*stretch*

From Confessions of a College Call Girl

But the truth is, while I was willing to sell my body, I wasn’t willing to sell my independence. Life is difficult for all of us; it’s always been very difficult for me. It was tempting to let someone else take care of me; the word after all is “kept.” A kept woman is kept safe, fed, groomed, and presumably, happy. But even looking around the funky bar, at the beautiful people, as much as I was impressed by it all, what good would a life like that be if you didn’t like the person you were sharing it with? My free will wasn’t for sale.

But for many women it is and I don’t blame them for choosing to trade independence for security, for the Amex with their name on it and the rent-free apartment. I don’t begrudge them their big payday. The problem is placing so much value on wealth and privilege, I suppose, but these things have tempted many a young girl throughout the years.

Story of life isn't it? You pay for what you get, and sometimes it isn't cheap. But you know it's worth it, even if it might not be the path most travelled.

Easy

I'm not sure where this wall of anger came from, but I've been ramming my head against it for half a day. I've always been pretty good at dissecting my feelings and reactions, so I am sure it is just a matter of time before it sorts itself out. I won't rush it. But for now, I get the sense that it comes from the suppression of potential. Whatever that means...

We love you. It's just that, you can be very willful.

Huh. Well if that seems to be a problem, it certainly isn't mine.

I'd like to blog about how much I am loved and how much I love, but I am too tired. :)

There's a fine line between faith and irresponsibility. But things like my heart and thoughts are slippery fish that just won't keep in my grasp. So they slip up and up and out and on which side of the line they fall on, I can never tell!

It did dawn on me today, however, that what I do need is conviction. Mel once asked me where my integrity was, not in the sense that I was a bad unscrupulous person, but that I don't quite keep together. I'm still trying to figure out if this is something that I need to counter, or simply use to my advantage. I'm thinking I need a little of both. 

But what this all leads to, is the need for a little space and time to breathe and slow down. 

Damn you, uterus, you are water to my emotional gremlin.

Speech to the Young : Speech to the Progress-Toward 

by Gwendolyn Brooks (1917-2000)

Say to them,
say to the down-keepers,
the sun-slappers,
the self-soilers,
the harmony-hushers,
"even if you are not ready for day
it cannot always be night."
You will be right.
For that is the hard home-run.

Live not for battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
Live in the along.

---------------------------------------------------

Alright, moving right along now, into 2010! It is going to be bright!

I wonder if this is true of myself: That while I am very capable and effective in whatever situation I find myself in, I do not have much of an impetus to move into a new situation on my own accord. So while I no problem effectively using the tools around me, and to help shape contexts and create new things, I need someone or something to bring me to a place where I can be most effective. I just won't walk there on my own accord.

Perhaps this is part of my water personality, that I take the shape of the bowl that contains me, and that I need a channel for direction and purpose. In other words, I need to choose my bowl and channel wisely.

So UBC didn't give me what I wanted in the end. But a good explanation and clarity (as well rearranging my time table) gave me great peace.

Is this growth?

The last of Jerkface 

While IL was sipping his cup of ginger tea and espousing on learning inner strength and security, it dawned on me what my problem really was: That a part of me still seeks to win JF's approval and love. Something that never did, and can never happen. Thus every rejection, disappointment, or sign of disapproval is, in my mind, an extension of the horrible state of things that existed in early 2009.

Now, in perspective, the 5 months are but a blimp in my lifetime and hence should not have that much of an impact on my life. However, I think it is more of the failed expectations, the wasted energy and emotion and the sense of incompleteness that have left it's mark on my dealing with relationships. 

I think what is so damaging about translating every negative vibe today into yesterday's negativity is the nature of JF's rejection and disapproval: It was complete, concrete and insurmountable. It was a rejection that was unqualified, uncompromising and refused all negotiation. In other words, it left me trapped, helpless and powerless. Now to see every subsequent negative vibe/rejection in a similar light, or as coming from the same source, is to see every such rejection as final and damning. And this is not true. It is unfair to the relationships that I have developed, it is unfair to the people who love me and whom I love. It creates disproportional reactions within me and stunts my ability to engage in healthy discussion and relationships.

Nonetheless, it was incredibly refreshing to be able to put a name on my insecurities and to understand how and why they come about. This isn't about being angry anymore, or about seeking revenge or anything of that petty sort. It's about being strong and about being happy and about making sure that what happens is for the best, because it is. I mean it when I say that I am no longer angry and that forgiveness is final, and really, all that's left is allowing all this to fade away into nothingness by the process of displacement. I am just glad that I now have a clearer picture of what actually needs to be displaced.

IL is right, it takes strength to be happy. And I always did believe that JF was never a bad man, or a monster, he was just incredibly brilliant and weak. Finally, I am learning that it's not so much that I never had him and his approval or love, but that it's that he doesn't have mine. After all, I am only responsible for, and can really only live out, my single story.

I am so excited about the future!

Dear Ivan,

You have been an unmeasurable source of strength, inspiration and truth. Your kind words spring forth from a space of great power, and indeed it is only a matter of time before greatness is yours and you grace the cover of Time, FT, Forbes and the likes. Thank you for sharing, and allowing me to share, for being the medium of great epiphanies and conclusions, and for affirming my worth. Most heartening, is seeing your passion for God and for goodness lived out, in difficult circumstances. You are right, it take strength to be happy.

Happy birthday!

Hannah

I looked at myself in the mirror today, and decided that I really like the way I look.

Just. As. I. Am.

Don't hide. SHOW YOURSELF!

I dare you!

So I'll forgive what you have done
No, you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired I mean eventually
And there's nothing left to do but sleep


I will be pure,
No, no, I know I will be pure.
Like snow- like gold-
like snow- like gold--

[No lies, just love - Bright Eyes]

Dear university: Just give me what I want, and no one gets hurt.

Trust.

Don't worry, you don't have to drag it out from me. I'm not a tepid well with a rickety bucket reluctantly giving up my darkish water. I am a joyful geyser! Just don't be a douche.

Thoughts for today:

Grace. Weakness. Unconditional love. Home. Returning. Cynicism. Compassion. Destiny. Fear. Mediocrity. Love. Loneliness. Reaching out. Holding back. Crazy. Calm. Realism. Confidence. Strength. Greatness. Contempt. Fulfillment. Creation. Expectations. Fairness. Depression. Bonhoeffer. Attraction. Limits. Obedience. Resistance.

~ You know like... you know all those books I have that I don't let you read? 

~ Yeah?

~  It's all just all these love poems that are about you.  

[post secret video]

Tonight there were brights stars in the sky and laughter and all was right with the world. It was a prophecy.

So I will probably get my full student loan, and I found out that my professor was in Asia this whole time. Life is suddenly perfect again, minus the lack of grant money.

How is it that I am SO susceptible to external occurrences? Must change.

~Do you think I'm crazy? 

~Not more then usual. 

Does this mean that I am loved and accepted, and that you can handle this?

I know it's silly to get stressed up over the small things, to obsess over that little flint of gravel you meet on the journey instead of focusing on the road itself. Just that, these pieces get stuck in my shoe.

