Back.
Hack.
Pack.

The past and future no longer have any meaning, nor do they hold weight, only in their silent distillation into the here and now do they matter, because, that's all there really is.

here and now

I feel so alien to my life.

I look around my room and take in the familary from a distance. What is so distinctly mine takes on a shimmer of splendor and glamour, like a frame from a moive. The double-sided tape sitting placidly on my table seems to nod wisely, approving the packages that he and I festively wrapped. My half-packed travellers bag seems to hold tales of adventure and space, bursting with toiletries and stories. She seems so perfect. Carol. The stuff that good lives are make of. The lazy-white of my boyfriend's unwrapped present sprawls unapologetically across the drabby carpet. Humpf. Quite like Seth himself. That boy... The seeping in of a new life, real solid and uncompromisable. We meet and mix and the world is new. I am new.

The tiny things that build my reality and circumstance make me who I am. No, they don't make me, but they sure as hell reinforce and press the finality of my existance into... whatever makes me, me.

I think, therefore I am.
There is a black crayola marker on my table, therefore I am.

Me: "I love not having to be beautiful, dolled up and sexy whatever and still feel absolutely comfortable and ok and confident."

Dre: "Huh?"

James: "I think she's saying that she's ugly and happy."

British humor.
Classic.

Take care in England.

I'm done with exams and I'm going to be swept up into activity soon.
Life isn't that simple or complex. It just is.

Whatever.

I really should've known

Call me crazy, but there's a part of me that enjoys the aching. It isolates me and keeps me deliciously apart. It reminds me of the need and even romantism of solitude. The danger, the thrill, the risk and investment of vulnerability have never been so high. It takes my breath away and makes every encounter singularly refreshing and overwhelming, bringing my blood to life and making my flesh dance. My mind is subjugated to the sheer power of song, I find a new life and it leads me faithfully, blindly.

I'm on a journey I've never been on before.
I'm helpless.

This is the first time I'm freaking out over my exams. Well, not the first time.. But it's the first time that I'm not garunteed a good grade. During the A or O levels in Singapore, you could be assured that the good ol' formula of Read Remember and Reguritate would serve you well and that as long as you did your TYS, you'd be pretty much ok.

Now faced with the state policies of the Ottoman empire, I am NOT ok.



Sigh... Mr Pasha... why?

I have opened myself up to a whole new world with dazzling sights I never knew but now from way up here it's crystal clear that now I'm in a whole new world with

or without you.

And in this way, I can give and keep, allow and prevent, give and take, all in a single action.

All the cosmic power of the universe... in an inny bitty little space.
But oh, to be free.

Pray.

Not the busy chatty prayer we often do, but the other kind: prayer as emptiness, prayer as silence, prayer as stillness. Prayer as the absence of wanting and asking. Not the clamoring man waking his neighbor, desperate for bread, but the suckled child curled up, satisfied in the mother's arms

mark b. ~ the holy wild.

"Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words."
St. Francis.

Teach me to live, and love.

Sting me

Who's gonna tell you when it's too late?
Who's gonna tell you things aren't so great?

We've got reality to contend with. But vastly different realities. How do we move when we can't even agree on what we have? Where is the empirical? The Unshakable? The Absolute? The Fundamental that ensures?

Who?

Who's gonna pick you up when you fall?
Who's gonna hang it up when you call?

I cannot understand how one can stand alone. To be broken and not seeking to be mended, to be an island in a sea of sand. Who can bear the burden in solitude?

Who?

Who's gonna pay attention to your dreams?
Who's gonna plug their ears when you scream?

From the innane to the international. Someone's got to make all that matter.

Who?

Who's gonna hold you down when you shake?
Who's gonna come around when you break?

Sometimes, I look forward to the crises in my life (not that I have any). They stand testimony to His faithfulness. In this respect, yes, I fear nothing and I can be anything and in that, I can be me. In fullness.

Who?

You can't go on thinking nothing's wrong

Just look.

Who's gonna drive you home tonight?

Who?

OH BABY YOU'RE SO FINE I'M GONNA MAKE YOU MINE YOUR LIPS THEY TASTE SO SWEET YOU'RE THE ONE FOR ME YOU'RE MY ECSTACY YOU'RE THE ONE I NEED I FEEL IN HEAVEN WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES I KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE ONE FOR ME I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE WHERE YOU'RE FROM DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DID AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME WHO YOU ARE WHERE YOU'RE FROM DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DID AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME BABY ALL YOU PEOPLE CAN YOU SEE CAN YOU SEE HOW YOUR LOVE'S AFFECTING OUR REALITY EVERYTIME WE'RE DOWN YOU CAN MAKE IT RIGHT AND THAT MAKES YOU LARGER THEN LIFE YOU ARE MY FIRE MY ONE DESIRE BELIEVE WHEN I SAY I WANT IT THAT WAY TELL ME WHY AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HEARTACHE TELL ME WHY AIN'T NOTHING LIKE A MISTAKE TELL ME WHY I NEVER WANNA HEAR YOU SAY I WANT IT THAT WAY I'LL NEVER BREAK YOUR HEART I'LL NEVER MAKE YOU CRY I'D RATHER DIE THEN LIVE WITHOUT YOU I'LL GIVE YOU ALL OF ME HONEY THAT'S NO LIE QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART BEFORE YOU TEAR IT APART I SHOULD'VE KNOWN FROM THE START I'D GO ANYWHERE FOR YOU ANYWHERE YOU ASK ME TOO I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO EVERYBODY YEAH ROCK YOUR BODY YEAH EVERYBODY ROCK YOUR BODY RIGHT

BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT

Hannah: Not knowing other cultures in the 1800s was alright because everything was colonized and ruled by whites...

Dustin: Ahhhh.. back in the good ol' days...

I appreciate my quadmates. Especially for their honesty.

Today, DJ thought of setting me on fire.

God dammit

Global politics is depressing: we can't even decide on what we have, let alone what to do.
How do we move together when we're in seperate realities?

My head and my heart hurt.

Lamb

The Truth never changes, although the experience and manifestation of Truth might vary. So in a postmodern world where cultural relativism reigns, where do we draw the line between culture and sin? Can we?

If there is only one thing I dare say about God it is that I am not enough to know Him. That he is bigger then I and that I am in no position to propose that I know His will and workings for anyone else other then I. Only three things I would say are universal absolutes:

1) God is Holy
2) God is All-powerful
3) God is Good.

These are the logical and experiential outcomes of God being Love and Truth, together and one.

Above all, God isn't defined by any of these things, rather these infinite absolutes are defined by the nature of God. We cannot comprehend pure Holiness, the absolution of Power and empirical Good within humanity. What we have are mere reflections, broken attempts, and disappointing shortfalls of what is unattainably divine. What we have are traditions, religions and cultures.

Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?"
~Matt 15: 3

What matters? What really really matters? What is beyond all priority? What dictates sheer existance?

God himself: Truth and Love.

It doesn't start with me, or with others, but with the Person of God.
I can only thank God that the Person of God is interested in me and in others; in Human hearts.

So how are we to live? In Truth and Love. In the Truth of the Person of God, not in tradition, culture or religion, and with the Love of God, not as dictated by tradition, culture or religion. We're not in any position, are we, to decide who deserves love and who is good. We don't even have the power to control our own lives.

(If you're reading this, you're lucky that you are existing in that slice of society that empowers you, economically, socially and politically (unless you're in Singapore). It's a gift, not a right. Even if it IS a right, 80% of the World has been wronged. So no, you didn't get to where you are by sheer choice, but because you're in a position where your choices are honored.)

We are so darn fallible.

We're not told explictly in the bible how to live in this day and age as differentiated individuals, but we're told who to live by.

Always.

Can I be here forever? Here with you?

I've been down this road before.

