I can't believe that time has flown by so rapidly. It seems like only yesterday Gwen screamed "WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?" at my flacid and timorous self as I trotted pensively toward the faculty offices. Now, she has a new album, and I am to leave Singapore in a week.

As Aunty Wenli was saying at fourth-grand-aunt's wake this evening, a lot has happened within these few months. I traversed Indochine with a highly beloved friend and returned to the drama of identity politics. I started school and found my family. I fell in love with two people, at a similar time and chose one. I stage managed, albeit poorly, a church musical and drastically redirected the academic course of my life. I reconnected with old friends and my fourth-grand-aunt passed away.

I am ready to return to Vancouver. So much is waiting for me. and I will meet her head on.

Boyfriend to me:

"You sound more like ozzy osbourne with each passin day"

Oh how sweet. Why, thank you.

I am once again, very happy.

Everytime I stumble, a part of me expects that Belmont will come tumbling after. But he never fails to be a solid rock, strong and patient. I think I've found an anchor.

Let's sail.

Oh and Erwin, you're a great friend. Thank you.
And Gladys.

uErwin tells me, "be fair to everyone, even yourself."

To be honest, my main issue is that I am afriad to discover truth within myself. What if I cannot deal with the truth in my heart, with it becomes glaringly juxtaposed with the reality I am living out?

Since when have I been a slave to my fear? Pffft. Hannah you are beyond this. Trust that God heals and that He is Good.

If fear is the only thing that's stopping you from doing somthing. Do it. Fear isn't a good enough excuse not to.

~ Seth. (my ex-boyfriend, who saw me from boyfriend to boyfriend.)

Today was heavy on my soul. Very heavy.

Now is the dim past. Then was the shining present.... You think you're safe. Until you see a picture like that. And then you know you'll always be a slave to the present because the present is more powerful then the past, no matter how long ago the present happened.

Fall on your knees ~ Anne Marie Macdonald

Several blog posts ago, an anonymous commentor asked "You still love him don't you?". In my indignition, I refused to reply. But today I am resigned, and the answer is yes.

My blood still stirs in his presence.

6th January 2007

I return home to Canada. When will I come back home? What then?

but one night while sleeping alone in her bed,
the phone rang, she woke up, and sat up and said,
"what time is it? what time is it?"
"well it's 5:30 here and it's 2:30 there,
and i won't be home tonight," he said.

the time between meeting and finally leaving is
sometimes called falling in love.

gah. I am so useless.

I am down for a while. Blogging I mean. My laptop has been sent for repair and I hope to get it back soon.

But have a Merry Christmas.

Love you all.

Hannah

I was late, I arrived at 2.40 and I threw a tantrum.
The sleep-deprived boyfriend, who arrived in town an hour earlier to spend time with me before his 3.00 shift, was ever-patient and comforting.

Ah, you know you've found someone special if he is willing to walk you through the pain of your past loves. Belmont reminds me of God. His grace far exceeds his jealousy.

I am repentant.

I had an excellent day. I cannot tell if this is me justifying my spiritually weak life as of now, but I think this day was more church then I have experienced since lunch with Erwin.I talked, I was truthful, I listened and I loved. It was great reconnecting with old friends and learning about their new lives.

Do you remember 'us'?
Of course. And it was precious. Kanbhik.

And there was the silent boyfriend, who was the steadfast pillar of my being. Who unquestioningly reaffirmed me, who watched with artistic appreciation as I lived my life, who stood by to hold, to tease, to complement, to laugh, to enjoy. He is, as of today, the amalgamation of my life's various frazzled energies and my journey-paths. I hope that as we grow forward, he'd set the direction for me to apply my spirit, and we'd soar and create things so much bigger then our individual selves.

This is how my boyfriend shows affection:

I need to realise that you're still a girl, and can be prissie, anal and difficult. Awwwwww.....

Uh, thanks... I think.

Of course I responded the compliment in kind by telling him that he was inconsiderate, insensitive and a complete moron. We both backed our cases with the same incident 3 weeks back.

I received a letter in the mail to go to a talk on Postmodernity, or something rather, with the TAGS family. And then another invitation for dinner with the family.

Well, I don't quite know where all this fits into my life now. I really appreciate my time with them, and what they have done for me. I think I will always have problems reconciling art in my life. Walking around Chinatown with Belmont, I realised that I had developed a sudden aversion toward the local arts scene. I remember watching TV with my mother when the commerical for some 'get-with-the-arts-scene' show came on. It featured a distasteful metro guy (quite repulsive actually) swearing that he's here to ensure we never waste money on trash music and a couple of puppets touted to be the toughest critics on the arts scene here in Singapore.

I cannot say that I have had an easier time with the arts in Canada. I was bowled over by their resource management and professionalism, but still felt that something was missing. I just think that with materialism being the ontology of our goddamn-everything, we'd be hardpressed to find art as true expression, seperate from the spirit of consumption.

When I think of the arts scene here in Singapore, I think of Salsa lessons, impeccable sundresses, wine and candles and starlight. And as I answered four years ago to Andrea's question: One word to describe our arts scene? Bourgeois.

But with regards to the TAGS dinner, I think I ought to go. It would be good, and at the end of the day, I'd really only avoid it to avoid Dennis. And that ought not be an issue.

The past

Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start

I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart
Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start
Runnin’ in circles, Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are

Nobody said it was easy Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start

Cold play ~ The Scientist

Sentimentality can be so unfair to the rest of the world. It's a selfish selfish thing that forces me back into the little imagined world of the past. Leaving the people who love me, and who seek to be true helpless and fearful. No one deserves this from me. I will not allow for such frivolity from myself. But although freedom did come, I doubt that my expected penance will be complete until more blood is shed, and from the right wounds.

Life is very very pretty now.
It's very full.

I thought I was melancholic in dispostion, but then I realise that I really am not.
I can be very satisfied with the simple.
Like my mother and grandmother, I make my own happiness.

Hell, I can find it under a rock.

I just kinda thought that a mundane report on my life on my blog was in order. A lot has been happening and not a lot has been going. The christmas musical has reached a mild crisis and we contemplated scrapping the entire thing for messiness and commitment issues. But I am glad that we are pressing on and trusting God. Only God can deal with this.

Sue is here, and it has been great just hanging out with her. Our laughter and nonsense is interspersed with life-shaping conversations. I have learnt a lot from her and am utterly blessed that she is here in my life. The time that we share with Belmont is also a great blessing. That she knows him, that they get along and laugh is a firm en-etchment of this relationship in my life in Canada. She, along with Majortom are the bridges between my two lives.

I've helped Dua Yi sell christmas trees again this year. This brings me back to the time when I was 10. Danny was there even since, and he's still here, a faithful twelve years later. The only difference it seems is that the oranments are classier and the patrons are more interested in colour schemes and style. But then again, I wonder if there has ever been sentimentality in commercialization at all.

I ran into a slight academic crisis. Apparently, I had handed in the wrong assignment. I did my essay on Lesson 6: religion. Of course, how could I pass that up? So I didn't, even when the assignment instructions clearly indicated that the material must be derived from Lesson 8-15. So obviously 6 was way off. I thought I had everything pat down till January, then my prof emails me to inform me of my mistake. But he was a sweetheart and instead of penalizing me for my oversight (I totally deserved a C for that) he allowed me to redo the work. That would otherwise have ruined my christmas.

To be more specific about Thursday's dinner with Dennis. Surfice it to say that it went eventlessly, with small talk and mindless chatter. But after, I wept for an hour while on the phone with Belmont. Tears that had no reason, althought Ziig suspects it's relief. And it was true. I had let go. And I had learnt grace. But although I had stepped through the opening, the door remains ajar. Sunday came and I refused to engage. But I doubt that these things work the way we want them to. It's alright. I don't need this anyway. If anything, I have learnt grace, and I might be more gracious to myself.

Alright. That's my life.
It's perfect.

OH! I'm only returning to Vancouver on the 6th of Jan, I guess all the coffeeing will have to be done over term-time.

ps Shu, don't worry, I will be living with my parents. Won't need to impose on you sweetie. :)

Thursday

Oh I do struggle with being foolish.