I need funding for this next semester in Singapore. This Lee Foundation award thing isn't pulling through. I can't apply for Go Global awards as I want to do this self-directed course with UBC.

And on that note, I need ITG to be my supervisor for this self-directed course I need in order to do the courses I want to do here, and to do French. He's not responding to my emails.

And finally, when you're so far away, how do I sense that this is worth as much as I had anticipated? I feel like ducking under the covers of a horoscope book and tearing it all up for fear of the inevitable failure that this could all be.

I'm guessing this is what my mother meant by me relying too much on myself and not on God (huh?). That's probably true but as always, I've learnt to peel off the truth from words and I've come to the conclusion that -- 

NWT: Alcohol is like sex butter porn bacon and revenge - there is no such thing as enough.

HLJY: Revenge. You definitely can have enough of revenge.

NWT: That means you have not had your revenge yet.

"And I tell you, the other colleagues who did not have to go to that Women's Empowerment Workshop had to go to a how-to-give-handjobs workshop. So much more practical. And the rest were taught how to draw their vulvas."

~ Overheard at Book Cafe

Also, beautiful proved to me that I was dumber then a cell phone made by a finnish guy. I do wish I could spell. 

quiet.

Why can't I care???

So I just got back from Israel, and there is nothing much to say.

H: Pray that I ------
D: I don't do that shit, Hannah.

Yeah, I don't do crack no more either. So what's left?

Is it ironic when people say: Wait did you just mean that in a non-ironic way? When it probably wasn't irony the other party was missing, but sarcasm instead?

Damn you Alanis for screwing me over.

Not to be dramatic...

Take my love, but not my ability to love again. Indeed, it would be a shame to lose it all to fear. I remember Seth telling me once, that if fear is the only thing that is stopping you from doing something, do it. So yes, I will bungee jump one day.

But on that note, fear is probably an indicator of other things to worry about and I'm learning that having an identity that has been constructed and reconstructed by different hands means fissures and cracks. But with that comes a beautiful terrain.

So teach me again, in all things, grace. 

Stopped in mid-track faced with something I completely fail to understand. 

Left with nothing but to be patient, with the impossible task of replacing a patronizing nod with true grace.

Beautiful was right, it is a sad day when the tables turn and we become the upholders and protectors, if only because now we can. I guess in that light, it becomes so much easier.

MS  :  i heard a rumor that you wanna fight me. ill fight ya. bring it on

HL  :  YAH WELL IT"S ON BUDDY. IMMA TAKE YOU ON AND TAKE YOU DOWN

MS  :  just try

HL  :  I won't try. I WILL

MS  :  im gonna send you a package and youll be like: oh, how nice, and when you open the box a knock out punch will fly at you from thebox

HL  :  OH YEAH I WILL SEND YOU YOUR OWN SEVERED HAND IN THE BOX. WHEN YOU RECEIVE IT YOU"LL BE OH HOW NICE BUT THEN YOU WON"T BE ABLE TO OPEN IT COS YOU HAVE NO HAND.

-----------------------

The best things come from the worst disasters, indeed!

I think men who are violent and emotionally abusive should be hung drawn and quartered.

Also, I've made a decision. Thank you, beautiful.

"But you children of space, you restless in rest, you shall not be trapped nor tamed. Your house (read citizenship) shall be not an anchor but a mast. It shall not be a glistening film that covers a wound but an eyelid that guards the eye. You shall not fold your wings that you may pass through doors, nor bend your heads that they strike not against a ceiling, nor fear to breathe lest walls should crack and fall down. you shall not dwell in tombs made by the dead for the living. And though of magnificence and splendour, your house shall not hold your secret nor shelter your longing. For that which is boundless in you abides in the mansion of the sky, whose door is the morning mist, and whose windows are the songs and the silences of night"

~ The Prophet.

In other words, take me anywhere, and I will make it good.

Sick day = me working at home in my garden with soup and chrysanthemum tea and honey with lemon.

Feeling bad has never felt so good!

Somewhere Alfie cries and says, enjoy his every smile you can see in the dark.

I understand that I hold gold dust in my hands.

OH NOOOEEEESSSSS!!!!!!

i i iz sick.

bleh.

That the apology was accepted a long time ago is of no relevance whatsoever in the light of where I am right now.

So don't worry about it. No bad blood or anger.

But don't come around anymore because I am absent.

You make your peace up as you go along. Changing names and changing games. Let's just hope that at the end of the day....

nah it's all gonna be just great!

There is only so much that I can take.

And I know my banner is out. Will try to fix.

JP: Did you know that you can rent designer handbags?
H: ...What?
JP: Did you know that you can rent designer handbags?
H: ...What?
JP: Did you know that you can rent designer handbags?
H: ...What?

I don't know how to say this, but I am so excited about the rest of my life.

The only thing left from the past is a giggle of embarrassment.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??

Every morning is a breath of fresh air with the realization that at once, it is all about, while having nothing to do with, me.

I have reached the nirvana of identity politics.

In retrospect, fear is a gift too. Use it wisely and be grateful for its time as a friend.

Today is give-a-total-stranger-a-compliment day, in a bid to re-learn the giving of myself freely without expectation or fear of hurt. Really, there's no need to be so selfish with my love.

On a separate note, I am learning that the last thing I should fear is myself. If I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am going to roll with it.

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.

~ Dorothy Thompson.

This is why I love my legal education:

The MEATLOAF test.

Because I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE, BUT I WON'T DO THAT which does not fulfill the following criteria.

1. Measure taken must be invited by the other party (Consent)
2. Measure taken must be reciprocated (Consideration)
3. Measure taken must be reasonable and proportionate to the expected outcome (Balancing test)

There is a context to this I swear.

Do you see love waiting under the wizened boughs?
Patient and transparent as the sky is, out on the plains.
Do not be deceived by her gentle face, for her hands are pierced with battle.


And Her final cry will carry me through the seasons.

~redeemed since 23/3/09

Today, we sat on the grassy patch and argued about whether or not the grass was real or plastic. We pulled bits out of the earth and, in front of the other passers-by, chewed on them to determine if it tasted of plastic or plant.

Like cows.

:)

Note to self: Breathe. Be reasonable. And never over-react or over-compensate.

I am learning to let it all wash over me, learning not to react because reactions are always generally unfair and unreasonable. Similarly, there is always the advantage of being the first mover.

Good Lord, I just woke up and am again reminded about how giddy the nights can be.

I guess the love I sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist.

You're so very powerful

Simply put: Loving completely entails letting go. To possess, and to be possessed, while being completely free. It is here where fragility and strength come together as two faces of the same coin.

And while brushing my teeth, I felt a little pleased at the idea that I was starting to formulate decisions and processes that I am comfortable with. It's like a breath of fresh air after the anxiety lifts. As I told my brother, you have to follow your gut feeling, because if you don't, you'd never be fully confident of what you're doing. And confidence is half the battle. Even if it takes time to get to the point where you know for certain where you stand, when you're finally right enough to lift your feet to dance, it will be in time with the music. And that is all anyone can ever ask for.

Having figured out then where I need to be, I just need to figure out what I need to do to get there. Having uncovered direction, I can focus on perseverance with the full weight of my world behind it.