As Zoe in Singapore comes together, I desire to come to a deeper understanding on the defination of eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.
John 17:3

I got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You

It's been some journey. Plummeting my mind into my heart and trying to make it flesh. I'm sure that I've failed miserably, that I've fallen desperately short of anything resembling righteousness. But it was worth the ride.

I think I could recognise You. But I daren't be sure. I need to be careful.

Like a child I'll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?

To understand thirst and hunger in this context, to be able to live my life aligned with the Spirit, to be unperturbed by the desire to justify myself, to be me, bring me to my knees.

Can I know what it's like to deeply love You?

And Lord, for the record, I'm willing to do anything.
Just show me.

I thank God that it isn't about me anymore.

Realize what you are

I walk into this room, all eyes on me now
But I do not know the people inside

The past few months have taken me on a journey, a narrative of some sorts.
Inward,
Outward,
Upward.

To look deeper and further, beyond and above.
Then you lose sight of yourself.

We're all drifting away
Away from you, but I pray for you now

There are no excuese, only reasons.
And when I'm not there to offer them, lost somehwere in a labyrinth.
You're gonna make it all alright.

Don't you know when you give life
Then you become what you are

What you are ~ DMB

Arewewherewearemeanttobeorisdissettlementanindicatorofaneedtofindgreenerpastures?

Doweacceptwhereweareandwhatwehave,orstrivetobewhereweWANTtobe?

DidyouevennoticedthatIwasn'there?

It's ok.

Worse, then the total agony of being in love?

I love you this much. eternally.

I can live like this. Simple and here.
But there's more for me up there, and I'm waiting for the call.

There's more happening here then just you and me.
~ Spidey

I won't live forever.

There's no time for us, There's no place for us, What is this thing that builds our dreams, Yet slips away from us. There's no chance for us, It's all decided for us, This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us. Now touch my tears with your lips, Touch my world with your fingertips, And we can have forever, And we can love forever, Forever is our today.
Who waits forever anyway?

New plan of action to life:
To live what I have, without grappling for what isn't there.

The essense of truth is the here and now.
What was and what will come has no defination.
There's nothing to be done about all that.

5 years ago, I fell in love with someone who didn't exist.

...5 years ago

And I fear I have nothing to give

And I have so much to lose,

Here in this lonely place,

Tangled up in our embrace.

There's nothing I'd like better,

Than to fall.

Do you know what I'm feeling now?

I need more of me sometimes. I am resentful of the fact that there is a scarcity of me and hence I have to make choices. Opportunty costs really suck.

I lead a wonderful happy life. I am content and joyful.
I have peace.
I have adventure.
I have troubles.
I have love.
I have friends.
I have families.

I should be humbled.

"Yes, but what truth? You can see which is truth and which is falsehood, but I feel as if I'd gone blind - I can't see anything at all. You boldly settle all the great questions, but my love, isn't that because you're young, isn't that because you've never had to live a single on of those questions out? You look boldly forwards, but isn't that because you have the eyes of youth, becuase life is still hidden from them, so that you see nothing frightening in store? You're more daring than the rest of us, you're deeper, you're more honest - but think about it for a moment, be just a touch magnanimous in your judgement, take pity on me."

Ranyevskaya in 'The Cherry Orchard'
by Anton Chekhov

It's one thing to be a good and nice individual.
It's another thing to be blessed beyond reason.
I am who I am, and nothing I am, deserves all this.

Maze

I'm lost in You.
And then I'm found.

Amazing grace.

Move in Mysterious ways.

You've been living underground
Eating from a can
You've been running away
From what you don't understand...
Love

I lay on the floor of the bathtub today, feeling the water carass my bare back, teasing my eyes, lips, nose while I surrendered to the convicting realization that I cannot control the way things are and that Isaiah 55:9 really means what it says. This entailed letting my brain drain away with the dirty bath water, and letting my despotic use of logic seep through my scalp, down my hair and into the drain. Let it all be You God. And then Sarah walks in and reminds me that I have a life to live.

She's slippy
You're sliding down
She'll be there when you hit the ground

God is the biggest flirt in the universe. He is Dionysis, giddy and dangerous, making drunk and defying reason. He is the concentric being, folding in on layers of existance and realms of understanding. He drowns all creation in his being. He is honey that confuses and gives peace. He is crazy, and he's dragging me deeper under. I can't feel my limbs or hear my thoughts. I've schizoed out into another world where I have nothing to hold on to, but Him. I quite like this though, just me and a terrible unsafe being, love. I'll fall down and I know it'll hurt to fall, but there's more happening here then a bunch of grazed nerves. I will reach the outermost layer of the universe. He, the quintessence of empiricalism and truth.

Let her talk about the things you can't explain
To touch is to heal
To hurt is to steal
If you want to kiss the sky
Better learn how to kneel
(on your knees boy)

I have an issue with faith healing. I think I also have issues with Faith and Healing. Today I came face to face with my lack of faith to make empirical claims and prayers lest God fails and I falter. I need faith healing, my faith needs healing. I'm going to stay here on my knees, and wait for the sky to kiss me. Inexplicable grace.

She's the wave
She turns the tide
She sees the man inside the child

She also brings him out.
17 or 23, there is always room for grace, emptiness to satisfy, hearts to love and lives to carry. The potential of completion, the power of redemtion and the promise of salvation, all moving gently to meet the man-child, with juice still staining his lips.

One day you will look back
And you'll see
Where you were held
How by this love
While you could stand
There you could move on this moment
Follow this feeling

I am a fetus carried in a sac of love. I am confused energy, disordered chaos waiting to be shaped into being and maintained. I am a madwoman, kept from self-destruction by a straitjacket. I am the comos before creation, and I have love waiting at the door of my heart. I think I can flow freely now. Channel me.

It's alright,
Lift my days, light up my nights

Pillar of cloud and fire, part the sea. Please.

We move through miracle days
Spirit moves in mysterious ways

I'd never say never.

The Day of the LORD
Joel 2:28 -32
"And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days. I will show wonders in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and billows of smoke. The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD . And everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved; for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there will be deliverance, as the LORD has said, among the survivors whom the LORD calls. "

Not in the face of the Creator.

Move with it

I'm adapting Les Mis:

To love another person is to be the face of God.

Ok so this is theologically careless.
But you get my point

Sing.

I am insecure and unsure. I allow myself to be vulnerable and needy and mistake these crippling attributes for love. I dwell in hidden corners, lingering with my hands clumsily clasped to uncertainty. I cry words that have no meaning here, and write songs that are awkward and unbecoming. The ground beneath me lies blindly and I walk in circles. The distance is distorted, like mirages in melting heat.

Let me pour out myself in wisdom. Let me make this place fertile and powerful, integral in this upward climb toward betterment. Let this journey be returned laced in solid gold.

I will not lean, but I will touch. Not reaching down or reaching up; but across, to hold your hand.

Let that be enough.

Mmmppffh.

Tomorrow's a new day.

Blow my mind

Ian Tann:

I've know you for 5 years.
It's been 5 years of frustation, exasperation and disbelief.
But at the end of it all, I'd say that putting up with all that was worth it.

You're damn amazing.
And you mean as much to me as I do to you.

I hate being so far away from you, I do.
You're a piece of me.

Anyway... whatever.
You've got a life to lead.
So lead it.
I'm on MSN, on e-mail, will be back in the summer.
I'm here as much as I can be for you.
You'll be just awesome.

And you're right.
You'll find Him when you think you're running out of time.
In my honest opinion, God is the biggest flirt out there in the universe.

And I bet you, you can't run from Him.
HA!

God prey:


I miss you so much, I cry.

Me and me

"no one's picking up the phone"

Hey Jupiter ~ Tori Amos

Victims with the saddest hearts

And all the drugs in the world
Can't save us from ourselves

Crutch eh?

I am.

With grace we will suffer
With grace we shall recover

Take me on this ride. I'm ready.

There by the grace of God

I can be.

Hear my Prayer!