So dinner came and went, quite uneventfully.
"What are we doing here?"
"Just having dinner"
(kick under the table from sue)
"Oh, ok..." And dinner commences... and ends.

...

I run into an odd aquaintence and blurt the whole story out leaving him and his girlfriend confused and randomized. I think that was my spazzled insides leaking out.

Sue hands me a lesson on grace and I suddenly feel as if my eyes were opened.

"You are honest, you can be honest. But not everyone can. do not impose that on people."

And that is true of Dennis. He is who he is and I am who I am and that does not mean that they coincide.

And that is why I am in love with Belmont.
And this is why I must let go.

Oh God, I am yours, save me.

And despite it all, I think i have found release from this madness.
Oh I am hoping.

Just leave.
I won't be here.

Thursday

Amidst morning laughter with family and friend, a familiar number flashes across my cellphone screen. Ah, it's the boyfriend.

"Did you get Dennis' message? He wants to have Dinner on Thursday. You, Me, Himself and Jasmine..."

So I spent the rest of my day with a little sullied cloud over my head. Why would Dennis arrange to have us all for dinner when we aren't even on talking terms? And forgive me for my nitpicking but I thought his negligence to text and inform me himself rather rude. And 8 pm in the east when I live in the North, well inconsiderate. All that aside, I have spent every stray moment in my own mental universe. Thinking, thinking, thinking... what could possibly be going on? What might possibly happen?

Well, whatever the case, Sue is here and Sue is coming with me. I thank God. She will keep my dirty tougue and evil heart from inflicting too much damage on our generous hosts.

I cannot imagine a 'casual dinner' on Thursday (unless I read wrongly) to be a good way to sort things out between us. These things happen behind closed doors and privately. But seeing what Dennis himself has been telling me about being unable to respond to my messages ('it's a woman insecurity thing' - what sexist labelling) I begin to wonder if there is no other way. Then I wonder if I want anything this way. And then I wonder if I even care.

Well maybe Thursday is really intended to BE a casual dinner between old friends, army buddies and girlfriends ooo tickle hahaha you're a riot that's awesome how cool. But then the present seeps the colour back into my mind and I conciously remind myself that Thursday will come and go, and life will sweep us along anyway. Only, Hannah, keep in mind that this is your story and you must live it well. Do not mess it up anymore then you already have. Already have. Some things are irreversible regret, inevitable. But not irredeemable, and this is the power of God in my life.

All in all, I am really convinced that Dennis does not understand the extent of the hurt inflicted on me, nor the intensity of the love I harboured for him. As Pastor Wee says, it's all a misunderstanding, and had we been clear about each other's intentions, things would have turned out quite differently. And then I look around me, at my amazing life (which I would trade for no one else's), my bright future, my perfect family, my loyal friends, and my ever-loving boyfriend to whom my heart is not yet given(it honestly remains with Dennis, still), but who has agreed to walk my pain with me, and through that will irrevocably capture my being again.

I start to see that maybe, compared to this life, I wouldn't have wanted it that way anyway.

Oh, Canada! My home and native('s) land!

It was with great reluctance that I read Curtis' card, brought to me by Sue. I'm so glad she's here. It's like a peace of Canada fell out and landed here in Southeast Asia, where it belonged anyway. But I was absolutely stoked to hold the brown envolope, with Curto's signiture postmodern christmas adds - Oh tell me what I miss!

But I was afraid to start reading it. For were I to start, an end to the letter would be in sight. I was tempted to leave the note unread and hold on to the sweet notion that there was a message of love just waiting to be read.

I read it anyway, I was right. Heartfelt honesty and open affection will move me to tears. Especially when penned with such grace and clarity. Why Curtis, I'd say you write like an angel

Only angels move me to tears.

And from Sue - a ring carved by R.K., a First Nation's artist. She brought me a little piece of Canada that was native (even though I am Chinese). I had always wanted a piece of First Nation's jewellry, I just didn't know what would have been appropriate and how to choose Native art items for myself. I see them as sacred almost.

Sue saw the ring and decided that that was so me. I now have a totem Killer Whale wrapped around my finger. It symbolizes a lot of who I am and what I want to be.

But mostly, it reminds me that I am Canadian. Not just by birth, passport or nationality. But for the people who made me who I am today by loving me from the fall of 2003 onwards. I belong to you too.

I had a wonderful day today, meeting a sweet prof, hanging with good ol friends, studying with like-minded peeps, finishing work (that is only due in January). Later the boyfriend calls and we head down to Vivo City and later to Ikea laughing, play-fighting and just being stupid about things.

But the best thing that happened all day was to have Isabelle MSN me frantically with regards to my nickname (talk about wearing your heart out on your sleeve). She pours her heart out in a bid to walk me through my issues. I only found a sweetheart.

Keep warm, keep safe, you.

And Belmont. So you complain that you no longer see your name on my blogposts. Well ladies and gentlemen, this was Belmont's lastest contribution to my ruminatory patterns:

Do cats suffer from post-natal depression?

I'd like to poll the audience.

So from 8 pm - 10.30am, the brother, the boyfriend and myself watched two and a half hours of non-stop family guy.

And from 8pm - 12.30am, the brother and myself watched four and a half hours of non-stop family guy. 13 episodes.

And from 8pm - 2.30am, the brother watched six and a half hours of non-stop family guy.

Life is pefect.

Oh! And this afternoon Ziig reminded me of the importance of rest and quietness.

Thou shalt not doubt that this love is real.
If you don't love her, your best friend will.

Thanks to Ziig's challenge to me, things have been going on quite well. In fact, I am seriously considering dropping him out of my life entirely, that he would cease to exist.

It ends here. It needs to end here. It must end here.

The difference between scary and sexy is knowledge and control. Like I watch the back of the trans-island bus 882 as it rounds the bend, and the ad says "Power is nothing without control".

"Indeed", I sigh sadly to myself.

I had a slight Avril bout today. She got under my skin. So for half an hour or so, I listened only to my Avril Lavigne collection: all three songs.

Yay.

On another note, I will demand and expect nothing less then passion and intensity in my life. Dig that?

OH MY GOD GUYS I HAVE FOUND THE PEFFCT TERM TO DESCRIBE ME AND MY DESIRE TO BE HIPPIE:

1.	Hippycrite
	A fake hippy who complains about every polluting object known to man but uses the same products that they complain about. Oh those awful cars but hey I just bought a Suburban! Check it out it has a V8! by Chris Walker Oct 29, 2004 email it

Courtesy of www.urbandictionary.com

Psalm 145

It made sense today, on the train home after an emotionally cranky day. Crying out to the Lord for peace, direction, confirmation and...

Don't just keep asking for things Hannah, worship me!
Be with me!

And this is me realising how things fall into place. There was a rush of urgency, along with the gripping realization that I did not know how. It was a quintessential Dustin YBH (yeah, but how?!) moment. Aye, a relationship is like a dance, God leads, I follow. And in order to make this work, I will have to keep my feet moving, my fingers pressed against His, sensitive to His leading.

Worship. The understanding of something greater then yourself. The act of allowing yourself to engage and be absorbed into this sense of humility and awe. To be beyond yourself. To be a part of something more. To be released from yourself. To remove your eyes from your navel and onto reality.

Well, it's a start. I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news, there are ants on my desk.
I fear that they will eat my pretty pretty macbook.

I met up with Ziig today, after 5 years of mutual disinterest and silence. The Postal Service and Planet Shakers... sure, whatever floats your boat. But I found myself in the presence of an old friend that I never had, pouring my heart out and eagerly lapping up the much needed direction.

I think we've identified the problem.
Uh-huh...

And it is true. Until I can let go of my vengeful obsession and allow the truth of God to come flooding in, I will be crippled. But as I told Renita, I find it refreshingly odd and beautiful that Ziig can walk back into my life into a space of trust and communication. Well then. I think this is what I need.