Today I felt renewed. Like reassuring arms around me, I feel the world slowly making sense. Or, to be more accurate, we met halfway. It was fascinating testing the waters again, after being left high and dry for a bit.

What's important now, I think is learning to contextualize things. Learning that while my theories, ideals and concepts work very well on paper, when concept and reality meet, concept gives way. So, I guess I need to learn flexibility, courage and conviction. Then hopefully, I won't go crazy.

When you gonna make up your mind?



When you gonna love you as much as I do?

Safety zone please!

Tightly wound.

... and I realise that it wasn't that bad!

Hannah, it was really bad.

Well, I'm not slitting my wrists or anything

No, that would be way too bad. 
But it was still really bad.
Look at you...

[~LKK]

I think I might have over-estimated myself.

Oh hai! I remember this!

It dawned upon me that maybe I might be able to give myself some slack.

"Just learn how to drive in Canada, it's so easy there! Learn auto!"
"But I want to learn Manual!"
"Um... let's be realistic here. Ok, Hannah?"

~ Luke, kor kor.
After lunch, and ice-cream and so much more.

As I told my brother: Do what gives you peace.

D once told me that love songs made sense to him. I still think they're fucking scary.
On another note, talking through to the issues of another always helps to clarify my own in my mind.

1. As with all situations it takes two to clap. And each hand will have its conditions, limits and expectations. But instead of anticipating and manipulating the other, how about sorting out my hand? To know my strengths and weaknesses, along with when and how to deal them out. I cannot look to the other to fix this game of bridge if I can't get the picture straight in my head. My picture. Only then can I even begin to think about a round of applause. 

2. Even if I do, and can trust another. What is my motivation for doing so, and is it healthy? I feel like I should think along the lines of institutional frameworks and safeguards. Like, what happens when the virtuous leader dies?

Do I make sense?

No lies. 
Just love. 

I forgive what you have done, No, I can't stay mad at the setting sun. Cause we all get tired, I mean, eventually and there's nothing left to do but sleep.

I know I will be pure.
Like snow- like gold.

[No Lies, Just Love ~ Bright Eyes]

A little stronger today.

Blessing are affected by, but are not a result of, consequences.

Luckily.

But then it is time again to ask: What is pleasing and what is right?

I needed the symphony this evening, to collect the days past in a contained wrap of red, black and gold, to be tossed around by the music. And somewhere between the violins and harpsichord, I was reminded again that what I have to say for myself, about myself, is pretty damn valid.

Waking up after a baptism of some sorts, it was as if someone had hit reset somewhere and I had risen from the water, a blank, cream-coloured canvas. Bursting with potential, I would gladly be anything, shaped elegantly into art. But more surprising was the fire - a quiet understanding and confidence hardening into a solid wisdom and strength.

This is what they call inspiration. And it doesn't always come from within.

I hit a rock wall (or more like, it hit me) and then nothing made sense.

Why do you like it? It makes no sense. 

Because it's pretty...

[Conversation at SAM]

Point taken? Yes, if I could take it, and sweep it under the rug for later.

Would've be anytime now. Hope you're safe. Am with you in my thoughts.

Simple and insensitive. All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter. I've always been too quick to, as an eager constructivist would be, to find building material in the words of others. Forgetting that we all create these ideas out of the same dust. I must train myself to recognize that my words and my stories can be as powerful and as valid as the next, balancing with wisdom and grace. First step: It is empowering to be here alone, with all the time in the world, no one to answer to, or to look out for, to nurture a double , balanced respect for myself and for the people around me.

When will I learn that it works both ways?

Let it not be said that I didn't do it out of love.

I was gonna blog about Compassion and Fairness in friendships. But I am too sleepy.

In all, I am happy.

I've decided to go to Europe and to make it part of my life.

:)

OH BUT I LOVE YOU!!!!

Hey Mr. Golden deal, how does she feel?

Remove from List

And I'm alright, standing in the streetlights here. Is this meant for me? My time on the outside is over. We don't know how you're spending all of your days, knowing that love isn't here. You see the pictures but you don't know their names 'cause love isn't here. No sympathy, when shouting out is all you know. Behind your lies, I can see the secrets you don't show. You take the best things from me, then everything gets empty. That's not a world that I need. And I can't do this by myself. All of these problems, they're all in your head. And I can't be somebody else. You took something perfect and painted it red.

Red :: Daniel Maerriweather

There's nothing like fresh lemons, wild Australian honey, papayas, mooncakes and homecooked food while you read. Read. read. How did life get so perfect?

Squeeze.

When the dark black liquid in my cup stops spilling out and splashing around, it slowly stills and quietens until even the gentlest ripple is smoothed out. Then, I can see the reflection of the bright white moon.

In love with the Ghost.

It's not as if the bowl of mess eventually dries up or evapourates over time. One just learns to clam down so that it doesn't tip over anymore, leaving a trailing mess all over the carpet. It is very pleasant, actually to recognize and embrace the solitary nature of... all this. I feel like it's a dull, quiet, black mass sitting at the bottom of my bowl-shaped heart, going nowhere, and calling out for none. The only irritating thing is that it does take up a little space, leaving less room. 

I guess my point (at the risk of sounding 16) is that you're strong enough to walk this on your own, especially when you feel like no one understands. Because, truth is, they can only be there with and for you, but they will never be you. This is empowering.

I don't like to talk about the things that I know will make you angry, because it makes me sad to see you experience non-happy feelings, at my expense and on my behalf. But I know that means that I hide  away a little, and you'd want that less.

Damn.

Dear neighbour who scrubs clothes early in the morning thus waking everyone up. I hate you.

And it's time that I love.

I talked a little about pain the last time, about looking out for its sources, its purpose and its innate solution. As "Within the infant rind of this small flower/ Poison hath residence, and medicine power... Two such opposed kings encamp them still..." etc etc etc. Today I thought about strength and its different kinds and how it can (and has) evolve(d) within me. To cut a long story short, I thought about the kind of strength I wanted - it is young, it is brave, it is just and, most importantly, it springs from an abundance of joy. It isn't a strength that shields me from the weight of days long past, but one that redeems it. One that turns a cringe to a solemn nod and grave embrace. I want to walk back into the dark rooms and hallways and not have to seek to close the doors. I want, instead, to love. And from that, be truly free to face everything that ever happened and that ever will with all that I am meant to be. 

I think, the fact that I can sort of articulate this, is a little taste of it all. As my TV told me this evening: There is one way to honour a life - forgive yourself.

And they all pretend they're orphans and their memory's like a train, 

You can see it getting smaller as it pulls away. 

And the things you can't remember tell the things you can't forge

That history puts a saint in every dream. 

Well she said she'd stick around until the bandages came off 

But these mamas boys just don't know when to quit. 

And Mathilda asks the sailors "are those dreams or are those prayers?" 

So close your eyes, son, and this wont hurt a bit.

Time :: Tom Waits

I suspect, with the purchase of tinted lip balm, I might be morphing into a girl.

Perhaps a Lady K should write this story.

These are the days of roses, of poetry and prose. 

"of course you do..you care about everythign! -g"

It's nice to be known, and to know that no matter where I turn, there will be a heart who knows and loves me.