There is no truth unless you accept the assumptions that come along with it. The 'fact' that God is true only comes about because I choose to believe in a True God. That is the element of faith that I struggle with.

Now in the face of there being no way to empricalize truth, how can I believe and hence live? How can I be?

Now God, I will not let go. But to make things clear and to give me peace and to show your way for me, convict me, convert me to your truth, absolutely.

God, this isn't a 'dear god...' prayer. It's desperation and hunger. Did you not promise a way in the desert? Will you keep me from falling? You are able, will you choose to?

You say:

Come up here, come up now
My Beloved.

I want to fly, oh Lord
Here I come.

In the midst of heartache oh God,
In the midst of brokenness oh Lord.

I look up, and I see your door standing wide open.
And I hear your voice, it sounds like a trumpet

And You're calling out to me:
Child come up here, beloved come up here
Come up here and hear my voice
Come up here and see what I want to do.

You are my Beloved.
You are mine and I am yours.

Don't let anyone, don't let anything
Hold you back.

The Father is calling you.

"And remember The truth that once was spoken: To love another person Is to see the face of God!"

I'm bursting with love. It's retarded.

Grounds for Love.

I'm on a journey, and I thank God for Curtis, with whom I can be safe with to share, understand and articulate. Have a cup of coffee, and a three way conversation: Me, You and the Holy Spirit.

Why, life is bigger now, all this for a King.

Plonk


A major - you love to live life to the full. You
have a vibrant social life and are not afraid
to take life as it comes. You are content,
bright and often spontaneous.


what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Conindicently, this is the Key I sing most comfortably in. I think

The dream of my Father.

John 10:10
I come that you might have life and have it abundantly.

Oh, I�m choking, I�m choking
On the smoke from this burning house
I claw and I scrape
But I can�t seem to get out

People, my dead life as you know it, is over.

Oh, it�s my world, too
But whose gold is this I�m digging out?

I stayed up till 4 am last night, watching 'Saved' with my boyfriend, then talking to Shulin. I decided somewhere in the movie that the life I lead, the person I am, will not be a result of tradition or communial belief. I will not reject the tradition of my religion, but I will not be slave to blind indoctrination. I will not throw away all ancient and paternal wisdom within my family or the church, but I will understand them in my context and above all, seek the Holy Spirit.

Is this time our time?
Yes, it is
Without or with this shadow of doubt

I have never been more alive then this year, when I decided to live. I understand that no one can live my life but me. No one can take responsibility for the sins I commit, or for the good choices and joy that I experience except for me and Jesus. God made me such, and I will seek my being and my humanity with in him.

I wanna go, I wanna run
We turn, so sure someone�s looking down
It�s haunting me, haunting me
Leaves us here to get out

I have nothing to fear, no shame due to me, no guilt except in they eyes of God. I owe no one an apology as no one owes me a living. I am not due to live my life to anyone's expectations: society's church's family's culture's yours, mine. I cannot live my life fearing social rejection or with my thru-line being to please every goddamn human soul here. I cannot keep living in shame, fear, inconfidence and embarrassment of who I am. I am made in the image of God and every inch of my being is in Him and belongs to Him and to Him alone and not anyone's monolingual perception.

I don�t want to wake up
Lost in the Dreams of our Fathers
Oh, it�s such a shame child
To live and die for the Dreams of our Fathers

I've had a great life as a child with my identity tied to my family, society, religion and culture. It was my empirical standard. But there comes a time, now when it has become my bondage. The safe sheep-pen in which I grew up in becomes my prison. I will not sell my life short to a structure that isn't mine, I will not deny myself an abundant life with God to my self-imposed religion. I will find my joy, my understanding, my peace and my victory in who I am uniquely in Christ. Not what is expected of me, not in the SOPs of my indoctrination, but in what is organic, real and true.

This love I possess, love
It must be the Dream of my Father.

My heavenly Father. Alone. My personal living God in whom my vision is founded. I can only say, that the life I'm living now, the Love I have for my friends, my family, for school, for the church, for Seth (especically), can only be of God, from God and for God. The peace I revel in can only be His pleasure in my life, (dare I say this?) that I am living out what he has always wanted me to be. In Love, In Life, In victory.

And in the words of Les Miserables: To love another, is to see the face of God.

What more do I seek, But to live in His presence? And how can I turn away from this reality of grace in the face of harsh Law to reach holiness? More more more more more, then I can ever contain, his love, his grace his bigness.

The more I search and remove myself from the past, the greater and more amazing God becomes.

(Lyrics: DMB ~ Dreams of our fathers)

It's 3:20 in the morning, my toes are frozen from having walked half way round campus in slippers, pajamas and a thin jacket. Cling-wrapped to Sarah, Shu, Aruna and DJ in glorious relationships, we stood on the cliff, drapped in darkness and silence, and watched the northern lights parade over the city.

I've been here for 10 years, and I've never seen this in vancouver
~ Man @ 3 am, on the road, smelling of pot.

The angels were worshipping, and all creation bows.

I am amazing, apparently.

That's quite natural I suppose, considering I have an amazing God and that I live in an amazing world.

Just doing the math here.

Language politics, logocentrism and me.

The Crow created the earth, the plants and the animals. After a while, the Eagle also came to wish to create so he invented words for the Crow's Creation. But the Eagle soon became so obsessed with his activity that he forgot the Creation. Yet, there remained in the Eagle a feeling that there was something beyond his words. So, he continued to talk to try to return to the Crow's Creation. Then a day came when the Eagle forgot everything, including this feeling and started believing that his words were the creation.

That day, The eagle forgot how to fly.

North American Native Legend.

Angels fall without you there.

I seek to please God, and I understand that that is best for me and in my life as He has proven time and time again to be sovereign and good. Lord, let your will be done in my life.

And faced with all this, I'm holding on tightly to God's hand, while attempting to drop everything else, and run.

You. are my prayer.

Joel 2

25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten- the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm [6] - my great army that I sent among you. 26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed. 27 Then you will know that I am in Israel, that I am the LORD your God, and that there is no other; never again will my people be shamed.

The Day of the LORD

28 "And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. 29 Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days. 30 I will show wonders in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and billows of smoke. 31 The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD . 32 And everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved; for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there will be deliverance, as the LORD has said, among the survivors whom the LORD calls.

The world is on Fire

it's more then I can handle.

There's still talk of saving souls.
I'll bring what I am able

Click the link, watch the video, cry with me and move.

Thank you Lord, for not removing the hardships in my life, but instead giving me the grace to carry through.

This day has been challengeing and good. Thank you.

I pray for Adriana that you will satisfy her thirst for you. You promised that we will never be thirsty, in your own time.

You are amazing.

Plunge

This is the first week in which I'm behind in my readings.
I know full well that it's not my fault, I really have too much to do.
I will have to choose my battles wisely.

Lord, guide me, may your victory within these next two weeks speak only of your glory.

The world is on fire

I read the news today on the beheading of Shosei Koda.

How can this be?

It's more then I can handle

My skirt's turned up but I don't care...

As spoken by Shu, in the prayer room.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:25-34

God desires to lead, to guide and to grow.
Don't worry, Hannah, You worry too much.

Just live, love and be, in Him.

Granted
So much.
Lets make this work.

I'm glad to be alive

Take advantage of the sunshine
There's no telling when the rain comes in.

Remind me that there are things I cannot control

Stand and face me, just incase you
Miss a chance now to embrace me
Keep on walking, holding hands now
Let's enjoy this dark and rainy night

That doesn't warrent despair, or an abdication of responsibility,

With you right by my side
Together the strain
And the wind and the rain
And the heartache and pain
Cos it's all just a waste of time

But rather, no wiser option then to kick back , relax and enjoy the taste.

Appleton ~ Everything Eventually

How Beautiful.

"the tender eyes,
That choose to forgive and never despise"

Lord, make me pure and holy, ever dependent on you, and reliant on your grace.