On a slightly related note, this is what I need to rediscover (as Belmont discovers our email correspondance of 2004):

In response to email dated 12th Dec 2004:

Have you heard of the book "The Holy Wild" by mark buchanan? It's a book that i'm reading now and the night after I read your e-mail, i came accross this passage on the section of God's Holiness:

"There's only one way to get there (freedom in God) from here: Worship. I've never met anyone who actually rests in God's holiness who has contemplated their way into it. You cannot get there with a fine parsing of Greek roots or a careful taxidermy of biblical images and theological themes. The experience is not like that. It's visceral, raw, scalding. It comes only from seeing God. We can't stage-manage that. but if there's one thing we can do to put ourselves in the place where this can happen, it's worship."

The beautiful thing about a relationship with God is that essentially, we can't do a single damn thing to wriggle our way into the presence of God (I've sure you're realised that by now) because it's a real relationship. Two-way thing. Like you can't force yourself to fall in love with a girl you're not attracted to, or force a girl to like you when she's not interested. Same thing with God. So the only way into a relationship with him is if He invites us AND if we're willing. Both.

And God is a terrible, horrifying being. He's huge and dangerous: so we can't control him. But he's safe: so we can trust him. Which is great. we wouldn't want a whimpy God. And I doubt we'd do well if we could control God. So well, I'd say Bel, to worship. The weight of a close walk with God is not for you to bear on your own. It's a relationship so you and God will do this together. He'll take you there. Just worship. Easy peasy. (or so I say) And don't fear about being dangerously low. I've learnt that sometimes we need that and that point is part of our jounrey with God. On that note, it's a journey. it's not just "I'm with God!" or "Dammit i'm not with God..." It's a walk and he has promised to be there always. So don't worry. He won't let you fall, but he might scare you a bit.

And then later in response to email dated 17th Dec 2004:

And you know what, i think we as christians have really got to stop feeling sorry about where we are in life with God. I might be wrong and heretical, but in my opinion, God created us to be a certain way and we have to get there, but we are who we are and God approaches us in different ways. So if we don't communicate with God in the same ways as others, it's totally alright. be sensitive to yourself, know where you are and slowly learn to worship. We were created to be in his presence, and worship is the best way to get there. Really the one thing God wants is for us to know him as he is (the truth) and then trust who he is, and then to rest in him. Rest. we weren't created to be afraid, worried or nervous, but to be at peace.

BTW, it's funny that you mention Jonah. I remember hearing a wonderfully comforting sermon on the nature of God by looking at Jonah. My mother always tells me that I worry too much about not doing enough for God and really, that's not our problem to solve. WE are the problem, the solution, is a relationship and the solver is God. Jonah, by far wasn't the best person to Go to nineveh, but you know the whole deal about he fish and all that (diver or no :) ) God CHASED jonah. He had his mind set on Jonah and followed him no matter. He persued him. So chill, God's on your case. Terrible things might happen, but believe me, you wouldn;t wanna be somewhere else.

I agree that we have to make that commitment and there is a lot of work on our part, but really. it starts from God. So chill

And another interesting concept is that maybe God's out to woo us. Like a lover you know? And well, be still and listen to his calling, don't force it.. just let God love.

Hannah, do you remember? Now can you once again call on the Lord?

In the Beginning...

"don't get bored"

Alright.

Pastor Wee tells me that this whole Dennis thing is a big misunderstanding. Dennis has misunderstood me and I have misunderstood him. No this isn't going to be another angry/emo rant about the ex-boyfriend to stood center of my life for 7 years. It's really going to be about Belmont.

So maybe it was all the result of a misunderstanding. Maybe everything that I say and feel is really just misinformation and untruths spewing around. Perhaps. But then what? Given that Dennis refuses to engage with me in almost any form of discourse, I think it is safe to say that such misinformation is an inevitable condition. How can I find out for sure who you are if you do not talk to me? I will have no choice but to continue with this unflattering impression of thus.

And so, I have found that when it comes to Belmont, I have my images, my perceptions and my solitarily-form realities. And they aren't always pretty, swinging from insecurity to insecurity. But then the evening rolls by and we find ourselves by the beach, in a park. Engaging person to person, soul to soul, I am taken by surprise by a reality so familiar, yet differently hued. Then my breath disppears into the thin midnight air, and my feet no longer know the ground.

Always Mel, we'd always be friends.
~ The end of our MSN conversation, 2 seconds ago.

So immediately after blogging the previous post, I nestle down in bed and call the boyfriend at 1 am. Poor kid is up struggling with his project overview and decides to relax with a bit of conversation with me.

Me: "... or something rather."
Bel: "what?"
Me: "or something rather."
Bel: " huh?"
Me: "Or something rather. It just means, something around there lah"
Bel: "Nice. You can like, not wear clothes or something."
Me: "... .... what?..."
Bel: "Nothing."
Me: "what?"
Bel: "Nothing."
Me: "what?"
Bel: "Nothing."
Me: "What did you just say?"
Bel: "Nothing..."
Me: "...Omg, was that a freudian slip?!"
Bel: "uh... I guess so."

He suggested I blog this, for humour's sake. We laughed for ten minutes.
World, meet Belmont the boyfriend. He is my ridiculousness in its masculine form, my intensity inverted into calculated self-conciousness, my fury made calm and my fears met with honesty.

I'd like to give my heart away. Seeing that he is bold enough to tell me that he loves me.

I won't say 'I hope all is well with you' because I wouldn't mean it.

I don't know whose side I'm taking, but I'm not taking things too well.

[If only she knew ~ M. Branch]

I think it was a retired bus no 167 that rounded the bend at the Sembawang bus terminal where I stood. The pixelated signboard sang out hallowed seasons greetings "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year". A week ago, I found myself screaming in Changi General Hospital whilst desperate nurses tried to give me my Hep A booster shot. A booster to the orginal jab administered in May.

Has it already been six months? Am I going 'home' already?
So much has happened. I wonder, did I orchestrate this for real?

I have been enjoying myself immensely. I have deep affection for the world I have created during my 'exchange programme'. Munchie Monkey, lunch in the Business Canteen, Fong Sengs. Belmont, Erwin, Ting, Marcus, Jason, the band, Jacky, Nick and the lot. What friends! What joy!

Why you so narcissistic one har?
~ The boyfriend in response to my previous post.

Anyway, we went to the MV Doulos today and walked around the familiar bookstore. How long has it been since I first set foot on the ship? Aye, I wouldn't know. I was there 30 years ago when I was still unformed in my mother's side. I wanted to let Belmont into these tiny corners of my life. Afterall it was Burma in 1998 that changed my life.

I appreciate the honesty we have between us. It reveals the desperate need we have for the divine. And then,

I want a trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've seen enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes no sense of space
And time...will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear your voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

Miracle Drug ~ U2

I sometimes cannot deal with the emotional trauma I decidedly drag myself through. Dealing with the past and the future draws out the strength of the present. I hence forth waste my time recouperating instead of say, doing my readings. Then I panic and kick myself for having no discipline and shit. Shit shit. Life goes on.

On the bus today, I found myself wondering about the number of hearts I have broken. How many boys have cried over me? Too many. Alright, this has got to stop. And it stops here.

And I must let all else go.

I won't worry about the unnessary to retract from my happiness.
Just be the best that I can be, and love intensely.

Then, life will follow.

Chase me?

Can't hold on forever baby.

Today was insane.

I know that everything is not ok
But you're like honey on my tongue

I'm just tired.
I enjoyed talking to Dawn today.

I really have nothing intelligent to say. Maybe this.

Words, words, words, have you heard
A bird in hand is much better than,
Any number free to wander
Fly away...stay
You pay for what you get
You pay for what you get

Everybody asks me how she's doing
Since she went away
I said I couldn't tell you
I'm okay, I'm okay
Surprise, surprise you pay for what you get
You pay for what you get

[Pay for what you get ~ DMB]

Yes. Nothing in the relational realm happens by chance. Here is where concious decision-making has the most impact. Two together, to create and call into being. I might have left, but put simply, you didn't stay. And I'm glad you didn't.