But of course, at the same time, I'm trying to go a little easier on myself. 

PMSy. Do you think I care?

The sun's not yellow, it's chicken.

I remember thinking to myself that here was a life I just did not want to have, some by circumstance but most by the work of one's own hands and heart. And I figured, why should I take their word seriously? I still did, and that was my mistake. 

James 3:

¹³Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. ¹⁴But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. ¹⁵Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. ¹⁶For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 

 ¹⁷But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. ¹⁸Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

Blessings aren't just for the ones who kneel, luckily.

Sailing, buffets at the fullerton, dresses. I sure know how to live it up.

Confident - Transparent - Tolerant

murr..

I know why I'm here. It was never for productivity or about getting the job done. It was about my smile and the comfort I represent.


Sure, why not?

Thank you for keeping your phone on every night even though you know it won't ring.

Backlogged brain blog from Bintan's business:

"Ok Daniel, you give the local opinion of what you think of the project space, and Hannah you tell me the North American and Angmoh opinion"


"I am NOT so far removed from Singapore that I'm not local, okay??"


"You came on this trip with a BIKINI and a SARONG. How else do you expect us to take you?"

And for the rest of you, thanks for loving me! OkILoveYouByeBye!

Even the best fall down sometimes.

It's been, what, three years? And I still think about you. Not that often, but since we recorded that song together and you gave me courage in my voice, I think you'll stay.

IL told me that, sometimes (more likely, usually), forgiveness is not a one-off thing but a daily decision to be wrestled with. I'm tired and stressed with work and life and a little high-strung off tea and COGS law, I don't have energy to ignore the creeping vulnerability.

Hey, do you want me to buy for you dinner? :)

Screw that, let's go out to eat!

:)

I now go through the wonder and perfection of my days a little afraid that they will be taken away from me.

² And I declared that the dead,
       who had already died,
       are happier than the living,
       who are still alive.
 ³ But better than both
       is he who has not yet been,
       who has not seen the evil
       that is done under the sun.
~ Ecc. 4

Today, everything fell into place again.

Fragile when tired.

My eyes are a baptism. Oh I am filth. And sing her into my thighs, oh phantom elusive thing. One that can never be known, either all drunk with the world at her feet or sober with no place to go. We could go, we can travel round fading farther from me, with your face in my window call. When will you weep for me, sweet willow? It's ok to be angry but not to hurt me. Your happiness, yes, yes, yes... darling, darling...

All flowers in time bend towards the sun. I know you say that there's no-one for you but here is one. 

~ Jeff Buckley

Back from Bintan, baby!

I was taking a shower the other day and thought to myself: how wonderful it is to be perpetually tan, to glow gold and bright and to feel the heat of the sun washing your skin way after dark. I know, this is called cancer. But I love the tan-lines that trace around my body, a stark reminder of how alive I am.

And when I am in the wind, by water that defines turquoise, and sand so fine and fair that it threatens to swallow you whole, I want time to stop.

I owe him a lot, so this has got to be good.
Also, I am glad that I am learning not to listen to myself at night.
Seriously, Hannah, what were you thinking?

So you see, there's a reason why you cave and crack and give in to these things and call them good. It's because you're empty, and it's difficult staying that way.

I love Momo from Questionable Content! I also like Momos from Tibet!

Dan Bern - Chelsea Hotel

I still smell tobacco on my fingers
My breath reeks of pot and wine and sex
My eyes open up like they haven’t in years
So I won’t miss whatever happens next
You call me a thief
All right, I'm a thief
Grab a summons
Come and ring my bell
I’ll be making love with my baby
In the Chelsea Hotel

I told you to meet me at eight o’clock
I said I’ll be drinking at the bar
I drove between Newark and Laguardia
Trying to return a rented car
We keep missing connections today
But tomorrow would be just as well
I gotta go make love with my baby
In the Chelsea Hotel

I’ve been walking all around your neighborhood
My former love
You seem as far away and as sad to me
As those rain clouds above
I hope you’re happy and whatever you're doing
I hope you're doing well
And please don’t try to contact me
At the Chelsea Hotel

I was starting to think
The world was going to end when the calendar turns
But now you’re here
I see the future, baby
And they can let the calendar burn

New love is beautiful
But new love is sad
New love brings back all the old loves
That you’ve ever had
I put out a casting call
And you cast a spell
And we’re practicing for the millennium
Making love at the Chelsea Hotel

So who knows what tomorrow brings
But I know where I’ll be waking up
Let’s just listen to our breath tonight
And the breeze through the window that you opened up
Can you feel our hearts beating
Which one's yours
Which one's mine
Y' can't tell
Just another day of making love
At the Chelsea Hotel
Spent all day making love
At the Chelsea Hotel

I hate missing class. I can't decide if it's kiasu-ness or my asian guilt that brings this on. I guess the idea that I'm missing out on something good even though the fact that 2 hours of sleep would = counterproductive. Also, I skipped a gazillion classes last sem, and still did well. THERE ISN'T EVEN AN EXAM!

Oh well, it's a pretty late morning here at Sembawang, and it's just about starting to rain.

I'll settle with that we all tried. Doesn't mean I'm willing to try again.

I'd really like to see where this goes.

I suspect that being hooked on Meatloaf - I Would Do Anything for Love - isn't a good sign at all.

Meat Loaf : I'd Do Anything For Love
Uploaded by IRONMADMAN. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

I am a little annoyed that I got out of bed to write this.

AL and I talked a little about being idealists, romantics or whatever. And of how experiences nail such oft lofty thinkers to the ground (ala How-do-you-solve-a-problem-like-Maria style). I guess I do take back a little of what I said in that it is true that my social patterns have shifted a little (since the fall), but not by much. I think what I'm trying to get at here (at 1 in the morning) is that yes, I've spent most of my life holding onto idealist beliefs about how I ought to interact with people and about what kind of society and community I want to have and how I might contribute to that. But as time went by and things happened, I realized that I just don't have the energy to do all that and when push comes to shove, I just can't.

That being said though, I think I've found a new way of expressing strength (whatever little is left or that actually exists): Raw being. I don't need to rationalize, excuse, exaggerate or diminish anything. Or put up a wall, trivialize the moment, or derail conversations. And here is my strength in that I will let you see me here. Because I am worth that much and so are you. I am learning, learning, learning to be honest and to be vulnerable - even apart from my theories and into the reality that we make for ourselves.

Remember that talk we had, by the Tadlo falls in Lao, Thi? How we talked about the values we wanted to express in our lives? I said that I wanted all things from me to stem from Truth and Love and you wished to live through Strength and Honour. And I, being ever so obsessed with reconciliation, decided that Strength and Honour must be directed by Truth and Love, and Truth and Love, without Strength and Honour, cannot be expressed and will therefore come to nothing on their own. Sometimes I look back at wonderment at those days when all the worlds problems could be solved by a bottle of cheap beer, quiet waters and moonlight and I pray that I haven't yet failed them in the wake of these complexities. I don't think I have,and it is very exciting to see how, even in difficult times, my idealistic theories, passions and beliefs don't have to give way in substance and only, if at all, in form.