-edit. Thursday. 6.05pm-

'No matter how scared I am, I know I'm safe tonight.'

Bah. Am I?

Land me like dynamite, please.

Deep breath. I can do this.

Postmoderism...

Hurts a lot.

It sits around and sees the other schools of thought yelling from behind each indivdual lense.
Then she peers carefully, and understands that she's behind her own lense.

No one can say that they know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
But one can always endeavour to understand.

Beautiful one.

I can't hack into your account. So i'm putting this up here.

I was in the WC in Regent college when it struck me: You have been singularly supportive of me. Since TKGS, it seems that with me, you have always been concerned about my well-being and happiness. Who I dated, what they did to me and who they were always incited either shared glee or ferocious protectivness. Yeah totally. I'll hold your hand. Chem class or no.

20 things I love about you (beautiful)

1. You're funny. You always make me laugh.
2. You're insecure and you let me know
3. You make so much sense!
4. You don't sometimes
5. You love fiercely. Very intensly. I can feel it a mile away
6. You stand up for your rights. We need a little bit of You in all of us.
7. I've acutally watched you grow!
8. You are stronger then you realise
9. I don't feel any less close to you despite being 1000 km away.
10. You are natural.
11. You have a brillaint mind.
12. You take good care of yourself, and translate that to care for other people.
13. You aren't hypocritical.
14. You make friends so easily. Mind you, I'm not an easily friendable person. You got past all that.
15. You are comfortable when you can.
16. You know how to get things done.
17. You aren't afraid to speak your mind.
18. You speak in Love. Relationships are important to you.
19. I feel safe with you.
20. You're beautiful.

Bright are the stars that shine.

I don't have much to say. But silences and distance really don't matter.

"My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest"
The Good-morrow ~ Donne

Lord, capture me, and draw me in.

Today I re-learnt the virture of here and now, of catching the moment and savouring the sensation. I focused on being alive, on being frustrated with my term paper and allowing myself to fade into beer and pasta. I was sensitive to my needs and had a good 8 hour rest at night. and I intend on having another 8 tonight. I am interested with my area of study and am engaged with it personally, absorbing it into my life and being. I am breaking my walls and building relationships, being safe while being vulnerable, being loved and loving. I danced this evening, into endless blue eyes that reflected the ablilty to surmount the impossible. I surmounted the impossible. We went on a journey today.

"We'll need hope, and faith, and the goodness of grace.
We'll need you to let us go our way"
Go ~ Plumb

Lord, be here in the center of my life. Move powerfully through my being and spread out to the world around me. Inward, upward, outward. Bless my relationships and the work of my hands, that people would know that You are Lord. Let me rest in you. Amen.

Pray.

Got heart? Got mind?

Got soul.

Give me a reason to stay here.
I've got too many to count.

Thursdays are good days. This Thursday was particularly good. I did well for my econ mid-term, had a good poli sci class, a good discussion on 'The Clash of Civilizations' with my poli sci classmate. A great talk on legalising marijuana. lunch. study. dinner with triad. prayer. giggling.

Greg.
Has MS.
Couldn't sit still throughout the talk.
Is beautiful.
Is alive.
tries hard to be understood.
Is old enough to make his own decisions.
Has a beautiful partner.
Is suffering.
Needs Pot.
Has been on pot since he was 13.
Is human.
Impacted me.
Has a point.

Legalise Marijuana. And everything else too, so says DJ. Put all the money into education instead. Let's be really liberal and allow people to make decisions for themselves. If we wanted to be really paternalistic, It would probably be a better deal of a parent to let his kids go, while equipping them with the right tools to make wise choices.
Of course this would only work in Canada. Singapore should just keep gum banned.

Pidgeons and the Crumbs
I was in North America today, in the West. Sitting on a bench outside the SUB, lunching on pepperoni pizza, Basking in the sun in 10 degree weather. Feeding pidgeons with the dispensible crust of my meal, watching students hussle by adorned with academic halos, soaking in life, with an American Liberal.

It was just like the movies. Only true.

Truth.
I will not endevour to be anything else other then truth.
I desire to project myself as I really am.
Transparent.
Honest.
True.

So we sit in the darkness of a blackout, opposing ends. Studying each other's features in the gentle precious light that slipped though the open door of the hallway. Nothing else to do, nothing that could be done. People jostling around the interior dark, screaming jumping loud along the lit stairwell. Nothing else to do, nothing that could be done.

So we sit in the darkness of a black out, opposing ends. Saying nothing, nothing needing to be said but insteading, knowing, sensing, feeling, drinking. Alive, organic and wild. The energy escalates to reality beyond understanding yet beyond doubt. Nothing else to do, everything being done. Alive, organic and wild.

Being in the presence of God, such that we do not need to speak but only enjoy, that is the ultimate fulfilment. Being still, knowing that He is God, and letting Him be lover of your soul. Alive organic and wild. Dancing, sharing, touching, loving. Not father and child, nor faithful lover to faithless wife, nor provider nor friend. But in that moment, lover. Nothing else to do, everything being done, by Christ on the Cross.

Overcome.

Reality is sharper, more acute, focused and intense. Life is shifting into a different perspective. Change is good.

But I will keep watching myself. There are some bits of me that I feel are important to retain.

School is going to kill me. I know it.

I can't quite articulate more, but life is nothing short of amazing.

I've figured out why I have a tendency to shut myself up in my room.

I have issues with myself, It's hard living with myself sometimes. And I think that's my motive for wanting to be alone sometimes. I don't want to get in the way. If I get in the way of myself, let alone other people...

Now I would then have to consciously counter that. I am not praying that this weakness would leave me. Rather, I'm praying that I will be able to overcome that.

I found this while sifting though the history of my blog.

1 MINUTE AGO: Chatting on MSN
1 HOUR AGO: working on Arts One Culture and Humanity Essay
1 DAY AGO: Lunch at Pastor Teo's place
1 WEEK AGO: Struggling
1 YEAR AGO: VJC, Singapore, being young
1 YEAR FROM NOW: Still UBC I hope
1 WEEK FROM NOW: Adjustment
1 DAY FROM NOW: Arts one Lecture.
1 HOUR FROM NOW: Pray
1 MINUTE FROM NOW: Is now.
I HURT: Kenley physically now and then
I LOVE: My life
I HATE: being unaware
I FEAR: fear.
I HOPE: That things can only get better
I FEEL: Pretty (sung)
I HIDE: from myself
I DRIVE: Kenley insane
I MISS: Singapore
I NEED: Affection
I THINK: But may not be.

Today, however, i'm pretty sure things have changed.

1 MINUTE AGO: Warming up Dinner
1 HOUR AGO: Talking deeply with Curtis
1 DAY AGO: Cherry Orhard Make-up meeting, Hanging out with Seth, Nav Meeting
1 WEEK AGO: Thanks-giving Holiday!
1 YEAR AGO: UBC, Canada, being young
1 YEAR FROM NOW: Still UBC I hope, IR. With relationships
1 WEEK FROM NOW: Decide on the Nav Leaders Summit
1 DAY FROM NOW: Studying
1 HOUR FROM NOW: Ditto
1 MINUTE FROM NOW: Keep eating, and blogging
I HURT: Myself with my insecurity
I LOVE: You.
I HATE: being unaware
I FEAR: Being overwhelmed
I HOPE: that things will last.
I FEEL: Intense
I HIDE: Behind my altruistic interest in you.
I DRIVE: myself up the wall.
I MISS: Strolling
I NEED: God's strength
I THINK: differently.

Fear

In a student's life, there is no space for this. You just do it, for crying out loud. You've got absolutely nothing to lose.

Except for your sanity that is. But then again; being a university student, chances are you've lost that a long time ago.

Proverbs 16:9

Seriously, what are the chances that it's pure chance?
Nil.