So the difference between the promises made today and those uttered two years ago, is that these today were made with a sincere, and not desperate, heart. And that these today were made by a soul with the strengh, will and conviction to carry them, and me, through.

I stood staring quizzically at the two cups of teh and the blueberry muffin trying to cheograph the feat of carry three items within the reaches of my two small hands.

“啊，那边有 tray 你可以拿来用。” The drink store uncle suggests.

It then dawns upon me that I have the solution to end all problem: “不用！我有男朋友！”

So I turn around and hollar across two or three tables, "Boyfriend!!". And as sure as the sun rises, he turns his head in my direction, stands and walks over with the muscle needed to carry the two tiny cups of tea back to the table.

'... no wonder the uncle looked so amused. But I think I can handle that.'

Haha! You're in love!
~ Dustin's email to me.

Yes sweetheart, I am in love.

With Belmont, my mother (who held me while I took my jab), my father, my brother, you Dustin, and your sweet girl Belle, with my cousin Isabelle, with Gladys who loves me dearly too, with Angie with whom I need to date, with Erwin, with Jacky, Nick and his posse, Major Tom, Andy, Ling, Jiayin, Andrea, Darius who completes Belmont and I, Curtis, Sue, Shubs, Sarah, Mel, Glen, Thiyachai CB hubby, Joshie and Lyndis, Greg and his family, Shawn Tan, Shaun Quah and Glen, Ian Tann and his lady Theng, DJ, Aruna, Seth oh darling Seth! Cherry Werry and Deeq, Robbay Boy and his sweet christmasy family, Summerland! Luke kor kor- waltz back into my life, Neel from sweet Manitoba, hell Manitobans are great. Jemi, Jud, and Jules, Alvin and Fern, Amy hale-smith - sweet aims, Simon in vietnam, Tristan Siu and how he brings music out of me, Sean Kong, Daniel Foo and Daniel Tay, Ziig - best friend of the exboyfriend who engages me with wicked music and love stories about God. Doc John, Tess and Ain, Daryl Tng so far away, Jian Wei with whom I share sacred mutual trust, Andre, Hannah Greenspan and Tony and Jen, UBC who made me and my dreams possible, Jeff who stretched beyond the depths of language to hold my hand, Frank and Jane who drive me home on cold thrusday nights, the Ache and Malaysian men who found me eavesdropping on them in MACs, The CRC choir with Nat, Vince and Roger fleeting and intriguing, J and magic and some point, Borey from Cambodia, Dawn fung and Deanna - from different ends of the globe with the same vision, trees, grass, water, light, dark... Belmont.

I am in love.
Niice.

It's ok to lie.
~ My father on biblical principles.

It basically boils down to the question of honoring God. Which do you worship, the precepts or the person? Think Rahab, think Samson, think King David... I will not bother to elucidate. If you don't agree, then don't. Don't let this stumble you.

And then today, I walked past the FUNKY CHRISTIAN T-SHIRT store in Junction 8. I stopped and stared at the obscene ads for their FUNKY CHRISTIAN T-SHIRT discount cards and FUNKY CHRISTIAN T-SHIRT original-product garuntee. Can I help you? Of course it would come from the sweet young thing behind the counter, itself clad in a FUNKY CHRISTIAN T-SHIRT. I then proceeded to give her a piece of my mind.

I came back later with the boyfriend, and pointed out the 'SOCIAL HAZARD - I WILL NOT CONFORM' black hoodie that was proudly displayed, a true marker of funkiness. Of course, it conformed entirely with the social lingua franca of American Coolness. And with it, the hope to encase an eager drug and alcohol-free celibate christian body who's conciousness is entirely immersed in the world's notions of consumerism, capitalism and social cannibalism.

My mother tells me that I shouldn't have gone into a relationship with Belmont as it is very hard to make a decision while being overseas. I think the decision has already been made.

'I never thought I'd be able trust anyone as much as I trusted Dennis. But with this guy, I trust him more.'
'Can he trust you?'

Oh please have faith in me.

And then there are the people who stand in marked contrast to me. Almost in hostility, and for no reason other then a difference in opinion. I have made it a mandate to live in peace with all Man and to love as deeply (and faithfully) as possible. I will try not to tire of being good. But what makes difference a reason for defence and hostility anyway? Only because we think we're the core of the universe. Seriously.

I haven't been updating only because I do not wish to sicken the general public of the details of how head-over-heals I am in love with the Boyfriend. I would like to exercise some consideration for the public. This is, afterall, on public domain.

I am so windswept and fickle. I belong both here and there, in Singapore and Vancouver. I want to love each correctly. I do not want to betray, nor fawn needlessly over either. Dear Lord, give me wisdom and truth in being.

你，一定会回来新加坡。你一说‘落叶归根’这成语，我就知道你肯定回来的。
~ Krono's dad.

When the only thing he asks of you is to be honest, then you know you have found something very special.

And don't ever, ever, let anything tell you that you are unworthy or not beautiful. If you do not bleed for these lies, someone else will.

I want to love another girl like how Tori loves Beenie.
Or vice versa.

If you want inside her, well, boy you better make her raspberry swirl.
Things are getting dear desperate when all the boys can't be men.
Everybody knows I'm her friend, everybody knows I'm her man.

"In some of my relationships with a few of my women friends, I play a certain role. Heh, this is really getting in...I know, I hope my father's not watching this. He just doesn't know what to do. The straight-jacket's coming. But you know I always told my dad - you know, gays, lesbians, he just has to get used to it. One of the neices and nephews is gonna be one, he's just gotta get ready. So what I said was ah to Beenie, who's the love of my life. My husband understands this, that we're married. We're absolutely married. And I adore her with all my heart. And she's dated some idiots. And I hope you're watching. I want you to know what I think of you and in another life, I'll absolutely kick your ass. And I'm going to kick it right now actually, because this is for her and I'm in love with her." ~ T. Amos in Storytellers

"The animus in me is raspberry swirl, I'm in love with my women friends, but I just don't eat pussy. But I'm in love with them. If I had a different sensibility, then you know I think I could, you know, really fulfill someone down there, where a lot of men in their lives don't. And eating pussy is a metaphor, too - it's about crawling in there, being with their juices, really being with them."

Oh, she has something that I jealously want.

Go ahead. Own me.

'I don't think I deserve a guy like you.'
'What? I feel undeserving of a girl like you.'

'... I guess that means we deserve each other lah. We can maroon ourselves on a desert island and die.'

Say goodbye, say hello
To a lover or friend
Sometimes we could never understand
Why some things begin with just love
We can never have it all
No

Dear Tristan, I have always been a little teasing of your taste in music. And 'Rainbow' by Southborder has not been spared the brunt of it. But I would admit, that this song is beautiful and isn't far from the sentiments of my heart.

I have found a friend in you, been confounded and exasperated by your conundrums and choices. I will always adore you for the apparent contradiction that you are. I think we will always be friends in some capacity or other. And while I wish for more of you in my life, I am happy where I am.

And this extrapolates into Dustin, Curto and the rest of the navs. There will be a time to leave. University never keeps you for long, and with the passing of time will come the leaving of friends. I fear April when we will walk our seperate ways. Dustin, you have been a deep blessing to me. I look up to you immensely and have been taught much. I sincerely believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason. Our friendship has been carefully crafted before hand. You will always have a friend in me.

Dennis: Goodbye. I had a lot more to say, but it is all pointless and passe now. Looking back to the post-it note break up, I can only say that God takes people away from our lives for a reason. I would speculate a lot more, but there is no point. I only wish you the best. Have wisdom, have courage, and above all, peace, joy and Love.

Hello Belmont, this life is wonderful. I won't need to say anything to express how I feel or what I believe. I'd walk you through it, day by day. It has begun.

Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me

Rainbow ~ Southborder

Whenever Gladys sends me an email, I freak out. I so worry that something has happened to her, that she might be lying across the continent, sobbing broken-hearted tears. And nothing quite picks up my day when I open her email to find:

love you hannah!

-glad

Oh how the Lord is good!