What happens when ideals DO get translated into reality? What are they called then?

ps: Thanks IL and Shubs for giving me the space to just be. And for even calling me out on dark moments, seeing completely past the fragile shells and into the meat of things. And more importantly, thank you for loving me even when you see me. Love never fails.

It's true right? That love never fails? That love heals all things?

I've come to the conclusion that anger is a defense mechanism. Quite like shame. It distracts the feeler from the true extent of their loss. It's going to be ok and it will even be fun, but I now know what I am responsible for: only my anger and my loss. As much as it sucks, I'm not big enough to deal with everyone's anger, shame and loss. So forgive me if I can't walk with you the way I'd have wanted to, I'm just working out my own left from my right and that's about as much as I can handle.

Goodnight world... I'll see you in the morning.

Congratulations J & J. Many blessings to come. :)

Also, it's very refreshing to know that I have all the time in the world. And as Faifo says (in his capacity as my brother's PA): all your problems will go away, in time. In conclusion, that leaves you free to really build and be happy, one beautiful day at a time.

It's all love, all love.

I CAN HAZ PART-TIME APEC JOB? YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!

After 6 years of politicizing my identity, I find myself in PP5252: Ethnic Politics and Governance in Asia. I am BORED. Not for want of content in the class, it really is awesome and the LKY school lives up to its name. But I am sian for having whipped this dead horse one too many times. I don't care anymore if my identity is primodial or circumstantial or constructed, I have better things to do: like, say, laugh, and go visit museums and have coffees and cocktails.

When I start to get nervous about something, it's an indicator that it should happen. My stomach is like the gopher of life-choices.

Also, they call the Dean's office here the "Deanery". Isn't that cute or what!

Fiona Apple joins me on my morning transit, and I think about how I'd trust you because I identify with anger, betrayal and loss. Maybe.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I guess?

Through the course of the conversations I've been having, I've come to the conclusion that it's not so much "moving on" (in all its fictional forgetfulness) as it is a question of whether you are ready to be hurt again. Kinda like lowering barriers to trade...

As regards to you, please surround yourself with people who will love your soul more than an ideal. Its a fallen world, we all make mistakes, and hence all the more we should love and support one another. (unfortunately, the Nobel Peace Prize is not won on the back of musings).

~ IL

Life really doesn't get any better then this.
I can't begin to express how happy and complete I am.

"In Christ Alone" resonated with me today during worship, and I realised that the act of surrender to faith can be done in either weakness or strength, or both. Like struggling with the child-adult, fear-goodness dichotomies in one's motives to act (as I have been faced with over the past few months), approaching my faith in the context of reality and my personal growth takes on new shades and perspectives. And here I discovered a new depth of truth when it came to being, simply, a christian: That when I am willing not only to recognize my weaknesses, but even to abandon my strengths, and to count my gains as losses, to be emptied and poured out as a living offering that I can really overcome.

Overcome.

I've spent plenty of time both in and out of the church, both of which aren't the point. I remember being told, over and over again (and especially at the beginning of this year) about the weakness that is faith. Of the desperation, fear, and dread of the unknown and of futility that drags one into servile belief of, well, God. I can't speak for the ones who said these things to me, only that I don't see the freedom they talk about, and that I'm happy being here instead of there.

If, as I have seen in myself, the self is one's greatest enemy and barrier to freedom and success, there is no greater gift then that of grace: to be free of yourself and to really move toward something bigger then the sum of us. I don't really want to cling on to myself, I really don't have much to offer as it is.

But that being said, ironically, it's great coming back to myself. It's part of this whole moving on, giving myself up process.

In Christ alone will I glory, though I could pride myself In battles won. For I've been blessed beyond measure, and by His strength alone, I overcome. I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands. But these trophies could not equal to the grace, by which I stand. In Christ alone will I glory, for only by His grace I am redeemed. And only His tender mercy could reach beyond my weakness to my need. Now I seek no greater honor than just to know Him more, and to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord.


In Christ alone I place my trust and find my glory in the power of the cross. In every victory let it be said of me: My source of strength, my source of hope is Christ alone.

TWO WORDS WAKE BOARDING MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!

Riding early in the morning, with friends, music, and beer. Remembering the healing taste of salt and the twinkle of the sun on the sea.

Back in my element.

When your biggest problem in life is finding time to swim and fixing the spam problem on MSN, you know your life is pretty damn sweet.

On a not-so-separate note, I found this particularly hilarious




"You know what really helps an existential crisis? Wondering how much shelf space to leave for a Terry Pratchett collection."

Not-so-separate in ways I can't quite articulate!

Chat me up will ya?

Martin: Yeah, cool that you got a scholarship, now you can eat ALL the time. Not just every 2 hours

Vienna and Montreal is calling me!

It was a delightful moment to realize that I can read about their joy and be happy and tender. And then I wanted to say that it probably was the same, but so many other things matter that really, you can't fight your battles on the faith of one element alone. Trust that there are others, and the grace of God, to battle them with you.

:)

Feeling at night is like walking through a dark forest.

We talked a little about being extreme and walking fine lines, about trading one for another, dichotomies and the failure of reality to conform! Maybe it's my fault for trying to relate everything to my life, as if the incidents that wash over me are the sum of all existence, but I just don't quite understand. That's ok right?

I got excited when A talked about the schism between thought and action. Falls in very neatly with the themes of technicality, creation and appropriate expression that I have been dwelling on of late, the transformation of a thought into an action. But is the solution really compromise instead of conviction? Perhaps conviction incorporates balance and compromise as a tool instead of master. Balance, compromise and fine lines speak not to what is good (as definition) but rather they point to how to be good (as means). And while actions speak louder then words., the same action might could say any number of things depending on your choice of tools and how you use these tools.

It's just that some situations have no fine lines for you to walk on and you must land on one side or the other. Maybe one day I'll shake off dust from the fallout fully and I won't be consumed with the fingerprints left behind. But for now here's what I've ended up with: It's not about fine lines so much as it is simply knowing where you stand, and working your way there, with full consideration for all parties involved. Because relationships and people really are the only things that matter. And because they alone matter, they deserve goodness, in all its forms. Part of this journey also means having the flexibility (ie grace) to develop and transform with time, space and experience.

So choose wisely and walk with conviction, because it's all I have, or at least, it shields me from the glare of my failings. I have lost some fortitude, but this doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Alright, you got me... but I still have spark in me yet.

It must be the 2 cups of teh peng but I've been bouncing off the walls all day.

Walking down the hill in the darkness, I observed how the spots in the pavement were made by the countless tiny leaves that had fallen uncontrollably upon the wet cement. So pretty. I knew what tree it was by looking at the cement below, and I felt like I was in some sort of Plato's cave since after a day of running around, reading and class, I was too tired to look up and was content instead to observe the pavement.

Walking up the hill before classes, I thought about the idea of holiness and love as presented by CS Lewis in "Till We Have Faces". The idea of holiness as dark and horrible and love as dangerous, deadly and consuming. Can't have it both ways now can we? Of course, this was all enhanced by Sufjan Steven's Seven Swans.



He will take you. If you run,
He will chase you.
He will take you. If you run,
He will chase you
'cause He is the Lord.