Everything has been divinely (and cheekily) laid out amid (i'm quite sure) sporadic busrts of heavenly chuckles. It's so good, so uncoincidental, so real, so natural and right. Everything perfectly articulated with the logic and precision that engulfs all in perfection.

Get a ticket, give an MSN contact... change lives.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistence
The tension is here
Between who you are and you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move ~ Switchfoot

God has amazing ways of confronting. I've been listening to this song for the past 2 days. Almost nothing else, almost non-stop. Nevermind that it's on a Mandy Moore movie, or that it's the commerical song for the OC. Nevermind anything. When God calls you drop everything and listen. Fall on your knees and surrender with the desperate passion of a Donne poem. When he meets you in a higher reality, everything is intensified and focused. More alive.

It's like spiritual pot, I'd say.

Friday, I'm in love.

The week is over and I'm exhausted. Positively drained. I'm skipping nav night for the sake of History 125 and my sanity. I almost thank God that Triad is cancelled tomorrow so I can actually get some work done, and that I can't go to church since I have to do the Cherry Orchard make up. Come to think of it, since skipping prayer meeting this morning, the exec meeting on Sunday evening will be the most social Christian-oriented activity I'll be involved in this week.

The reception of truth is more important then it's explicit establishment.
Discuss.

This is my thesis for the day.

It doesn't matter if absolute truth is successfully established. It is only worth anything if it is has been consciously and deliberately integrated with the identity of the individual. God, I believe is concerned with that. If He were only interested in the estasblishment of truth in structure and in the cosmos, he would've done away with humanity during the flood, he wouldn't have allowed for the choice of the Fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and evil.

What is truth? What is the root of right and wrong? What is the basis for morality in the Christian life? - God. His nature, His being. He is the essence of truth. He defines truth. It is his character. Now look at man who has been commanded to love the Lord his God with all his Heart, Mind and Soul. Surely then, God having fashioned us after his own image would have the archetypes of the Heart, Mind and Soul. If I dare suggest, perhaps careering on the edge of pride and indulgent self-interest, that we could see His Soul, who He is as harboring the Nature of Truth and his Mind as the intelligent architect of his perfect plan = the Implementation of Truth.

And finally, and most essential to me at this point in time of my life, God's heart. We see his nature as the essence, and his mind as the constructor, where does his heart play in all this? Where is His heart focused on? I would suggest, that His heart is for the people. It was his Heart of love that kept humanity from eternal damnation. So here, His heart is the Director and Fulfiller of Truth. It is his heart that dictates the point and reason for such truth in his creation.

And it is here that I see God's desire for his Truth to be established not in churches or in christianized institutions of the State or in Religion, but rather, in the hearts of his People. And in order to do so, they have to understand and accept this truth. This understanding does not necessarily have to be cerebral or acedemic. It only has to make sense to the soul, for faith to be planted by the Grace and Gift of the Holy Spirit. God exists on a higher plane of reality, one that is more real then the world as we know it. One that is sure, firm and unambigious. And by His grace he brings us up to this reality to meet and commune with him. It is beyond understanding, and yet beyond doubt.

But in order for us to meet God there, in His holiness and extra-natural reality, He had to meet us first - Jesus. Here then, God takes the stand that it is more important to be Human then to be Godly (courtesy of Seth). Here then, we would naturally run into sticky issues of semantics and definitions that Derrida (the lately late father of Postmodernist thought) rightly ascribed that we would contend with. But I strive to make things simple. What does it mean to be Godly and what does it mean to be human? In the case of the Virgin Brith, we see the almighty God putting aside his Heavenly glory to collaspe himself into a zygote, what else could be more frail and depsensible? By today's definition, God wouldn't even make the mark that would quailfy his as a Human being. But the greatest wonder of all is God walking amongst the wicked, intimately jostling with the scum of Humanity, veiling his identity and restricting himself.

To what end? To bring Truth to the hearts of the people.

To ensure that truth can be fulilled in living hearts. Forget the establishment of right and wrong. Forget the Law. Forget the great debates pertaining to denominational conflcit. Forget the State's decision to legalize Gay marriages. Forget Marilyn Mason. Forget Abortion. Forget Swearing, Shooting up and Sex. What are we, as recievers of His grace called to do? To be like Jesus. And Jesus brought truth to the people. How? Not by damnation. Not by restriction. Not by coercion or force. But by the internal transformation of a being. A precious, living being.

My point is, it matters not what we do. But who we are. If we center ourselves on His soul and seek to understand his mind while feeling His heart. His truth will be established in our lives. It is a truth whose foundations go deeper then any institution or tradition can ever conceive. And from there we learn to live. We live in a post-modern world. The rising trend of Globalization and pluralism is something that we cannot contend with. It is the superstructure of our times and Christians had better come to a solid grasp on that. Gay marriages will happen. The family unit will disintegrate and every other Sodomic sin conceivable will become the norm in our society. We cannot waste our time away attempting to change society and these institutions. Society and institutions don't matter to God. People do.

People need the truth.

Not just stuctures, norms, values and tradition. But Real Truth. One whose essense is Founded in the Soul of God. And by His heart and Love, it will be fulfilled. By His infinite mind it's structure will be fashioned uniquely for each individual.

So how are we to live? As with how we are to love God. With our hearts souls and minds. In that way, our entire lives will be a love song to God. Fullfiled, deliberate and essential. So we know God (soul), we understand his truth (mind), and now we have to fulfil it (heart).

And this is how we have to approach people. With our hearts for they are beings, not constructions that can be won over with the sheer power of the mind. Draw them in. Engage with them. Only then will the message of truth be willingly heard and fulfilled. As Christ did for us, we have to do for others.

*deep breath*

I'm not complaining, I'm not backing down, I'm not about to run away.

I've taken a lot on this term, more then I can handle:
6.5 courses, 3 of which involve insane readings, research papers etc etc.
The nav night team, planning logistically is not my thing.
Theatre. 2.5 of my courses, this involves a lot of outside show watching, which involves a lot of retarded planning. I make things difficult for myself.
Relationships. One that's particularly intense and deep, and that's not including the endless cups of coffee I am obliged to consume.
Apart from all that, i have a ton of things to think about. Christmas, Uncle Ron, Leaders summit. Alpha ...

So prior to my Hist 125 tutorial (which I had failed to do the readings for), I mused about for a while.

"Lord, I'm stepping into this with a clear understanding that I am unable to handle the richness and velocity of my life, and that I can only be victorious and succeed through you.

You alone, lord, have to carry me through, you alone are soveriegn and great. You are my strength and center."

I tend to forget that pretty often and find myself, once again, grappling for explict and overt accpetance and attention. What am I coming to? There is only one center around which I can confidently constuct my being. And relationships are not going to take that place. it has to be God.

Seriously.

I have been proven over and over again that honesty and transparency is the best. To hell with pride and self-image. There are so many things in life that are more important then one's unbroken veneer of perfection.

I just cleared up an honestly innocent stupid comment I made. And as clearing up and confronting mistakes always seem like a bucketload of pain, this was pretty brutal too. Especially if you live with the guy, and you don't know him too well.

But it was good though. Knocking timidly on his door, recounting the incident, looking incredibly stupid and feeling the blood shine abashedly though my cheeks.

Giggle.

Lay it all out. Be real and transparent for all the world to see. Be genuine and honest. Put your heart out on your sleeve, better yet, deconstruct it for them in case they don't get it. Let them know. Huntington only got half the story right. It isn't the differences in civilizations that will cause the next global war, or any other reason for that matter. It's the fact that people don't understand, don't know, don't realise.

There is no axis of evil, no bad 'states', nothing subjective of that sort. There is only a lack of understanding. If we could all lay down our lenses for a moment and tried to understand and made efforts to clear up all possible misunderstanding. I think we'd get along a lot better that way.

Huntington and the Clash of Civilizations.

So i just had this discussion in class about this article.
So Huntington simplifies people too much, damning their beings to an internal cultural prison of non-autonomous thought and action.