When him exclaiming to your face:
"What kind of SWINE are you?!"
Bring about deeper surges
of affection,
You know you have
found
something very
special.

I know it's Monday and this post really should be for Sunday. But I think things have been internalising. I found grace.

I have had no faith in myself of late. I have recently entered a new relationship, it's of today five days young. In two months, I will fly away. And then God knows what will happen. I've been wrecked with fear. I do not trust myself in anyway shape or form to stay true to a guy who is actually, fundatmentally very different from myself. What will keep us together?

And amid Pastor Wan's message, the message of grace came through. That He is strong in my weakness. I cannot promise that Belmont and I will pull through, but I can promise to try and to submit our relationship into the hands of God.

Speak - say the words that no one else will ever say
Love - love like the world we know is over in a day

You're beautiful and I am weakened by the force of your eyes
So shine bright to separate the truth from the lies
I'm gonna show you love

So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
No, I won't regret to let love do what love will let
We can drown in mixed emotions or walk across an angry sea
This is the cost of being free

I'm gonna show you love in every language
I'm gonna speak with words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

And then I found it in myself to speak to Dennis cordially, without a desire to rip his guts out. Reinforced by Dominic's wide eyes and table-pounding fists, I remember how we severed ties, and how divinely ordained it was through post-it notes. (If you want to know the whole story, ask me! Or him!)

Touched once again by the wisdom expressed on his blog, I only want to say this to him:

As God is the answer, take courage in living actively for Goodness and truth.

I think I will always be tender toward him.
For the sake of the soon-to-be very distant past.

Never thought we'd be here

I think I can safely say that he is the best relationship decision I've made so far.

I want to be sure.
Sure of myself.
Like he is.

I look secure, but I am rife with a fear of myself.

I am so tired as of right now. I do not think straight when I am tired. For the first time in days, I feel the heavy, but satisfying weight of responsibility.

To be honest, I am a little bit fearful, a little afraid.

Out damn'd spot!

No, I would never need to doubt his heart.

And I walk tall with my head high becuase I know that I am loved and can depend on the people around me.

HOME: page 4

When you need to apologise for you apology, I think it's time to start pulling out the dusty resume.

You have revealed the attitude and ideology that is held by you, your family, your boss and your social class. Why do we put up with you?

My Prophet

There is only one person I know out there who can speak my heart on God, the World and Love: Bono.

I want a trip inside your head, spend the day there. To hear the things you haven't said and see what you might see. I want to hear you when you call. Do you feel anything at all? I want to see your thoughts take shape, and walk right out.

Freedom has a scent like the top of a new born baby's head.

The songs are in your eyes I see them when you smile. I've seen enough I'm not giving up on a miracle drug.

Of science and the human heart, there is no limit. There is no failure here sweetheart, just when you quit. I am you and you are mine. Love makes no sense of space and time...will disappear, love and logic keep us clear. Reason is on our side, love.

The songs are in your eyes, I see them when you smile. I've had enough of romantic love I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up, for a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise, below the din, I hear your voice. It's whispering in science and in medicine: "I was a stranger, You took me in"

Miracle drug ~ U2

"Look, if you don't want to go out with me, I'd totally understand."
"No, I'd totally want to go out with you."
"Are you asking me out?"
"... Well, I have two free tickets for a movie on Monday..."

Nice. I think we started off well. With laughter.

But as I have always prayed dear Lord, bless it or break it.
Only with your heart, and to the ends of the earth.

For those who didn't catch on to what was happening in my previous post (esp those of your outside Singapore), here's the orginal comments posted by the daughter of a Minister of Parliment (at least he's still there). For those of you who are not in Singapore, remember, we love foreign talent, please come.

From Ms Wee’s blog:

http://www.suchvividnothing.blogspot.com/

Thursday, October 19, 2006

mom’s friend sent her some blog post by some bleeding stupid 40-year old singaporean called derek wee (WHY do all the idiots have my surname why?!) whining about how singapore is such an insecure place, how old ppl (ie, 40 and above) fear for their jobs, how the pool of foreign “talent” (dismissively chucked between inverted commas) is really a tsunami that will consume us all (no actually he didn’t say that, he probably said Fouren Talern Bery Bad.), how the reason why no one wants kids is that they’re a liability in this world of fragile ricebowls, how the government really needs to save us from inevitable doom but they aren’t because they are stick-shoved-up-ass elites who have no idea how the world works, yadayadayadayada.

i am inclined - too much, perhaps - to dismiss such people as crackpots. stupid crackpots. the sadder class. too often singaporeans - both the neighborhood poor and the red-taloned socialites - kid themselves into believing that our society, like most others, is compartmentalized by breeding. ridiculous. we are a tyranny of the capable and the clever, and the only other class is the complement.

sad derek attracted more than 50 comments praising him for his poignant views, joining him in a chorus of complaints that climax at the accusation of lack of press freedom because his all-too-true views had been rejected by the straits times forum. while i tend to gripe about how we only have one functioning newspaper too, i think the main reason for its lack of publication was that his incensed diatribe was written in pathetic little scraps that passed off as sentences, with poor spelling and no grammar.

derek, derek, derek darling, how can you expect to have an iron ricebowl or a solid future if you cannot spell?

if you’re not good enough, life will kick you in the balls. that’s just how things go. there’s no point in lambasting the government for making our society one that is, i quote, “far too survival of fittest”. it’s the same everywhere. yes discrimination exists, and it is sad, but most of the time if people would prefer hiring other people over you, it’s because they’re better. it’s so sad when people like old derek lament the kind of world that singapore will be if we make it so uncertain. go be friggin communist, if uncertainty of success offends you so much - you will certainly be poor and miserable. unless you are an arm-twisting commie bully, which, given your whiny middle-class undereducated penchant, i doubt.

then again, it’s easy for me to say. my future isn’t certain but i guess right now it’s a lot brighter than most people’s. derek will read this and brand me as an 18-year old elite, one of the sinners who will inherit the country and run his stock to the gutter. go ahead. the world is about winners and losers. it’s only sad when people who could be winners are marginalised and oppressed. is dear derek starving? has dear derek been denied an education? has dear derek been forced into child prostitution? has dear derek had his clan massacred by the government?

i should think not. dear derek is one of many wretched, undermotivated, overassuming leeches in our country, and in this world. one of those who would prefer to be unemployed and wax lyrical about how his myriad talents are being abandoned for the foreigner’s, instead of earning a decent, stable living as a sales assistant. it’s not even about being a road sweeper. these shitbags don’t want anything without “manager” and a name card.

please, get out of my elite uncaring face.

posted at 12:08 PM

***************************************************
The Original Post by Derek Wee.

By Derek Wee
Oct 12, 2006

When I read the Straits Times article (dated 24 Sep) on PM Lee calling the young to be committed and make a difference to Singapore, I have so much thought about the issue.

I am 35 years old, graduated from University and gainfully employed in a multinational company. But I cannot help but feel insecure over the future of Singapore. Lets face it, it’s not uncommon to hear, “when you are above 40, you are over the hill”.

The government has been stressing on re-training, skills upgrading and re-adapt. The fact is, no matter how well qualified or adaptable one is, once you hit the magical 40, employers will say, “you are simply too old”.

We have been focusing our resources and problem solving on low unskilled labour. But in reality, our managerial positions and skilled labour force are actually fast losing its competitiveness.

I travel around the region frequently for the past 10 years. It didn’t take me long to realise how far our neighbours have come over the past decade.

They have quality skilled workers, and are less expensive. When I work with them, their analytical skills are equally good, if not better than us.

It’s not new anymore. Taxi drivers are fast becoming “too early to retire, too old to work” segment of the society. I like to talk to taxi drivers whenever I am heading for the airport.

There was this driver. Eloquent and well read. He was an export manager for 12 years with an MNC. Retrenched at 40 years old. He had been searching for a job since his retrenchment.

Although he was willing to lower his pay expectations, employers were not willing to lower their prejudice. He was deemed too old. I wouldn’t be surprised if we have another No. 1; having the most highly educated taxi drivers in the world.