In other news, I am absolutely stoked about school. About learning new things, about being challenged and stretched and taught and pushed to greater heights. It's going to be good, I can feel it in my bones. And I am going love, rabidly.

The song, not the video.

Tiredness always weakens me beyond what is reasonable. Fears, guilt and insecurity come creeping in. I can't listen to Beautiful Child right now and will wait till the morning to reorganize my thought drawer. "It's not about being fair, it's about being compassionate." Where does one stop and the other begin?

I just deleted my tracker so I wouldn't feel inclined to write to any specific audience. I am serious about moving on and letting go completely. Good bye, forever.

Again, there is a time for everything, no?

I have to say I am a little disappointed in myself, in how I've conducted myself in this time. I guess even while I rage, I ought not to stoop. It is tempting I guess but it is only detrimental to me. Ok, I've worked this out step by step and here's the next. To stop blogging about this at all.

The problem with arguing with an 11-year-old is that you never win, and you start to sound like one yourself.

Ok. I get that I'm walking in circles that don't exist. Thanks.

.... and on a completely unrelated note, I revel in the wonderfully feeling that is being loved, being cared for and provided for in every sense of the word. I am grateful for the little things that fall into place, for having my courses settled, having clean water and cold showers, a little excitement, a little cash and a flea market tomorrow. Good food, good friends, good family and a good future.

"pretty, poignant, clever, lah. kind of like someone else we know."
5/7/09

You do not, after all that has happened, show up to say shit like that. You might as well eat your own excrement, and take that as the physical manifestation of eating your words - every empty, meaningless, worthless one.

Needless to say I am a little angry today. Unfortunate, as it shows that I am a little off the end goal of having him not matter. Incidents will always hold significance of course, as they are the experiences that sum up our existence. But the people behind the experiences do not have to matter - and eventually, this one will not. I look forward to the day when there is no more anger, no more sadness, no more fear ... simply nothing. When I can look into his face and not sense a thing, as if he were merely a cup, a bowl, or something else inanimate and dispensable. I doubt that will ever happen of course, at least, I hope I never have the chance to figure out how far I've come and that I'll even forget I had such a goal.

But of course I have to turn everything into a spiritual / academic exercise and will agonize over the theology of it all. Thankfully, the distance that every day brings offers a little more perspective and clarity and for now, this is where I stand, more or less: I will wish him the best in life and love and will, with God's grace, do so willingly and with joy, as I do not wish anyone to suffer. But I will not concern myself with the specifics that is him, or care for who/what/how he is. Jesus loves him, but I am sure as hell not Jesus. I feel like Jesus died so that I am not responsible for such failings.

"I've lost all respect for him."

"Hannah! I am proud of you!
You said that a lot last month,
but I didn't believe that you really felt it.
But now I do.
And I think, it takes a lot to lose respect such as yours."

I haven't talked in a while, so I can't quite gauge the extent of my/its development. T'will be interesting.

I thought I told you to leave me alone.
There's no space or time to waste anymore, on all that has failed.

Nothing personal. Because, from experience, nothing ever was.

Teach me to do more then just love.

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What does the worker gain from his toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on men. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

------------------

So why need we be afraid? Time heals all things, if not, it erodes that which needed healing in the first place.

~ AL

Confidence turned into intrigue, which turned into friendliness, which in turn transformed into openness, but later weariness and discomfort at residual arrogance. This arrogance later transmuted into a soft cry for attention. I'm also not entirely sure that all this occurred in a linear fashion in so much as they shifted with the shifting of my moods and lenses. I am wondering now then, how to do justice to all parties invovled. How far should I understand that a snub is really insecurity in velvet while maintaining a decent level of respect? Perhaps it just boils down to minding my own emotional and psychological business.

He once said that I ought to be ashamed for riding through life on my smile and sweetness. Emphasis on shame (I soon forgot to smile and that life was sweet). I took the point and a little more, for I discovered that it is the same crime to bludgeon through life, blind, wielding the scars and insecurities with little grace. So I came to the conclusion (and boy do I love conclusions! Temporary as they may be) that I must now learn to be firm, be precise, be good both in person and in work, be confident and productive, without losing either smile or scar - for we are the sum of our experiences.

If the story's written on my face, does it show:
Am I strong enough to walk on water?
Smart enough to come in out of the rain?
Or am I a fool going where the wind blows?
~ Goin' Where the Wind Blows :: Mr. Big (Concert Oct 12th!)

You look like a child!
~ Kind senior student from the LKYSPP.

If I had a penny for every expression of shock that came my way upon revelation of my age... But it is a time to think about growth, I guess. It's a new chapter for me, in more ways then one and I feel like I have been, or am being, reborn into a new state, and with it comes a different way of engaging the world and the people around me. It dawned upon me today that I have reached a point where I have gathered enough potential. I am pleased with my thoughts and the analytical patterns that come with it. They have served me well in dealing with personal ideas of truth, goodness and development.

Now it's time to tune up my technicalities. If you can't articulate your thoughts, as far as I am concerned, you have no thoughts. I think I've spent enough time doing the inward bits and I'd like to work on actually building things. Not to mean something to people, as might previously have been the case, but as a result of the out pouring of the spirit. Just do what you do, and build your peace.

That's because he knows you're easy!

~ CK. Because Lightning the dog wouldn't stop staring at me and my food with puppy dog eyes.

I had an epiphany the other day that really helped in a few ways, but for the life of me I can't remember exactly what it was. It had to do with reconciling expectations, personal standards and individual circumstance, I think. Or perhaps it had something to do with understanding when my role in the story stopped and when my own story continued seperately. Or about not having either power or responsibility (a la Dogville) and that is freedom. It just fascinates me how what sparked off in my mind swiftly dissolved into my spirit and worked despite there being scant traces left for memory.

And in the quiet moments:



I am not learning how to play this song because it is always meant to be told to me. For the rest of my life.

"The Forgotten Dialect Of The Heart" by Jack Gilbert

How astonishing it is that language can almost mean,
and frightening that it does not quite. Love, we say,
God, we say, Rome and Michiko, we write, and the words
get it all wrong. We say bread and it means according
to which nation. French has no word for home,
and we have no word for strict pleasure. A people
in northern India is dying out because their ancient
tongue has no words for endearment. I dream of lost
vocabularies that might express some of what
we no longer can. Maybe the Etruscan texts would
finally explain why the couples on their tombs
are smiling. And maybe not. When the thousands
of mysterious Sumerian tablets were translated,
they seemed to be business records. But what if they
are poems or psalms? My joy is the same as twelve
Ethiopian goats standing silent in the morning light.
O Lord, thou art slabs of salt and ingots of copper,
as grand as ripe barley lithe under the wind's labor.
Her breasts are six white oxen loaded with bolts
of long-fibered Egyptian cotton. My love is a hundred
pitchers of honey. Shiploads of thuya are what
my body wants to say to your body. Giraffes are this
desire in the dark. Perhaps the spiral Minoan script
is not language but a map. What we feel most has
no name but amber, archers, cinnamon, horses, and birds.