I think we simplify Huntington too much.

There IS a clash of civilization in my opinion, just not in the way that we see it to be. Not in the violent clash of arms and anger, but in the latent attitudes, subconscious understanding and globally socialized norms within which we function. Sure perhaps it will never escalate into a full-fledged global war based on intrinsic cultural differences, but it has weighty implications none the less.

"People don't define themselves that way."

How can we assume that people don't when we're the dominant group here? In Singapore, I don't think of my chineseness. But here in Canada, I am distinctly aware of my race. Despite me being nationalistically Canadian, being unable to speak the chinese language, being a part of the Christain faith, and dating a white guy.

I am Chinese.

We cannot say that people do not define themselves by their race or culture when we are not in a position that requires us to do so.

With the rise of globalization, yes we will converge. Yes technology and communication will give rise to a global culture. But simultaniously, it will make bring up cultural differences in stark and cutting ways. We are different.

I won't fight for my race, I will fight for my faith, I won't fight for Singapore or Canada, I won't do a lot of things for what ought to define me.

But it doesn't mean that I do not approach things from a distinctly different angle.

I can't ask for anything pertaining to that. I just am.

Orange.

It's fall and it isn't raining. That means the rusty trees are stark against the cloudless skies, and that the carpet of leaf litter is dry and crispy. Walking over the little plots of confined grass, deliberately avoiding the concrete slabs, listening to the crinkle and rustle of a dying season while soaking in the earthy sweet aroma of fall, it isn't hard to live in the moment. It isn't hard to find peace and gloriously bask in the liberal ideals of life.

Thank you God for your Creation.
More importantly, thank you God for You.

"Strange...
...I thought I knew you well"

It gets hard sometimes, reconciling expections and reality. Like G-love once noted on his blog the disappointment he faces with relationships, I cannot help but feel that I've let some relationships down. Or worse, they've let me down.

"Be mine."

I have expositions on the abstractions of commitment and effort and what-have-you-nots that pertain to successful healthy relationships, and I could muse endlessly on my desire and longing to establish such. The result, I smugly suggest, of my generous and most appropriate attempt in having a tender human heart. New concept to me.

But no, I serve only to kick myself in the head. Because in falsifying and creating pleasentville, I retract into Egypt. I have a fixed notion of what things ought to be. But I understand wrong.

I don't understand at all.

I shouldn't.

The heart does not speak in the language of the mind, it goes beyond that and seeks an actualization of truth that fulfils rather then articulates.

I will come to terms with my difference and my anomalish nature.
And Love; and be.

"It's almost like a disease."

Having a heart means being vulnerable, but yet not being insecure. There are times when I am so tempted to retreat back into the Egypt of my mind and restrict myself severely from life. I have yet to learn the art of balance Or maybe, I should just sleep, and stop kicking myself in the head.

"Write your soul down word for word."
You won't be mine ~ Matchbox 20

Give and take

That's what I'm learning to do now. Healthy balance Hannah, it's all in the balance. I've been very stressed lately. A lot of work to do. A lot of people to Love. A lot to be. I need more strength then this little human frame can comprehend.

G-love

Happy birthday Idol. You're growing more and more beautiful each day. It's been a joy being a part of your life. I only want things to grow. You dropped in during a very strange period of my life. I hope you sit around till I straighten out.

Grant me.
This much. Whatever your heart has for me. Whatever your will. Strength, Wisdom and Grace. More humanity, please. I'd like a heart.

"What more in the name of Love?"

In the name of love ~ U2

Burn baby, burn.

God no

The world is on fire, it's more then I can handle.
But I am surprisingly willing to be broken.

Freedom

That's what forgiveness brings. I need to learn to mount it.

Today I found another dimension to myself, it was somewhere inbetween my lungs. Near my stomache. And I was praying from there. I think I found my heart! I need to learn to unleash it.

I want to live. I need to learn to breathe.

Home
This is for my mother's benefit. But hey, we can share.

my room


My room from the other side


Our Comfy Corner


Kitchen


Other side of kitchen


Living Room (note the flat screen)


Living room from other side + Roomie DJ Who incidentally has a new niece.

"People are going to hell. Can we not sacrifice convention for them?"
~ A very wise Sarah.

I'm learning how to love again, to feel the warmth of spirits settle into an open heart.

This great leap being facilitated by empty sinks, giggly roomies, a rose on my door and an honest e-mail.

Love is not painless. If it doesn't hurt, it's not love.

Marginal decisions

Relational Politics 101

Lesson 1: Defy them.

The individual who engages in interpersonal relationships ought not to seek for power over the other in any form.

It's organic. Like a character on stage that brings the audience through profound emotions and experiences, it cannot be dictated.

Let her be.

My mother has got to be the most supportive person on earth.
Thank you mummy.

Rock me, DJ

"God is more then happy to meet you at wherever you are at."

"You've been on this mountain for too long. It's time to move on"

I think I'm getting somewhere with all this.
School is good, friends are good, rest has been really restful.

And God, of course, is amazing.

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures and
Twenty four tries

Twenty four found me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

There's twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

You see I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty four parts

But I want to be right today
Centered and true
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now

And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, to see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me

24 ~ Switchfoot

This speaks more then I ever could about my reasons, by desires and where I am right now.

Spiritual rice bowl

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry

I've got my bedroom and pillow thank you very much.
Humanity, hubris. What are we to do? There are a ton of hurting people in the world, and if were to sit around and act upon our inability to understand rather then love, we as christians aren't doing what we were called to do.

"Love your neighbour as yourself" is hailed by the Lord as the second most important commandment. Why wait till we understand before we love? We cannot even understand ourselves yet we do anyway. Suck it up.

Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
and you don't know what to do
Nothing you confess could make me love you less.

I don't think we dare believe that anymore.
There are so many aspects when it comes to loving a person. It ought to be an art really. There's the message, the speaker of the message, the timing of delivery, the medium of delievery the style and the tone. Or maybe there just is no love. Period.

When you're standing at the crossroads
and don't know which path to choose
Let me come along

I tried.

'Cause even if you're wrong...

yes, what if I'm wrong?

Take me in, into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you

When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you...

Thank you God, your faithfulness never ceases.

I'll stand by you ~ The pretenders

I love you, God


Things have been odd. I am really tired of explaining and deconstructing and struggling. God gave us a brain to consider our decisions carefully. He also gave us a heart to cast weight on our decisions. I don't want to make decisions just based on what I've been told, what I believe out of habit, or what i've been socialized in. I want to make desicions based on who I am. Who I am will have to be founded in who God is. God made us human, heart and mind and soul. All are involved in this decision process.


So with regards to my mind. It IS possible to overdo it. Like i have all of last year and last week, all mind, no heart or soul. The Summer served to remind me that I have a heart. After sacrificing every relationship in my musical for the sake of professionalism, after being told that I can no longer maintain healthy normal relationships with my devouring quest to consider and understand, after being called to live a life that is alive and not just safely on a balcony of christian rethoric, I break.


I am offered a chace to live with my heart and my mind. And this reminds me that I have a soul. Yes it is new. And it is precisely that it is new that i realise that my old conduct of belief and faith no longer logically stands. So my mind fails, and my faith (which has so been wrongly placed in my intelligent understanding of God) takes a new turn. Is there God here? Why not? So I am challenging my intellectual beliefs, taking this risk in the hope of a more organic, more integratedly real relationship with our God. If my understanding of our God who is never changing cannot stand in a new situation, I would like to test that understanding, and make it flesh.


Admittedly, prayer is not my forte, it does not come naturally to me. But for the past week, I have spent more time on my knees then ever before. I pray. I pray so hard that God will
reveal his will, I pray that he will guide me, for his wisdom, for his face. I have been reduced to praying child-like prayers, prayers like "if it is your will, do this, or do that". I constantly struggle with my motives, as i still am doing now and will always be. And I bring them to God, my confusion, my fears, my desires. I have prayed for the strength to do his will, for the sight to see. I fear my ability to delude myself. So I pray that God will make it undenaiably clear.