On PM Lee calling the young to be committed and make a difference. Look around us. How dedicated can we be to Singapore when we can visualise what’s in store for us after we turned 40? Then again, how committed are employers to us? But we can’t blame them. They have bottom lines & shareholders’ gain to answer to.

Onus is really on the government to revamp the society. A society that is not a pressure cooker. A society that does not mirror so perfectly, what survival of the fittest is.

But a society, where it’s people can be committed, do their best and not having to fear whether they will still wake up employed tomorrow. Sadly, Singapore does not offer such luxuries and security anymore.

On the issue of babies. The government encourages us to pro-create. The next generation is essential in sustaining our competitive edge. Then again, the current market condition is such that our future has become uncertain. There is no more joy in having babies anymore; they have become more of a liability. It’s really a chicken and egg issue.

Many of my peers, bright and well educated have packed up and left. It’s what MM Goh called “quitters”. It’s sad but true, Singapore no longer is a place where one can hope to work hard their lives and retire graciously. It’s really the push factor.

A future is something we sweat it out, build and call our own. Unfortunately, people like me, mid 30’s going on 40’s, staying put by choice or otherwise, we can’t help but feel what lies ahead is really a gamble.

To PM Lee and the Ministers, we are on a different platform. Until you truly understand our insecurity, the future of Singapore to me remains a question mark.

**************************************************

*

Posts courtesy of Lamerooze

Some people cannot take the brutal truth
~Ang Mo Kio GRC MP Wee Siew Kim, in response to his daughter's controversial blogpost.

I'm quite the postmodernist, but it would be pointless aruging about what the 'truth' is. I am not a Singaporean, and hence ought not to be bothered about the misinformed and parochial rantings of a high-school student. Besides, given the colour of my passport, chances are I'll be what the folks here call 'foreign talent' (although I seriously doubt that day will ever come). But Singapore is nonetheless my home, and I choose to have an emotional stake in this nation.

Reading RJ student Wee Shu Min's thoughts on Derek's Wee lament about the state of Singapore's society, I have two things to say:

1) She is absolutely right.
2) She is absolutely distressing

She represents the elite that are uncompassionate, materialistic and uncultured. If being a gracious society means keeping left on the escalators (while elites get chauffered around), then I'd say that we are narrow-minded. In fact that is my opinion of Wee Shu Min.

Reading her post, I could not but feel anger toward her, has she seen so little of the world, is she so ill-informed that she has no empathy? What has this society become, that our young reduce others into their perceived 'classes' while maintaining an us-and-them attitude to the world?

And this is not confined within Singapore. We look to our neighbours in ASEAN as nothing more then huge shopping centers with perpatual sales. We slide over borders, look at cute trinkets and funky clothing, sleep in 5 star hotels and turn our noses up at the desperate tuk-tuk mongers and dirty children on the streets.

I just cannot but feel like Singapore has groomed us to be cogs and wheels in a big machine. We don't matter, and what's the point of anything, if people don't matter? And worst, it has turned the people against themselves. We no longer care for each other as Ms Wee's callous comments have clearly shown. And let's not excuse her for being a foolish 18 year old. If this is how society inculcates our young, then this is how we are. Some will think that the world owes them a living, others grapple with issues of self-esteem and self-worth.

As for Mr Wee, if children are a chip off the old block...well... I wonder if he's rethinking his parenting style. But he has his reasons i'm sure. Yes don't gag her, let her be lynched by the 'HDB poor' and the 'red-taloned socialites'. These are her society too. She will learn the hard way, with people flaming her on blogs and putting her photo up. These are their personal blogs, set up so that people might 'invade their privacy' and read their rants amongst their circle of friends. They haev every right to make their opinions about Ms Wee heard, as much as Ms Wee took the liberty to air hers.

No, they have every right to feel the way that they do, as I have every right to feel the way I do. During my interview with NUS law, one of the interviewers said:

Young lady, you are the cream of Singapore's crop. You are the top 20% and should stop associating yourself with the other 80%

I left in anger, how could an esteemed, intellectual woman in her 60s hold such myopic opinions. Then I realise, she isn't alone. And that I am blessed with the social mobility to pack up and leave.

I think I will go to Cambodia in the future. At least there, I'd be free from these soulless brats, and elk out a living beyond material survival. But I would want to come back here, to the nation that bred me. Let no one say that I am a quitter. I love here.

-----------------------------------------------------

The Manic Street Preachers are wise:

A Slave starts by demanding justice, and ends by wanting to wear a crown.

Be careful. Hubris knocks. We are only 40 years old as a nation, are we already jaded? Yes, the brutal truth is hard to swallow. Perhaps we are a self-centered, bigoted and blind society. And all we have to show for ourselves is how we smile fervently at the foreigners who use our safe little island to reinforce the unfair state of the international system.

"Did you always know?"
"Know? Oh no, I never knew. But I always believed"

~ Dialogue between Oracle and the Architect in the Matrix III

Let us be aware of where we stand in this world, that while knowledge implies authority and power, and ultimately trust in the self and its aquired knowledge, belief entails humble faith and depends on the existance of external factors and beings.

And in my world (as I am starting to note that my world isn't necessarily congruent with the world at large), without the power of institutional mass to back you up on conventional religious opinion, you'd have no choice but to live according to conviction Then you'll start to question what's worth being convicted by (and in my opinion, there are a lot other things more pertinent in the world today then issues of creationism, homosexuality and swearing. Things like, apathy, isolation and hunger to name a few).

No, you don't bloody know that God created the world in 6 days, you can only resign yourself to believing it. And while you do, remember that it is but the mere product of your own historicity and social context, and that truth is measured and experienced in infinitely different ways. As God is infinite. So let's not be arrogant, and live with conviction and self-awareness in what we believe. And let's try not to piss of the rest of the world while we're at it.

In other news, I suddenly want to be a hippie.
Bring on the reusable sanitary products.

Cool:

1) Traversing thoughout town with Angie as she finds cool finds. Pastry and Tea at some attas bakery (not breadtalk), dinner and ice-cream with Belmont. Laughing with her all the way.

2) Such Great Heights done by Iron and Wine.

Uncool:

1) Delusional dream-chasing.

2) The annoying survey guy who not only insisted on me doing a survey 2 days ago at Jurong East station (trailing me halfway through the MRT station) despite me incessantly pushing him away, who had the nerve to chirp his pathetic friendly banter as I furiously filled in the stupid form, who messages me at 11.30, asking me how my weekend was. Not only was that the most harrassing survey ever, it came along with the most harassing surveyer.

I want to harass him back and make him nervous and uncomfortable.

I used to see this as something to describe Adrian, and then I realise that it's more suited for me.

No, I'm not completely insane, but I'll grant you, maybe just a little bit crazy

You've got your home of the brave and I've got my land of the free. You conform to what society says and I conform to me. Looking for light in the corners getting caught in the spider web, you look at me as if I'm giving a performance when I'm just feeding my head. And you know that I'm doing all right and I won't explain myself to you just to avoid a fight, how I'm living ain't correct but for me it's just right.

I've got a pair of ruby slippers that I don't wear much anymore. And if I had the nerve I'd click my heels and return to the wonderland I knew before. I'm waiting to on a slow boat to China, want to sail away to the sun. I've been searching for myself and I know I'm gonna find her if I break away from everyone. So the way that I act may not fit in, just because I've got a mind of my own doesn't mean it's a sin. I don't ask you to give up; don't expect me to give in.

Some like to live for the moment taking life into their own hands every day. And if they don't get killed they get so high off the thrill, they could float to heaven anyway. And others want to save for tomorrow thinking money is security. Well I understand the need but I don't get the greed, and they all seem pretty crazy to me. You can tell by the expression I wear; though I seem a little strange to you, I don't really care. I got the freedom to be and there are others like me everywhere...

I'm not completely insane, I'm maybe just a little bit crazy. There's no one to blame, got no shame about game, don't want nobody to save me.

