh and the blueberry muffin trying to cheograph the feat of carry three items within the reaches of my two small hands.

“啊，那边有 tray 你可以拿来用。” The drink store uncle suggests.

It then dawns upon me that I have the solution to end all problem: “不用！我有男朋友！”

So I turn around and hollar across two or three tables, "Boyfriend!!". And as sure as the sun rises, he turns his head in my direction, stands and walks over with the muscle needed to carry the two tiny cups of tea back to the table.

'... no wonder the uncle looked so amused. But I think I can handle that.'