If there are three things I know about God, it is that:
1. He is never-changing. The same yesterday, today and forever
2. "as the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher then
your ways and my thoughts then your thoughts."


I can only say then, that I can never say with confidence with regards to decisions like these, what his will would be. He is heart too, and is not OT legalistic.


And finally, what I know is that as God is holy, so he is gracious. And it is upon this grace that I fall upon to find holiness. I am broken, bruised, utterly confused and paralysed. No way I could make a proper decision no matter how much consider or how much of a concerted effort to think. I can only pray. So in my confusion, and inability to think, I pray. I couldn't just say no myself, the motives would have been wrong. I would not have done it out of obedience of my relationship with God, but becuase I would want to LOOK like a good Christian.


"Hannah, I think you worry too much about whether or not you do enough for God. That's not the point."
~ Mother

I saw the father side of God. How precious!


You're right. This is new. And i'm finding myself and God despite that. I don't want my God to be safe. I am not rejecting my up-bringing or the wisdom of my faith. But God matters more then all that.


Peacefully,
Hannah

Two step

1. When God doesn't speak too loudly, don't listen too hard.
2. Retain the mystery of yourself.

I love Beautiful, DQ and Cherry.



Oops Q.. where are you?

I just hacked into your account to say...

20 positive things about you

1. you make people love themselves when you talk to them
2. you see right through people, and reach out to them where they need it most
3. you are endearingly confused, but you somehow put it across eloquently
4. you like your food
5. you can be frivolous
6. your passion is enough to keep many going
7. you don't seem to know how well you write
8. you have NO clue how much you've touched me with your life
9. your christianity is God-centered just as it is focused on understanding and loving humanity
10. you see the humour in things
11. you genuinely care
12. you have tremendous faith
13. your life is a testament of God's generosity, patience and unconditional love
14. you can be bloody smart without scaring me one bit
15. you struggle for your art
16. you know instinctively the things that frustrate many others
17. you are one talented chick
18. you are so strong
19. you LISTEN
20. you appreciate life and your passion for it shines

~Mrs Brett Anderson

How do 4 girls go though 30 rolls of toilet paper a month?

Betty Davis Eyes

Expose me, please. To myself.
I just really need to know.

God, be the center.

"Thou my great Father and I thy true son,
Thou in me dwelling, and I, with thee one."

I boarded the plane.

I'm looking, I'm searching, I'm seeking.
Making independent decisions, based on my relationship with God and not just with my religion or my society. Finding a balance between intellect and heart, holiness and humanity. Living based not just on what I have been told but on who I am.

I'm looking, I'm searching, I'm seeking.
Being in touch with God also means being in touch with myself. It means being and not just doing what is right. But it also means backing intentions with actions.

I'm looking, I'm searching, I'm seeking.
It means going down on my knees in surrender. Surrendering my power and allowing myself for once to be swept away. Understand that His grace exists along side His holiness. And He is love. Finding Peace.

I'm looking, I'm searching, I'm seeking.
... don't let me lose myself.

"But do I really feel the way I feel?"

Walking in Memphis ~ Marc Cohn

Boogie

• It's amazing how living circumstances changes things.
• I need to understand the shame that renders me a christian.
• No power, no pride. All Him.
• I am sickly insecure.

And when I go there...

"I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name"

A lot of things work like Pandora's box. It's a theme that runs throughout human history, within our individual lives. 'The story of one man is the story of humanity' says Coelho. Pandora is me, and I've nothing to say for it. Still in the process of building and burning, I shift into a new mode of existance, one that challenges and contradicts but with refreshing truth. What else is there to be done since it's been opened? Sit back and enjoy the ride.

"It's all I can do"

Where the streets have no name ~ U2

I am starting to become free from my crippling deconstructive nature. The chains are loosening, tide is waning. Oh, lookie here, a trickle of emotion. An expression of trust. Good dinner and conversation.

Waddaya know?
I might just be human after all.

Imagine

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
~ Jeremiah 17:9

Don't look at me!

Who would have thought?

That's my primary problem. In thinking so much, I really miss out on the important things. I think God has been bringing this problem into the forefront of my consciousness. Knowledge and understanding should never be my idol, but really, my tool. As today's sermon suggested, the objectivity that results from my exessive post-modernist deliberations might well be stifling my ability to live rather then intensifying it, as it was initially meant to do.

I am not secular. I am not dead. Live and let live, abundently and joyfully.

"The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being" ~ Genesis 2:7

Let me re-learn what it means to be human

Strange, I thought I knew you well.

The 4 latent months away during the summer was more potent then I thought it was. Relationships are more organic then I can comprehend them to be. So the power shifts, secrets remain or are revealed, like a glowing dance, very far away. Dimensions shift and I find myself caught within them, in a very passive manner.

I sometimes couldn't care less.

Maybe it's not for me. I could never quite understand anyway. I realise that the more i understand humanly, the less i really do understand. It seems that all the knowledge i gain only serves to point to the ever-growing void of my ignorance. I should just stop trying.

Ooo. Just breathe.

Thought I had read a change in your eyes
Strange ~ Tori amos

I have to be stricter with myself. If my bedtime's 11 pm, my bedtime's 11 pm.

Dang. It's 11.17.

2 step

Am I consistant in who I am?
Be.

Let them love you, in your most unattractive and unbecoming.
Do.

Maybe just a little bit crazy

"i feel like a specimen in a petri dish waiting to be understood"
~Gladys

I've forgotten what it's like to have normal relationships, to be vulnerable. In my never-ending upward journey to a greater understanding of myself, toward greater understanding of people and individuals...

... I had ceased to be human.

Please be patient with me, while God rebuilds this mess I've made.

Me: I can't pray alone
DW: Have you tried praying with God?

Thank god for that 5% of communication that does succeed.

I am so very happy.
Things are going so well.

Madness

So I surf, and the nosey little louse inside gets to me and I just have to do a little sniffing around. For reasons that are unjustifyable to myself.

I come across adjectives such as "Hypocritical" glaring in my direction along with accusations that I had "lost integrity in [my] dealings with people in [my] daily life".

Within come a myrid reactions. The first being confusion and amusment. In a bid to live a life as transparent as possible to the world around me, I certainly did not see being called a hypocrite coming round the bend. But it happened anyway.

How odd.

So I think about it, and then realised that from their perspective, it probably does seem like I am a hypocrite. Afterall, they would never know my conviction on the overhead bridge on opening night. How the divine put me back in my place. How I compartmentalize people and life, somewhat even beyond my own understanding.

From this angle, I can say that I have not been hypocritical, albeit them being justified in their feelings.

On second thought, I guess I can say that I am hypocritical. We all are. What with all that was going on under the table during CG, I can hardly say that I stand alone in this department. But this isn't about anyone else but me. I have to learn greater transparency. But even so, Love is above wisdom. The human head is in control, for the good of the human heart.

My other reaction was targeted not so much at the sentiment of the content but rather its form - The internet.

As an MCMer once chided me on my inappropriate use of public domain, I cannot help but be extra-sensitive to who is saying what and where. I think what bothers me most is how being so closely connected to a specific medium of communication hasn't helped in nurturing greater sensitivity and maturity with regards to the internet. It's so dangerous.

Crypt is good.

But anyway, all said and done -

"It is easier to bitch then to understand" ~ Shulin

God forbid I take the easy way out.

Dear God,

You're pretty nifty, I'd say.

Love,
Hannah

I am blessed beyond measure
and by his grace alone I overcome.

God has been immeasurely good to me. If I were to list out every good thing that He has done for me, it would take forever. And I bet i'd still miss something out.