Crazy ~ Alana Davis

In the midst of a short depressive bout, the sky clears. I find myself seated comfortably in a Professor's office sharing thoughts about postmodernity, international relations, ethno-centricism, South east asia, the colour of our skins and personal history. He tells me that my thesis proposal is NOT impossible, but like Dr Egerton, did not want to encourage me too much. And like Dr Egerton, I think he gave me enough hope and esteem to keep moving forward.

I am praying for wisdom in choosing my life paths. Where I should be and what I should be doing, and whom I shall love.

In MSN today:

Hannah:
omg what's the orginal song?

Seth:
riding dirty

Hannah
hahaha hist
i mean
shit
shit!

Seth
woah there
language

Hannah:
my swear came out as an academic field.

I ain't white, but I sure am nerdy.

Thank you threes,

Erwin: for being a patient and engaging listener, for agreeing to take an active part in my life and being unafriad to be honest. For allowing me to be your comfortable friend, and extending you realm of existance to include me. Our uncomplicated familiar friendship is a great comfort.

Mel: The distant skyper who affirms bits and pieces of myself that I do not see. That I am endearing, that I am brave, that I am naive. Who isn't afriad to admit his callousness toward me, and to point out my anger toward him. I can safely say that we still hang out as much even though I'm here and you're there.

Andrea: For making me feel less lonely out there in my Christian journey. For your obedience to God when he dropped me on your lap. I had found a paradigmical soulmate even before my mind was birthed. I look to you for strength in my conciousness when I am battling with the institutions in my mind.

Just remember till you're home again, you belong to me.

I didn't then, but I would now.

And since this is the way the cracker crumbles, I guess I'll have to re-route my dreams.

Dating Seth was the best relationship decision I've ever made. Even if everything else was screwed up, this one wasn't.

I cannot explain the depths of it all. It is beyond words.

I haven't felt this insecure in a long time. Maybe I just never placed my finger on it, given that I never worry about being fasionable or popular (or I don't in the conventional way). I feel academically insecure almost, which is also bullshit, and then there's the life-direction part...

I think just need more sleep, and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.

Too slow

Some hurts are amputations, and never grow back. Even if the limbs were lies, true before and morphed into malignancey with the passage of time and choice, it is necessary pain.

And if it was just how you wanted
You'd be glued to his bones and his brainstem
And changing your image and attitudes
Won't bring him back into your bedroom

Amputating as he's waiting
He's unresponsive 'cause you're irresponsible

Little swinger your bottle is thinking too much
'cause you're aiming to please way off target
And I'll tell you what you must already know
Of amputating that too slow

Ok, I'm a nut.

Fool

And while you press forward toward the exit, hurried in insecurity and the fear of betrayal, I maliciously pray for what I already sense is your stench. That you really run away from the painful recognition that your sunrise is on your back, and the terror that chases at your heals will envolope you with such darkness that the weak fairy lights you called stars will choke you with black.

Then maybe my roses will bloom again.

It gets harder and harder as the climb ascends. Now the question is how much do I want this, and how much do I want it my way? I think I'm at an exciting time in my life where I can really build this for myself, and control my direction and journey.

I just don't want to fight for the sake of fighting. I need to choose my battles and ensure they are in line with where God is working.

Horkay.

When you sang with me, 'I find I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind', you got that darn right Tristan. Especially with how you're screwing all this up. Checkered shirts and checkered history, whatever. I'm making an effort to remain your friend.

Dennis has lost you, now me?

The Lord of the Rings speaks more of Christians then it does of Christ and Christianity. It's a communal story of faith taken by people who know no absolute truth but the love they experience. It's a tale of a journey, not with doctrinal facts but with the little that you know and the many that you love. And ultimately it's a brutal revelation of the true cost of goodness, and of love that bleeds.

I cannot carry it for you, but I can carry you
~ Sam to Frodo, at the foot of the mountain. Where he showed that you needn't answer a person's questions, or solve his problems to do what you should be doing as a friend.

And then there's the process of irreversible pain, as Shirley Lim states "some hurts are amputations", they never heal. In my journey to Canada and away from Dennis, and back here again only to find myself further from him, I realise as Frodo does that there is no returning. There are some wounds that time cannot heal. I know I've said this a thousand times and I will keep saying it, it's over.

Now here I am coming to the recognition of my need to geographical permanence to establish myself.

My dear Sam, you cannot keep being torn in two. You must become whole and one.

Alright. I will try. And soon, perhaps, I can be one, in two places.

Today I found a new peace, a new heaven.

Andy, Jiayin and myself (sans Lingu, darn it) spent over three hours at Carl's Jr in PS and talked the night away over 5 cups of iced tea and 2 toilet breaks. There was such beauty between us, very diverse people who, save for the fact that we were grouped together by Lofty and Poon, would otherwise not be hanging out. It was peaceful and healthy, no cannibalistic emotions or silencing barriers. Just the memory of a close knit theatrical family and the present safe distance, neither too close nor too far. Just. Perfect.

And we'll keep meeting up this way, friends foreign to the usual routine, too far to threaten, too close for fear. And we'd share, and challenge and laugh and love. Like a Church.

It takes love to move one to love. And love is decisive, it is conviction. And after tonight, I think I can love my Church again. Albeit in this way:

I am the harm which you inflict
I am your brilliance and frustration
I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit
I'm your immaturity and your indignance

I am your misfits and your praised
I am your doubt and your conviction
I am your charity and your rape
I am your grasping and expectation

I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war
I see you ignoring your children
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your joy and your regret
I am your fury and your elation
I am your yearning and your sweat
I am your faithless and your religion

I see you altering history
I see you abusing the land
I see you and your selective amnesia
And I love you still
And I love you still

I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight
I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art, I am your vice

I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights
I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light

I see you holding your grudges
I see you gunning them down
I see you silencing your sisters
And I love you still
And I love you still

I see you lie to your country
I see you forcing them out
I see you blaming each other
And I love you still
And I love you still
[Still ~ Alanis]

This is my church in all it's entirety. The church I am called to love, and will struggle with, to love and to be loved.

School, Angeline, Kelvin Chia Partnership, and a few bee-lines in and out of colourful clothing stores, dripping with cold contempt for the less-then-fabulous. I was flying high, walking on air, being THE smile on the face of the earth. My future is too bright, too possible, too blessed and too beautiful for me to grasp the weight of the now. And sure enough, 6 hours later, I am here depressed.

No, but that doesn't negate the amazingness of what is to come and what is now. Being surrounded by beautiful beatuiful people, with the promise of being surrounded by more.

Tristan Siu, whatever it is, you're my friend.

You will always be a part of me,
I'm part of you indefinately.

"What does this song remind you of?" Sarah asks one lazy day in our living room in Walter Gage. "Tristan Siu, when we were 12. I had a huge crush on him and he had one on me."

silence.

"TRISTAN???"
yes let the world curl up into that little ball that it really is.

This is family. Sitting around complete strangers who all wear the same wrinkles, as if bearing their mother's stories in the folds of their skin. The same story flickers across each face as each recalls a story, his story, her story, their story.

I walked into my Lau Dua Kong's (my grandmother's oldest brother) house and gawked at the number of relatives that have successfully evaded my knowledge. I mean, since when did my Grandmother's 9 siblings have children and grandchildren of their own?

I gingerly stepped in, and word got round that I was doing a school project on my family history, and before I knew it everyone was sitting around the tea-stained table shouting out their stories for my western Macbook to pick up. All in teochew. I would've fallen asleep during the three hour session had it not been so emotionally charged with laughter.

Laughter that fell in tears.

And at some point, when they laughed the hardest, my great-grandfather's ghost rose from behind my left shoulder. He thanked me for rousing the memory of him in his children again, that he might once again live in their togetherness.

----------------------------

For the Chinese, eating is both material and cultural. We feed our hungry ghosts before we may feed ourselves. Anestors are ravenous, and can die of neglect. Our fathers' children are also ourselves. The self is paltry, phatasmagoric; it leaks and slips away. It is the family, parents, siblings, cousins, that signify the meaning of the self, and beyond the family, the extended community.