------

And two evenings ago, I feel sleep to the note-to-self that I must blog about this decision to cease labeling, to stop trying to craft all things into language. For language is, as with all things, a useful tool but terrible master; for while the ability to place a thing on my tongue gives me some power of understanding, some things cannot be made know by skinny utterances of consonants and vowels, but solely by the thick heavy movements of experience and existance.

Crudely put, some things just can't be spoke about.

The tests of faith come in the tiny mundane steps. The ones that we're all expected to take.

I guess it's not really about what you decide to do, but how you do it, that determines where your heart is. Between trusting God and sheer laziness, I am praying that my heart is set toward the former.

Dogville

You need to justify your actions before you shoot us? That's new. That could be interpreted as weakness, Daddy. [pause] I'm disappointed in you.

I'm not gonna shoot anybody

You shot at me before

Yes. I'm sorry, I regret that. You ran away. But shooting at you certainly didn't help matters. Of course not. You're, far, far too stubborn

If you don't want to kill me, then why did you come?

Our last conversation, the one in which you told me what it was you didn't like about me never really concluded as you ran away. I should be allowed to tell you what I don't like about you. That, I believe, would be a rule of polite conversation, you know.

That's why you showed up? And you call me stubborn. [Pause] You're sure you're not here to force me to go back and become like you?

If I thought there was a chance of forcing you... but of course that will never happen. You are more, more than welcome to return home and become my daughter again... anytime... and I would even begin to share my power and responsibility with you if you did. Not that you care...

So what is it? What is it, the thing... the thing that you don't like about me?

It was a word you used that provoked me. You called me "arrogant". To plunder as it were a God given right.

I'd call that arrogant, daddy.

But that is exactly what I don't like about you! lt is you that is arrogant!

That's what you came here say?

I'm not the one passing judgment, Daddy, you are.

No, you do not pass judgment because you sympathize with them: A deprived childhood and a homicide really isn't necessarily a homicide, right? The only thing you can blame is circumstances. Rapists and murderers may be the victims according to you, but I call them dogs and if they're lapping up their own vomit the only way to stop them is with the lash.

But dogs only obey their own nature So why shouldn't we forgive them?

Dogs can be taught many useful things but not if we forgive them every time they obey their own nature.

So, I'm arrogant. I'm arrogant because I forgive people.

My God! Can't you see how condescending you are when you say that? You have this preconceived notion that nobody... listen... that nobody can't possibly attain the same high ethical standards as you so you exonerate them. I can not think of anything more arrogant than that. You, my child... my dear child you forgive others with excuses that you would never in the world permit for yourself.

Why shouldn't l be merciful? Why?

No, no, no. You should. You should be merciful. When there is time to be merciful. But you must maintain your own standard You owe them that. You owe them that! The penalty you deserve for your transgressions, they deserve for their transgressions.

They are human beings

No, no, no. Does every human being need to be accountable for their actions? Of course they do! But you don't even give them that chance. And that is extremely arrogant... I love you, I love you I love you to death. But you are the most arrogant person l have ever met... And you call me arrogant! l have no more to say

You are arrogant, I'm arrogant. You've said it, now you can leave

And without my daughter, I suppose?

Uhm...

I said without my daughter?

Hmm, yes!

Well...

Yes.

Well, you decide, you decide... Grace, they say you are having some trouble here.

No. No more trouble than back home.

I'll give you a little time to think about this. Perhaps you will change your mind.

I won't.

Listen, my love... power is not so bad... l am sure that you can find a way to make use of it in your own fashion... Take a walk and think about it.

The people who live here are doing their best under very hard circumstances.

If you say so, Grace. But is their best really good enough? Do they love you?

-----------------------

I always thought that it was my best that wasn't good enough, but I realise, it's the other way around and time shouldn't be wasted. But still, thank god I have neither such power nor responsibility.

-----------------------

[No. What they had done was not good enough, and if one had the power to put it to rights, it was one's duty to do so. For the sake of the other towns. For the sake of humanity. And not least for the sake of the human being that was Grace herself....]

If I went back and became your daughter again, when would l be given the power you're talking about?

Now?

At once

Why not?

So that would mean that, I'd also take on the immediate responsibilities at once. I'd be a part in the problem solving... Like the problem... of Dogville.

We can start by shooting a dog and nailing it to a wall over there beneath that lamp, for example. Well, it might help. It sometimes does

It would only make the town more frightened, but hardly make it a better place. And it could happen again. Somebody happening by revealing...their frailty. That's what I wanna use the power for, if you don't mind. I wanna make this world a little better.... If there is any town this world would be better without, this is it.

Yes?

Shoot them and burn down the town.

You want the curtains opened? You don't need them anymore. What do you think?

I think we should open them. I think it's appropriate.

I knew he'd be back.
Not pleased.

I woke up at 9.30, from a bit of a nightmare involving murder and escape, but happy nonetheless. I always wake happy, so it must be my natural disposition.

I decided that I'd take a walk this morning. So I took off slowly, onto Gibraltar, past Malta and past Cyprus. The regal black and white mansions aching in their colonial memory, grave next to the tiny bright flowers, bursting. I used to walk in Vancouver with Jarrett, but Singapore is nothing like that. The air is not crisp but thick and warm, like a strong, soothing cup of tea. It is even a tad bit misty. Signs of neglect stand out from the general cavas of aged pride: the peeling paint off the houses, the white shamed with dirt, and trees extending their roots into the concrete, breaking them apart with the weight of time and nature.

A small concrete structure nestled in the green beckons to me. I notice a small flight of stairs behind it, leading to what must be a private clearing fresh with flowers. But there stood a door, by the side of the abandoned little building, framed with banyan roots and decaying plants. I turned away, a little ashamed of my cowardice, a little excited with the prospect of sharing this find with my brother or a friend, for later. After all, I was alone, and I know a bad idea when I see one - now. I walked away, my thoughts turning to that little wet mist-shrouded chapel in Cherra, Meghalaya. What was it he said? That western theology had too much of a two-dimenstional view of spirituality, that the spiritual world was real and that this is an area within Christian thought that needs to be developed. "All these 'gods', Pan and the lot, they're real." And the I thought about my brother, and his stories, and how I stopped him in mid-sentence. There are some battles I do not wish to fight.

Oh Shillong. I thought about how similar these old colonial houses were to the petite wooded abodes we found while trudging up the hill to see the sunset. Both European in flavour, wooden and floral. But the houses there were warm, cheerful and the flowers larger and brighter. There were smiles and churches and lively puppies, the noise of 30 ruppee taxis braving steep drops and sharp turns down the mountain, honking their horns. Here, I see grasscutters, and one lone gaudy ang-moh girl walking down to the main road. Then the military security rolls by, in their armoured vehicles. THIS is our neighbourhood watch. I brush off a stay spider's web that I had unwittingly collected and move on.

I guess I do like nature. I wonder why this hadn't dawned on me before. Perhaps for the first time, I have spare time and the mental space to wander. I stopped to watch three butterfiies chase each other around - why do they do that? They were the same shade of brown as the dried leaves that were scattered around me. I stood still to I watched another dead leaf fall gracefully onto the grass.

Death in beauty, beauty in death, and the shadow that my happiness casts is called pensive.