Though let me clarify that the joy I am experiencing is not happiness or comfort. I am content, but being sick, unsure, unsettled, fearful, confused and all that jazz doesn't warrent my present state of being to be 'happy'. No. That would be an understatement.

Joy unspeakable, Peace that surpasses all understanding, and a Love that just goes way over my head.

There's something about Mary.

Dennis tells me I'm that Mary. That there's something about me that draws people to me. Let me say this though:

Everytime I say something nice about myself on my blog, or recount the nice things that people say about me, it isn't done in all naive innocence.

In all honesty, it is a clear reflection of my brokenness, fear, insecurity and desire to be loved and accepted.

I'm only human.

Desperate Love

I love you desperately.
I desperately love you.

I've moved into gage under the most ideal situations and things are going well. I'm ill and a little disettled still but I know things will go well.

I'm too ill to understand the full extent of my confusion.

Desperately, I love you.

Bye all.

Won't be connected for the next few days or so.

I'm scared.

You are Beautiful

And I love you.
Yeah I found the perfect notebook and planner.

Vitriol

"it's been proven that everyone will encounter a certain percentage of people they will never get along with."

I remember the culture shock I went through when I entered VJC. For the first time, I had met people with the propensitiy to dislike another human being. One of these evil individuals, was me. I morphed -twisted would be a more appropriate term- into a worm. I hated the people around me, I hated humanity, I hated myself. I was queen mother bitch of the western skies with a very large capacitiy and inclination to inflict emotional pain on the people around me, at least on those whom I feared or despised.

And half-way through year two, God waltzed me around and I came back full cycle - in love with Humanity. Except this time, with a precise, informed, decisive love. So far removed from the pink and fluffy affection I had offered in the past. I learned more about people, I studied their habits as if they were monkeys in the wild and conjured up sweeping grand theories that could explain anything about the incomprehensible nature of man.

I am only twenty years old.

Suddenly I found myself face to face with people that I -perhaps- could never get along with. At least not on a working level. And I ended up working with them. Now if my discovery channel findings and grand theories had been correct, I ought never to ended up in such a state, socially speaking.

So I was very wrong.

Either that or the circumstances did not allow for me to practise what I believed to be 'the solution'. But then, I thank God that I was wrong. It just shows that humanity is a lot bigger than I am. And it that respect, so very beautiful.

So I can only just, let my failure go. And in a funny way, I am so very glad that things turned out in the worst possible way for me. It's some funny yin yang thing all over again, some weird tension of opposites... whatever. In the worst situation, I saw the most beautiful. Amazing.

Skipping a Beat

I positively hate the situation I'm in now. I'm neither here nor there, in Singapore or in Canada. Well i'm obviously here in Singapore but the shadowing knowledge of my return to Canada seems to be crippling me.

"What point could there be troubling?
Head down wondering what will become of me?
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
The time is short but that's all right
Maybe I'll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
All good things must come to an end some time
But don't burn the day away"

here.
The absolute, the solid, the reliable.
Is always changing.

"Is this not enough?
This blessed sip of life,
Is it not enough?"

breathe.
The birth pangs of my second year in UBC. A lot harder then expected. And believe me Mr Matthews, I'm trying.

"But while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone"

Pig ~ Dave Matthews Band

Love is above Wisdom
Paulo Coelho ~ Veronika Decides to Die

So College Girls is over and it went as expected. I left without the wonderful feeling of a job well done because from my personal perspective, it wasn't. For the past eight days, it seems that I am only engaged in theatre only from 2 pm to 7 pm (that's when rehearsals start). After five glorious hours of fussing over the lights, sound, costumes, props and set, I'm left with almost no energy to handle what comes after 7 pm. Which, trust me, is a lot. But despite it being anything but what it was meant to be, I have to say that this has got to be one of the most valuable and defining theatre experiences I have ever had.

Theatre:
Comprises of two segments. Like yin and yang, these are polaric. Commonly defined as 'backstage' and 'on-stage' with the respective personnel being termed as 'crew' and 'cast'. But despite the difference in emphasis, there is absolutely no difference in importance. I digress. It seems to me that these two segments carry two different characters, 'Backstage' being one of resourcefulness, readiness, stability and reliability. One that ought to have a constant standard throughout the entire production process. The other, 'onstage' is characterised by it's momentous spark, unpredictable and insatiable energy that seems to have a life of its own, seperate from actor or director.

Amazing isn't it? Perhaps this is why that despite seeming to have a natural flair for performance, I seem to lean toward doing back-stage work. Admittedly, I have a fear of performing. I have not crafted my art to that crucial level where I am able to control that energy, to present a character, to breathe life and a living presence on stage. The backstage ditty, is concrete, straight forward. Not easy, but very controllable. It allows me power. So let me do lights, let me paint a set, let me gaffa the entire stage, and I will do it with all that I am. But I do, in my heart of hearts, want to perform powerfully and passionately. I want to be able to move the audience with me, to bring them through the different nauances in a character, to be able to engage their souls in another's life.

And (in conjuction with my previous post) I want both segments of theatre to be reflected in my life. I want, as an individual, to be both insatiably momentous and firmly reliable. To carry both aspects effectly to the people around me.

People:
Are amazing. It seems that the pool of humanity is a lot deeper then I ever imagined. There are so many levels to them. The personal and the professional, to name two. That's pretty straight forward. No doubt they are very much interlinked: one's personality would determine his level of professionalism. But anyhow, as a person (and a christian) being able to make that distinction helps big-time in my attitude towards the people I work with. Even on the personal level, there are many layers to be dealt with. I believe strongly that respect has to be earned, but two days ago, I was convicted that I ought never to have absolutely no respect for a person. He is afterall, 'Fearfully and Wonderfully made' in the image of my God. I am, in that cosmic light, no better than anyone else. I have to then give him that much respect. He is afterall, a loved and beautiful person with worth. But everything else, based choice and understanding, has to be earned.

I have a lot to say.

Dennis Tan:

You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving

You've showed me a lot.
You've opened a whole new world to me in both theatre and life. And it is a feat, how we get along. My culture, by nature is very unforgiving to yours. Socially and even linguistically, we don't have anything in comman. I think there is an unspoken agreement of some sorts that we will never marry Jay Chou with Dave Matthews. Only in theatre perhaps we share something. But your heart for the people and your flair and passion of theatre has broken previously existing boundaries in my life. I would be honored and delighted to work with Wayang Warehouse again, when I return.

For your selflessness my admiration

And for now, I think this relationship would be the hardest thing for me to let go on this return trip to Canada. I'll be back for sure, but I've learnt that good-byes are forever.

Natalie Merchant ~ Kind and Generous

"I think theatre IS the thing for you"

You to me

That meant a lot to me. Lately, with the books that I've been reading, I've been convicted to do what I like in life. On top of that, whatever I do, I ought to do it was a passion (I think Jeremy Janzen had something to do with this), if not, it's not worth doing now is it? Theatre is something that means a lot to me. Hence the fear. But after this production I am convinced that I am on the right path. Maybe not just to theatre but in life in general.

I struggled with not doing Theatre as a major in UBC. I ended up aiming toward that as a minor with IR as my Major. I didn't think studying theatre full time was... full enough. Perhaps its just the requirements at UBC.

"Theatre is not about studying, it's about experience. And
no doubt everyone has to start from somewhere, and what you lack in experience, you make up in discipline and humility." ~DQ

So wise!

Theatre is life. You can't be good at life by just sitting in a classroom. Knowing is not enough, you have to make it living flesh. And besides, theatre is not an end in itself. It's a means. A means to whatever end it might be, self-glorification, expression, instruction etc etc etc. I'd like to serve people. I want to hon my skills and passions to do what I understand to be natural. From humanity back to humanity, Theatre belongs to the people.

Thanks Dennis, for showing me how.

And I just can't help but wonder, where would a Chinese third-culture Christian Canadian fit into the scheme of things here in heartlander Woodlands? If at all? Well God, that's totally up to you, eh?