This is the meaning of blood - to give, because you cannot eat unless the family is also eating... Oh Asia, that nets its chidlren in ties of blood so binding that they cut the spirit.

Exerpts from 'Among the White Moon Faces' by Shirley Lim

Music will always be my first love, for what it does to my soul and my spirit. I will never be good enough to stake a claim in her kingdom, but I will always want to have her in my life.

On another note, I miss Isabelle, she's my dear cousin with a great depth in her heart. She's too funny, too cute and too far away.

I am very grateful to the people around me. I say that my life is perfect and it is only because of you.

I have come to realise that I am a difficult person.
I do not envy the people who are entangled with me.

[[Edit : 1.56 am]]

I call you palindrome, but I really should call you paradox...
~ Mel, the muse.

Such is my life. And the question isn't 'who is able to love me?' but rather, 'can they love me successfully, throughout the length and breadth of my extremities?'

you love everyone, but love no one at the same time.

There's nothing quite as delightful as removing make-up. Slopping it on is not nearly half as desirable as slathering it off with essential oil and soap, revealing the protesting naked skin. The mask falls off yellow-black, ugly testament to the filth we carry ourselves through. And then eye-lids, once smokey gold, look calm again. Lips, before a suffering shade of burgundy, now soft pink and slightly chapped.

There's nothing quite as delightful as being natural. Be translucent in the light and dance like smoke, there's really nothing they can do to your world if you choose to be stable and secure in your own unique substance.

It's 1.24 in the morning and my twilight life is at it's peak. Only this time I am threatened to be wet with tears that refuse to come and fulfill my inner emotion. "He who laughs" has been left tear-stained, lost in a dettol-soaked environment.

And I sit here fretting over the inconsequential. I need to get over myself.

But for now I will bleed for him, for the apparent cruelty of God. But I am not here in the picture, this isn't about me and it is not my story. I can only trust that God is impeccably beautiful, strong and good.

And I will rest in this.

But yes,
OH GOD, HEAR OUR CRY!

In the car

Conviction or Convenience: Which do you live by?

At the end of my life, and though every moment of it, I want to be able to say that I lived through conviction, and not because something was easy. Easy living is easy dying.

I have found 2 redundant things in church, Politeness (as opposed to love) and defensiveness (as opposed to balance and openness). The first: why bother? The second: that's not the point.

And finally, I need I need I need to start being in the fellowship of God again. Else my ranting will be nothing but a resounding gong.

I have caved in.

So my 5 day diet of just fruits and vegetables isn't exactly a 5 day diet of just fruits and vegetables. I ended off tonight with vegetables in oyster sauce (yes, oyster sauce matters) and Aglio (no meat but it's still processed wheat).

Many of my friends and family are pleading with me to not be so harsh on myself. Bleh.

I do wish I was stronger.
Now I just want someone to scrape the insides of my stomache to get rid of the stowaways.

I realise that when I was travelling around SEA with Thiyachai, I had no problems sleeping. Every night was sweet and sound and I wouldn't wake unless Thi wanted to forcefeed me medicine, or I was ill or something.

But other then that, and despite the strange and sometimes less then comforatble setting, I'd sleep peacefully.

Then Thi left, and that night was the longest ever. I was lost. I belonged to no one.

And tonight I'm up at 2.30, exhuasted but afraid to turn in becuase i know that I will wrestle restlessly in bed. I think it has something to do with the fact that I have nowhere, and no one to belong to.

Daddy suggests that my time in Canada is up, and that I should come back to NUS to do law. Finally, maybe some semblence of a stable community.

But for now, my soul and skin will yearn to connect. and I will go to bed, a little more weary then normal.

Maybe...

She's just pieces of me you've never seen.

Maybe, it's time to wave goodbye.

DAMMIT DQ!! Alright alright...

Name 20 people you can think of at the top of your head, without reading the questions below. Tag 5 more people to do this quiz.

1. Angie
2. DQ
3. Ling
4. Cherry
5. Belmont.
6. Darius
7. Dennis
8. Erwin
9. Seth
10. Shiyu
11. Tristan
12. Gladys
13. Shubs
14. Major Tombo
15. Mel
16. Sarah
17. Glen
18. Robby
19. Curto



How did you meet no.14?
This is a great story. So I'm this mousy first year kid who stumbles into class half an hour early since the class before ends then. And I'm sitting around the geography lab with this intimidating vocal guy. We talk. And one day I squeak that I'm from Singapore.

HEY! I'm going to singapore on exchange!
COOL! we should meet up.

So we did. and although he thought I was a crazy christian and didn't talk to me till we bumped into each other again in my third year, our friendship is a great story.

hear that tom?? A great story!!

What would you do if you never met no.1?

Angie?? Oh lord, that's a good question. I wouldn't have know grace like I know today. And not known what support means. I would be a lot less today I think.

Did you ever like no.19?

Curtis? Always. Especially for the time when he told me to live my story well. He's my inspiration for a lot.

Would no.6 and no.17 make a good couple?

Uh....

Describe no.3.

She's my idea of cool. Absolutely intimidated me in JC with the fact that she won't let people push her around, but was really patient with me and my constant need to eat and sleep during group work. And she has this wicked way of describing things. Quirky.

Do you think no.8 is attractive?

We had a conversation like, 10 minutes ago. About his arms. :)

Tell me something about no.7.

I would have to tell you my life story.
But lets keep it short and in his words:

I like drums.

Do you know any of 12's family?

Yes. Her mother, her brother, her stuffed animals.
And Fong.

What's no.8's favorite?

Favorite what? Dream Theatre?

What would you do if 11 confesses that he/she likes you?

The same thing that I do everytime I meet him.
Roll my eyes.

It's been 10 years. seriously.

What language does no.15 speak?

English, some french, some chinese. and I think he was picking something else up. Thai?

Who is no.9 going out with?

Uh... not right now please.

How old is no.16 now?

a good ol 22.

When was the last time you talked to no.13?

Over email today, Over msn a week back i think and in person last month.
And it used to be everyday. :(

Who's no.2's favorite band/singer?

IF i remember it right. MB20.
And cake.

She got me addicted too.

Would you date no.4?

I think most people would agree that that would be *very* scary

Would you date no.7?

I'd marry him.

Is no.15 single?

Yes.

What's no. 10's last name?

CHING! Two visits to my sports club and an email address.
And I still want to say Teo or Lim.

Would you ever be in a serious relationship with no.18?

Hell 4 years of friendship sounds pretty serious to me.

Which school does no.3 go to?

None! She's a proud Graduate!

What's your favorite thing about no.5?

His humor. Has got to be his humor. The way he takes the most ridiculous, brings it a notch higher and coats it with ice.

Just one thing? The list would go on.

Have you seen no.1 naked?

No. You should ask her that about me.
I still laugh.

Alright who's left to tag? Let's bring this to North America: I tag Mel, Sarah, Shu and Glen.

Go.

Now this is something right up my ally.



Join me in Singapore. Anyone?

I was a bitch today, I snapped at a staff member in North Point Shopping center for doing his job. Meep, I do a very good job at manifesting meanness is different ways. Oh how I am lacking in so much.

And I only want to be good.

I had an absolutely fabulous lunch with beautiful today, skyped with Mel and studied with my brother. It feels like my soul had an absolutely fabulous meal and yet is still hungry for more.

I get it, I've got a hole in my soul.

Born on a monday, died on sunday,
this is the end of Solomon Grundy.

No, not quite. After 5 years apart walking in different directions, it's nice to be able to be with each other again, over dinner and games. Being the same and yet different.

How can you guys not know U2 and the Grateful Dead?

And walking back to the MRT, I wondered if I'd like to be more of the outside world. Perhaps to be abled to dress up more, be prettier, be less of a little sister and more of ... naaaaaaahhh. Even if I'm a little peeved that a table of people laughed at my ponytails and huge headphones today, at least I can confidently say that I am no slave to societal expectations.

Mmmmmm, moments like today make me desire the infinite. That I might never lose a single soul that crosses my path.