There are (at least) two different kinds of anxiety: The sort that moves you to seek change and the sort that mellows into a green, accepting, sadness.

With perspective, both can be good.

I enjoy my sadness, and it's difficult ways.
~ EF.

Remember how they told you to cut your losses and run?
Yah.

Delight

Under the noonday heat tinted green by the foliage that shrouds the porch, I am working on proposals and reports. A knocking above catches my attention and I smile a little, already knowing the sight I would behold when I raise my eyes. The translucent roof is clamouring with a little bird feast and I watch for the little scratchy feet that hop around - the only part of the bird I can see. She (or he?) is hard at work, violently abusing a nut or a snail for lunch. The perfect black lines that join and her ankle in the shape of a rake tells me where she is, and I can see her victim bouncing around, subject to her hungry beak.

I thought about running upstairs to rescue the poor snail. I thought about how scary it must be to feel so trapped, to have no where to run to except into your shell - a poor fortress. But then either laziness or a sense of subjugation to nature took over and I watched her cute feet (claws) patter around the roof before she took off, satisfied.

I enjoyed watching her eat. But I guess in every gift comes a cost. Be wise in the balancing act.

Out of context

H: Canada is like the fruit of knowledge of good and evil in the garden of Eden

S: that could be the nicest thing anyone has ever said about Canada. I assume it was a compliment.

H: Blogging it.

S: Good, the world needs to know.

It's alright, take your time to find your peace. We'll be right here with you through the darkest dawn. Come on, come on, come on, come on now you can't make it on your own.

LOVES!

"等一下，等一下，我要吗人了！我要吗人了！" G mumbles into the phone, before hanging up and turning on me. I had walked in that monday afternoon after dealing with ICA and had done a full star-jump (nothing less) to announce my arrival in his office.

"Where have you been? Worried for you! You disappeared! Could have been kidnapped, dying somewhere, we don't know?!! Also, you never turn off your computer!"

It had been the weekend, I don't come to work on weekends.

Tuesday morning, I relearn the art of wearing heels and had Metric join me on the way to the meetings. "Hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days!" She smiles (beautiful beautiful smile) over the tea cup she's using to warm up her hands.

It had been the weekend, I don't come to work on weekends.

Needless to say, I am learning what it means to be loved, and to feel safe again. Even if it means that people can care for you and appreciate you in a distant, professional way.

Right now, I'm a ball of good things.

[Edit]

For some reason, I am living in here a lot now. I am not quite sure why. Wiggle room for the mind? Either way, it's better this way.

G-love!!!

"I'm so lonely here
everyone is gone
everyone meaning you"

From Nagaland to Bangkok to Vancouver, you're always holding my hand.

On that note, I should've visited in you Tanzania...

"I think you don't have the slightest clue of who you are".

And that's when it all started. I'm still uncovering new bits of information every so often, like shards lodged in the soft tissue of my brain after the fall out. "Oh hello..." It's a wonder that my desire for amiability, compassion and grace was turned into foolishness, insecurity and weakness. I guess I'm still slowly learning to growth in strength as in grace. At any rate, I don't think that that was true of me at all, but I can't say that I care enough to justify it. Only know that it won't happen again.

2 hour afternoon naps do not bode well for the night. Neither does stuff like... this. The walls are yellow and the mirror reflects the weary smiles that somehow light the dark. Green petals and post-it notes strewn around flash brightly asking for attention. Always asking for attention.

Somewhere Alfie cries, and says enjoy his every smile you can see in the dark. Through the eyes of Laura Mars, how did we get so far? ~ Gold Dust :: T. Amos

Who gave you permission to do this to me now?

Being finite has its plus points: There's only so much space within my attention span for stuff. So something's gotta give and I am going to use that to my advantage.

On another note, I worry that Laura did it, while Hannah didn't.

I awoke close to 8, my body still moving gingerly from yesterday's walk, ravenous. Oh the little things that remind me that I am human.

Glen speaks gently to me from 8000 miles away, "it's natural no?". I guess I am too harsh on myself, my expectations, my fears and my desires. And yet I am hard pressed to reign in this torrid energy quickly, toward some sort of productivity. Time lost means less will be accomplished, and I've already let too many moments trickle past, with nothing to show for them - yet. I guess everything will eventually be crafted into something beautiful at the end of the day by hands quite other then my own (thankfully). I'm still young, and that's my fault.

Still, I don't know what to make of this new vulnerability that seems to have shown up right at the center of everything. Translucent, light and pale, I can't tell if she's an angel or a ghost.

Today is the first or second of August?

A asked, peeling the little eyelets out of the purple and cream parking coupons. "The first..." I thought to myself as I felt a little gasp of relief shudder through my tired little self, pressed against the leather of the car. Safe. Finally, the blessed month is here and I can feel a little safer as the folds of my world are stitched tighter together. The old is gone and the new has come.

And then there is meeting familiar panic that arises from being taught the wrong things over and over again. But I must admit, there is something quite fun in facing your fears and seeing them dissolve in the light of courage. Also, I recognize that I am especially vulnerable when exhausted. In these tired moments, even the quietest songs that seep through my headphones break my heart.

~ The best things grow from the worst disasters, the best things grow when we begin again.

The Pig must keep out of the clutches of the Snake, who will make a complete slave out of her in no time, enmeshing her in his coils to the extent that the poor Pig loses all power of movement.

As I was going up the escalator in Lido, I reminded myself of the decision made long ago to ensure that all relationships I engage in are supportive toward my life goals. I've always sensed that I would do big things. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But at the end of the day, there really isn't a point wasting time on people who have proven unsafe and untrustworthy, anyway. And there are plenty of people out there who are willing and able to love properly.

It's just good to remember these things. :)

H to the CCM

You know what life feels like for me?

I feel like I've had a happy deficeit

And I am now racing to catch up and am over-compensating.

I don't know if that's healthy

You'd be the ones to heal me.

Everything.

You're the craziest Singaporean I've met. I mean that in a good way. You're fun.

Truly appreciate all your help. I'd much rather work with one like you than...

You'll go far. Don't let anyone question your goals

One day you will be great whatever you do.

You make me happy just being around you.

I just need to tell you that you have the sweetest and most beautiful smile in the world.

It wasn't my intention to mislead you, it never should have been this way, what can I say? It's true, I did extend the invitation but I never knew how long you'd stay. When you hear temptation call, it's your heart that takes, takes the fall. Won't you come out and play with me?

It's getting hard to wake up in the morning, my head is spinning constantly. How can it be? How could I be so blind to this addiction? If I don't stop, the next one's gonna be me. Only emptiness remains, it replaces all, all the pain. Won't you come out and play with me?

Step by step, heart to heart, left, right, left, we all fall down like toy soldiers. Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win but the battle wages on for toy soldiers.

But the stumper really was: "You must have gone through a lot of hell in your life. How else would you turn out this way? This happy?" Well actually, this is my usual self... But I have felt as if this sense of joy, of appreciation that I've held towards life has deepened within me. I am just trying not to explode with this excitement that I've uncovered about what I want to do with my life, and the people who will build it with me.

I honestly, can't believe how blessed I am, and I will find ways to express my gratitude to all of you.